I am so glad to be back with you. I am back under a new screen name. I had to come back to you ladies, b/c I have been enduring some trying emotions with ministry. I really want to leave, b/c I am too young for this stress. I am 27 years old. We've been senior pastors for 6 of those years of my life. What I miss the most is making friends. I feel I have no emotional outlet, no one to confide in. I have so many other ladies in ministry who are young (ages 20-30), and I can not even make a real connection with them, (we attract a lot of college students to our ministry). The other ladies have wonderful friendships and often times I am so envious and jealous of them, that I want to do and say things to tear them apart. My social life is non- existant. Although I am surrouneded by so many Christians, I feel they do not understand what it is like to be in the position. I often meet other ministry wives, but they are always old enough to be my mother or grandmother. I really do not know what to do. I do know that I do not want to live the rest of my life in lonliness. I think before I do, I will leave my husband and relocate to a new city so that I can be a real person...a normal human being.
***I also need to mention that b/c we have a lot of young women, they also act immature, engaging in gossip, strife, and discord. It almost reminds me of being back in junior high school.
To say I have been there is an understatement... I am there - 34 - but still I know the life of the Pastor's wife can be the loneliest in the world.
The truth is that you are not a "normal person". You are an anointed woman of God on assignment to be a minister to his manservant and a blessing in his life... You are the wife that he has found and you are his good thing!! You cause favor to be on his life! You are his glory!
It is true that friends in the ministry are often hard to come by... Which is why this forum is so important... In my personal experience the best friend is a long distance one... That way I can talk freely without fear of recourse or repeat. As for shopping buddies, I am sure that you can find at least one other person who loves to shop...
In the meantime know that there are those who understand and are always around for support. Also don't discount the friendship of the older minister's wives... they are just as lonely and would probably relish your attention and friendship, and their advice can be most beneficial...
Where do you live? There seems to be a Pastoring Partner member near all of us...
Thanks for the advice, but I still continue to be under my juniper tree. I do have those outer court relationships, but I yearn for an inner court or Holy of Holies relationship, where I can be myself without fear of what I say or putting on some type of facade. I just want to be normal. Just the other day, I tried talking to a lady whom I thought I could trust, it was not anything big, but by the time it got back to us as a rumor and gossip it was magnified 100 times. So, that is why I am so careful about what I say or do in front of the "sheep" because you never know how it will come back to you. Hopefully by being back on the board, my feelings will change. Thanks again for that nugget.
I completly agree with Flow. I am there also. I am 29 and my husband has been pastoring for 5 years and was a youth minister at another ministry prior to that. For the entire 7 years that we have been married I have not been able to be like everyone else.
However, we have a life. We love the ministry and consider it an honor to be chosen by God to serve in the capacity that we do, but we make it a priority to have a life outside of the ministry. I get lonely like every other pastor's wife, but that often. There are several reasons for this. The first is that my HUSBAND is my best friend. There is nothing that concerns me that I cannot talk to him about. There are times when my DH cannot perfectly understand what I am going through. During those times God always sends Godly counsel. This board has definitely been just that. (Thanks ladies )
I also have other interests. My DH and I are very devoted to our children. We do fun things together on a regular basis. I am also pursuing a Master's degree in a field that I love so that I can have more opportunity to minister more effectively in the area of my passion.
I have also learned to be comfortable with who I am in God. As I have committed to be who God wants me to, I find have found more contentment in my life. I enjoy being by myself to relax, reflect, and pamper myself on occasion.
I would admonish you to pray about the feelings that you have. Ask God to deal with you and to send you what you need. It may not be what you want, but that's why He is God.
Remember, we are here to help and encourage each other!
There has already been some great counsel given here, all of which I completely agree with...
How well I understand everything you have described. That's why my best friends are outside the church, as far as my "bare my soul" friends. I do go shopping with women, and I do talk about stuff, and I truly consider them, "friends" (church people) HOWEVER, and this is a big HOWEVER...as my friend, another PW, Lori, says, "my yard only goes so far with them." What this means is, it's not a completely "say whatever I want, all out abandoned relationship. You just can't do that as much as you want to sometimes, and what's hard is when you meet someone in the church who "fits the bill" that you really think COULD be one of those type friends, but you realize...for your safety...your yard can only go so far with them.
