Tired of being quiet...oh dear Jesus, that's the story of my life. 

You probably wonder what I mean by that since I'm a talkative person who is on the rather loud side.  Well, the fact is, that's my natural personality but many times when it's a sensitive issue that Larry thinks will cause greater problem by me saying something about it, he asks me to be quiet.  And oh my ...........the pain.  I was just thinking about it tonight, but it's probably for a different post.  I will just say this, though.  My asst., Lindsay, and I were talking the other night (BTW, she just became a pastor on our staff!!!)  She was saying how something she dealt with in ministry was harder her to "get over" because she never really had opportunity to tell the person involved so many things she would have liked to have said.  I told her I face that ALL THE TIME and it's one of those things that remains the most difficult for me.  When I have to work through a situation but not tell the offending party my feelings (okay, more like, "tell them off" ) because I have held back, it's harder to move beyond.  And the whole time I'm in the midst of the situation I'm usually trying to find time to call my "far away" friends in ministry and sound off (or sound off to the staff members if it's appropriate with whatever situation at hand...) or I exercise, or work in my yard, or go to the beach and float for a few hours.  All that to say........I understand how being quiet drives you crazy.  But i digress..........  Just wanted you to know you're not alone there......

Okay, what I would recommend you do asap is have a speaker come in who can address the topic of the role of the Sr. Pastor versus anyone else in the church (including staff).  Have you ever had someone come in and teach on proper respect, honor, and appreciation for your pastor?  A great idea is to have a friend in ministry handle this for you.  I'm sure from time to time you may have friends come and speak for you.  Let them know there is a situation and ask if they could possibly work it in to their ministry somehow.  I know as for me, I am always there to serve whenever I'm asked to speak, and before I even begin my message most times, whether it's a good friend or just any pastor who has invited me, for that matter, I begin by telling the congregation how blessed they are to have the pastor they have...how they should appreciate them...I also give special significance to the pastor & first lady........(I make sure to draw this line...in case there would be any misunderstandings of that nature - I understand as we have "been there" before).  Sometimes I'll make a statement like, "There's nothing like the first family.  Make sure you take care of yours - they're special!"  And then I'll make a follow up such as, "I'm sure your pastor invests and cares very much for his/her staff members...but as the people of this church, it's necessary that you give and serve all you can to help Pastor So and So, and bless his/her family."  Surely there is someone that you have come in, a local friend, someone who preaches revival, etc. during the year who can speak to this issue.  You are right, it's difficult for the congregation to hear it from you.

Another idea is to make books available that speak to the issue.  There are several that would speak to this...either give these books strategically to some in leadership, or even teach from them.  Do a special series.......

Teach a series on "honor"...double honor, specifically......

Reinforce those who exhibit proper behavior in this regard...uphold them, esteem them.  Reinforce right behavior.   Many times I would not denounce those who exhibited this kind of behavior with Larry and I, but I would simply exalt those who did the right thing.  If someone showed us proper honor, respect and deference, I would do my best to uplift them as examples to the congregation.  Positive reinforcement often really helps.

If you are out and out confronted by these people and they make a statement about you being treated differently than other staff, do not angrily or loudly respond to them, just QUIETLY AND CALMLY state, "Well, truthfully God does set forth in his word that there is a big difference between the man and woman who are called as the spiritual parents (the man and woman of the house) and others who are called alongside to help.  While we are all equals at the foot of the cross, our "roles" are not all equal."  I would say, "my husband and I are called specifically to lead this part of God's Kingdom, however we do have wonderful people who have been called by God to assist us in pastoral ministry and serve as our armor bearers." 

I know firsthand how hard this can be.  We had a situation just like this in a previous church and it was HORRIBLE.  To make matters worse, it was with a staff member who became very divisive.  In the beginning of our ministry there, we were honored as well as our children on various occasions...very openly...in front of everyone -- it was announced, very much up front that the "first family" was being honored.  Well, as soon as this staff member came that changed and they did not do it openly anymore, but on the downlow, because they said that the other staff pastor's family (especially the kids) would be offended that the senior pastor's kids were being honored.  So, if they did honor us in this way, what they did for us would be basically behind the scenes and not public.  I thought that was the stupidest thing I ever heard of.  You should never "hide" blessing the pastor's family.  (Again, there's that celebration, not toleration thing...)  It just blew my mind that they were going to honor us behind the scenes so as not to hurt someone's feelings.  I felt like saying, "if their feelings are hurt over that, I guess they are in the wrong line of work......."  but there we go, another situation where i had to be quiet.  It almost killed me. I told my dh, I did not want any honor at all.  if they had to hide it, just do away with it.  The horrible thing with that situation was -- it wasn't that I "expected" them to do a certain thing for us, or that I felt "entitled" to a certain thing, it was just that if they were going to do something in the first place, it bothered me that they were hiding it so as not to offend the asst. pastor.  It frosted me so bad, I told dh, I didn't want to ever receive a gift again.  It just didn't mean anything.   I never really enjoyed a time of honor or gift there again because I knew the heart (or lack thereof) that was behind it.  I just hate tokenism, but that's another post.........let's move on.

I'm in a very good situation right now, and our staff members are the closest people to me in the world.  I consider them FAMILY.  I not only like to work with them, I like to play with them.  We have fun together.  Tomorrow night, two of them are spending the night at our house.  Half the time we end up playing games, watching movies, talking late into the night, and we just say, "oh, crash here..."  I mean, we are closer than close and I love these people with my life...BUT.......the bottom line is, that the pastor and his wife answer for the bottom line of that church, and carry a different role than ANYONE else.  As much as I love each one of them, they still do not carry the weight on their shoulders that Larry and I do.  Yes, they carry a lot.  Yes, they work hard.  yes, they are called and anointed ministers of the gospel.  But their role is not the same exact as ours, in this church.  And they have a great understanding of that.  It sounds as if your people might not.  Do your staff "fuel this fire"?  Do they delight in the fact that these people are murmuring about you being honored more?  They should not be delighting, they should be CORRECTING these folks that are talking and say, "I'm glad you desire to honor me, but understand, you should be honoring pastor & first lady more simply because they are not only your leader, they are mine too!  And they are the spiritual parents of this house!"  See, I believe maybe the problem is stemming from your staff secretly enjoying these people's attitudes?  You need to get to the bottom of that one.........

If you don't have staff who understand the role of armor bearer you need to get some who do.....and weed the current ones out........

Tell me what you think of what I've suggested and how you think it would go over in your situation and we'll go from there........

I'm pulling for ya, sis...

Love you,

Deanna