I'm not talking about best friends...the "bare your soul and diclose all the nitty gritty details of life and ministry" kinds of friends. I thank God at least twice a day that DH and I already have those friends - and they live close enough (and at the same time far enough away, lol!) to get together for semi-regular dinner/coffee/venting sessions.
I'm talking about making friends in my new church and community. Adult friends. People that I can get together with outside of church programs and meetings for the occasional (gasp!) night of fun. Do I take out an ad in the church bulletin? Do I walk up to someone and say, "Hi, I'd like to be your friend!" I feel silly asking such a basic question, but this is new territory to me. I lived in the same small town all my life, and then went to college, where your friends are sort of "handed" to you in the dorm. Then I stayed in the same city that I went to college in, and had that as my "home base" to work from - for 8 more years!! I'm starting from scratch now, and I'm truly at a loss.
I can really understand this post. We're in a new church, too! The pastor is a wonderful person. His wife, a jewel. The people are all friendly and nice. None seem to want to "fellowship" with the new pastor and his wife, or with me and my husband. Now, the pastor has only been here since Dec. and we have only been here since the end of August, but you'd think someone would ask us over for a cup of coffee, right?
The church is planning a Sat. afternoon cookout early in Oct. (before it gets too cold) and my husand is heading it up. The reason he is heading it up is because no one stepped forward. They want it, but... maybe they are shy. He isn't. I hope having an afternoon of working together, playing together (basketball or volleyball) and eating together will make a difference.
Maybe something like that will work for you--once you've experienced a church potluck or two and they get to know you a bit better they'll warm up.
It takes a little while, so just know this is normal. Also, when dealing with this in the church, many people "assume" that the pastors are always busy and if they are not they assume they have already been invited to do something with someone. So yes, sometimes you do have to take the initiative. But taking a little time to find out who you can trust is important. I know you may wonder, "why do I need to 'trust' them if I'm just having fun and not baring my soul?" Because some people cannot handle having fun with their pastor without crossing the line.
What I refer to is this...there are some people in our church body that still look at me as just as much a spiritual leader in their life when we are sitting at Starbucks or out shopping. There are others that once that have done that and are on this "fun" level with me, they start treating me only as their buddy from then on, and they get very "loose" with me for lack of a better phrase. The old saying..."familiarity breeds contempt" is true. Some people are mature enough to handle it. My friend Maria (who was in our church here and got transferred to Lake Tahoe) is such a person that can handle it. After leaving here (because she was no longer in our church) I was able to go to a new level with her and become a "bare your soul" type person with her. While here in the church, she always had the utmost respect whether we were in a church leadership meeting, or whether we were salsa dancing. We could be jumping on the beds at a women's retreat and even if I fell off and hit my head and we were cracking up she would say, "Oh, be careful Pastor Deanna!!!" or something like that. Never once in all the years we were together did she ever even so much as slip and call me anything but pastor. Never once did she get an air of disrespect or familiarity that made it difficult for me to lead and pastor her. Even now that she is in Tahoe and under a new pastor's leadership, when we talk by phone or visit in person she still calls me pastor even though I say, "you don't have to do that, I'm not your pastor anymore..." she corrects me and says that she must out of respect. She's just one of those "special people" every pastor longs for. More important than how she addressed me, though, is just her attitude of respect.
I have found that just as it is hard to find "bare your soul" friends, it is just as hard sometimes to find "fun" friends to just have good casual fun with who will not then begin to treat you as a pal rather than a pastor. So, get to know people a little bit before you do and find out who you can trust to have fun with, without them beginning to 'dis you.
I also find that places to find friends have been my weight watchers class, the gym, exercise class, my hairdresser has become a good friend, etc. That takes time too, to become part of things like that in the community and develop relationships, but it will happen for you.
I have lived out of state for the ministry in four different locations. I have found that you have to be very discerning and prayerful of who you have for friends. Only a couple of times did I have a friend in the church we pastor. They took years to evolve but through much prayer I was able to be very close to these women. Nevertheless, I do think it is better to build those close bonds outside of the local church that you lead in. I think it is very rare to have a " bare your soul" type of friend and still be considered their pastor. So be careful. If she's in the same church, she needs to be airtight! Yet, your loyalty needs to be to your Sr. Pastor.
Also, Jesus had a circle of friends and he was closer to some more than others. There are levels of disclosure that are earned over time through building trust. You can be "friends" but not friends'. You can show an interest by being genuinely interested in them and doing social things of common interest . In those interactions, you will discern what God's will is. Listen more than sharing and you will learn a lot! You could save yourself a great betrayal or heartace by not rushing into 'instant friendship'. Give it time.
I know for me, he has always given me at least one close friend each place I have lived. It took time . . . sometimes even years. But in the last 20 years, I have only lost one of those close friends. I am still very close to several. My dh says that I have been blessed with more friends that are "loyal" and true than most people. I would attribute that to prayer!! And seeking God's will above my own.