You have to prioritize relationships with other pastors & PW's where you can bare your soul. As I sit here right now typing this on my laptop, I'm at a condo that we have rented for vacation with our very dearest pastor friends in ministry, Randy & Dawn. They came all the way out from AZ and we came to Naples together. It's a week of relaxation and doing exactly what you describe...talking about stuff we can't talk to anybody else about -- SAFELY. There are several friends on this board, and also elsewhere in ministry that I know I can pick up the phone day or night and absolutely bare my soul -- and I do. In my experience, you just NEED THIS to survive in ministry, but...YOU MUST MAKE IT HAPPEN. You have to go out and cultivate the relationships and tend to them. E-mail helps tremendously as do free cell phone minutes and now through Verizon, for several years we pay one price for long distance and we talk as much as we want. I have had 8 hour phone calls, believe it or not!!!!!!!!! It's not as good as being there in person, but it sure beats loneliness!!! (Or getting yourself in trouble with a church member, over just being yourself/being honest.)
You know what they say,"It's lonely at the top." That's true. There are lonely days to this walk of life, but you can make it better through being proactive and making the relationships happen. When I moved to FL, I had no "in person" ministry person I could hang out with. I made it a priority to meet some other PW's, though it took time to meet ones I clicked with. Now I do lunch with a few of them once a month. It's really a lifeline.
As far as shopping and just general girl stuff as we would call it, I do that stuff with the ladies of the church and we do have a blast...but I am always careful. I'm the leader all the time whether I'm in the pulpit or sitting in a spa pedicure chair. You've just gotta be...there's no other way around it as much as you might want to take the hat off sometime. As Flow says, you are called by God to this important position. Look at the positives, and cultivate the relationships you need. But don't be afraid to have some fun with your church ladies. I do undertstand you are not having too much fun right now with the attitudes and gossip and jealousy. I understand that -- I faced it heavily in a previous situation but you just have to keep preaching truth, walking carefully...speaking into their lives. Do the right thing no matter what they do. You'll be alright. Either it will improve or God will deliver you into a larger place!
HALLELUIAH!!!!!
We love you and we are here for you to help you anytime.
Hi First Lady, I can identify with how you are feeling. I am 35yrs old and have been married to my dh for almost 13yrs (August). He is an ordained minister and is in charge of the Youth Ministry at our church. As wives of God's servants, we are called by God to minister and stand along side our husbands. This position comes with a price that most of the time will bring joy, blessing, happiness and on the other hand we are constantly under the microscopic eyes of the public, there is also isolation and many tears. I must also say that there are many ladies, some of them might very well be members of our churches that would do just about anything to a "Pastor's Wife", because they have no clue as to the content of the package deal we have. Being a Pastor's wife of course we just cannot get too close to any of the other ladies and join in with the in crowd not that we think that they are lesser than us to any degree but we have to conduct ourselves in a manner that will bring glory to God, protect our husbands ministries and most important we are walking according to Proverbs 31. What I have found that helps when I am struggling, is talking to and praying with my accountability partner, she lives in NY and I am in Fl. It is very important that your accountability partner is not a member of your church. I am praying that God will place the right person in your life to be there for you when you need her. Just like the other ladies have said make time for you, have girl friends that you can just hang out with on your down time. As for those older ladies how about giving them a try, I have learnt a lot from them, there is a saying that age comes with experience and wisdom.
Hi First lady! I completely understand how you feel. I am 35 and sometimes it is so hard to find friends who understand the emotional tug of war that we in ministry go through. The younger women in our churches are for the most part career bound and it is hard to find that person who can see beyond that into a spiritual realm. That is what we are for is to teach them how. The best thing I ever did was find an older woman I could talk to. she became my mentor "My spiritual mom" and I can still call her today. I have about 3 "moms" in the faith after only 4 years in the ministry. Also I have some christian best friends who knew me before the call that I can laugh with and just be me. Of course when I found this website Pr. Deanna ,Flow and others became another outlet for me.I learned words like 'anointed" " called out" "first lady" "Partner". I then realized I am not alone and that whom God calls ,He will not leave alone. Be strong First lady you are not alone. Ask our Father for a special person to talk to "with skin on " but also remember to hang on to the unchanging hand -He is always there!
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