What would you say to a woman who has just discovered that her husband is hooked on internet porn (for approx. 2-3 months)? I prayed with the woman, but I didn't have any counsel that I felt comfortable giving her at the time. I don't like to just say something off the cuff or just throw out a cliche regarding serious matters.
First of all, love her and treat her normally. The last thing she wants is for anyone to pity her and treat her differently.
Her husband needs to go to a counselor, if he has not agreed to do so already. He needs to find someone (not her!!) to talk to about his addiction, and to hold him accountable, and help him wade through the issues that have caused him to become addicted to porn. She does not need, nor want to be his "sounding board" or hear all the gory details about how he slipped up.
Tell her that she's beautiful - her self-esteem has probably taken a beating.
Don't treat it like it's "not as big a deal" as if he had actually been cheating. To her, it's the same thing. It is such a lie in our society that porn is a perfectly normal outlet for men, and that women should not feel threatened. Excuse me? How can anyone not feel threatened by some airbrushed image of perfection that it is impossible to attain to?
She needs to remember that the fact that her husband has been looking at porn does not mean that he doesn't love her. The issues almost always go way deeper than that. If he turns her down for sex, it could very well be that he's tired...or not in the mood (I know...doesn't happen that often, but it does happen!)...or not feeling well...Point is, she needs to separate HER self-worth from his addiction. She is still a beautiful, valuable woman in God's eyes - and quite possibly, her husband's eyes. He is not a monster; he is a hurting soul who needs help and healing.
Last of all, she WILL get through this. It may not feel that way now, but if she and her husband are committed to their marriage, and willing to get the help that they need, they will emerge from this even better than before.
[I speak all of this from first-hand experience. And I can testify that my marriage has never been better than it is today, and I know it's going to be even better tomorrow (and yes, this was addressed and taken care of before I even had an inkling of thought about getting credentialed, lol!).]
Lady T - I commend you for seeking real life answers for this woman and not merely cliches. I talked about this just tonight in our service...sometimes we give those kind of answers and they just don't help people. They are experiencing real hurt and need thoughtful answers and not just pat ones that get us off the hook from saying/doing anything else if you know what I mean.
Thanks Puppetmaster. That was wise counsel. Thanks for sharing your insight into this situation. Thanks ladies for listening and praying (I know you were).
Deanna, you are so right about our pat answers. They do not even begin to address the problems that people are facing today. I can quote the "church lines" with the best of them, but for what? I want my ministry to be relevant. You ladies are so helpful. Thanks!
I would suggest checking into filter systems or accountability systems to block www porn in the home or workplace. I would also suggest she read a book called: An Affair of the Mind or False Intimacy. There's dvd series on "Every Man's Battle" and "The Python or Keep Your Underwear On by Jentzen Franklin. All of which will help if her husband is willing to do something about it! American Family Online does have a wealth of resources as does Dr. James Dobson. These resources will help her cope and help him to take responsibility for his choices. There's lots of help out there.