Some friends are for a season, some for a reason, and some are for a lifetime! Only God can give you wisdom to know the difference.
What a wonderful relationship to have Deanna! I'm learning the same thing.
I have a friend who knew me before I started pastoring. I wasn't as strong spiritually when we met but she knew enough that I wasn't like everybody else. That was more than a decade ago.
She wasn't pursuing a relationship with God but He told me to be her friend. Not try to win her yet, just be her friend. We've been friends every since. Within the past year or two, I've just gotten to a place where we can discuss spiritual things and I can counsel her spiritually.
She hasn't gotten the victory over her tongue yet and still swears in my presence. Well she's been doing this for years. She has gotten better though. She did say she would be more aware when we're out in public out of respect for the office I hold.
I don't bare my soul as much anymore because of the shift. I'm learning how to really bend the savior's ear more. We really thought she would become a part of the ministry but she chose not too. That kinda hurts. I can pastor her on the phone and counsel till the cows come home but she continues to go to another church. There have been times when I wanted to say go talk to your pastor! But I hold my tongue.
Hubby and I had to sever ties with another couple. I kinda expected it though and knew it would be just a matter of time.
Oh, and being in one-sided friendships where I'm the only one calling, emailing and checking up is wearisome as well.
I stoppled calling this one "friend" when I realized I was the only one calling and pouring out my soul. It was so one-sided it was crazy. I said enough is enough! Then thought man, I must have been stupid or pretty needy! LOL!
I'm a giving person by nature -- ask hubby. You ask and I'll do if possible. What I discovered about my old "friends" is that I wasn't getting any of that back. Had to let them go. I deserve better.
Life is very busy and it's harder to make friends as we get older (The more children that you have, the more apparent this becomes). Also, if your dh is shy or more introverted , that can make it hard to connect with others. Nevertheless, just demonstrate friendship toward women around you by being available , compassionate, giving, and tenderhearted. If you love kids, bless a mother by giving her time to herself while you watch her kids or take her to Chuckie Cheese where she can talk & the kids will be happy too. If you can afford to "treat" her to lunch and have her nails done, do something feminine together! Just anticipate the needs of others around you and soon you'll see a circle of friends forming. Lastly, getting involved in social activities at church and working behind scenes on them builds community. Sometimes a friendship begins just by helping out and getting to know others who are serving.
The above are things that people have done for me and it birthed a friendship over time. One lady kept treating me to having a manicure or pedicure. That was a treat because I don't spend money on me but she made me feel special...like a princess! We have girls and we'd sometimes go with them. It was just fun having girl time. I just let her talk and tried to encourage her. I didn't tell her much about me or my challenges in life. Another took me out and got me a body wrap. It was hilarious seeing what we looked like! It was just fun. So if you can afford to spend a little money or reach out to others with acts of service, words of encouragement, quality time, etc. go ahead and initiate getting to know others. But do it with no strings attached! We want friends with pure hearts/motives not ones who want something from us.
The thing with my DH...he is SO friendly and outgoing, that even at my friendliest and warmest, I look like the Ice Queen next to him, lol! To add to that, I'm the children's pastor, which means we're upstairs with the kids most of the time. And we're 30 years old and have no kids of our own yet, which kind of "displaces" us with other people our age. At the same time, my church is adjusting to this arrangement, too - they've never had a female on staff whose husband wasn't also a pastor on staff! I try not to make that an issue, because I am going to do what I was called to do, regardless of my gender.
We're talking about finding a class or something in the community so that we can make friends that way. As I said, I'm not interested in finding new "close" friends - we were unbelievably blessed that we ended up in a church close enough to our best friends so that we can actually get together on a pretty regular basis. I just feel very disjointed right now - very "plucked" from everything that is familiar to me, and it would be nice for DH and me to go grab dinner or coffee - see a show - whatever - with someone other than just each other once in awhile!
But it will happen...I was already "snagged" by my Missionettes coordinator and some other ladies to room together at our Women's Retreat next month (eek...I normally do not enjoy women's retreats! But I'm keeping an open mind!!), so that's a possibility! I also found a local chapter of CYT (Christian Youth Theatre), and that would be great for us to hook into both the arts community AND the faith community in town, as well as broaden our friendship pool...
There's actually hope here. And I cannot thank God enough for that!!
When you make a move or major change, it just takes time before friendships evolve. I am glad you have a plan. It is also WONDERFUL that you already have bare your soul friends. You don't want to make a mistake there with someone you hardly know!
Surprisingly, one of my friends here is a woman who already raised her kids and was single (she just recently married). Nevertherless, she started offering to watch our three kids so we could have a date night, trip away, time to pray, etc. And over time a friendship was forged. All because she reached out to me and met a need we had. We have no family or close friends here. It's been very hard. She fell in love with our kids and has invested in them greatly. Over the last 6 years, we became friends also. And our dh's like oneanother. Her selfless love and ministry to us will be cherished forever. She is a treasure in our lives.
