Ladies, I just need somewhere to dump my sorrows. I am having such a hard time as a pastor's wife. I am ready to leave. I have never had my mind so made up. I am searching for other churches to attend, because this life is very difficult for me.
Why is it so difficult?
It is b/c I am so lonely. People feel that it is okay to dump on me, but who can I dump on. Somedays, I just want someone to talk to, but it is hard. I am constantly considering others, , but who's considering me?
Whenever I hear about someone giving up as a pastor, I always say,"Well, do you blame them?" It is tough.
Am I wrong for seeking out a new church, where I can be a normal person? I still love God and want to serve Him, but I want a normal life without the microscope and the "fishbowl."
I do not believe it is God's will for you to leave. I understand your wanting to. I've been there myself before! But it's not God's will for you to be at church apart from your husband.
We would love to help you and talk these issues out...why not tell us a little more specifically about what is bothering you. I understand people are dumping on you - you have no one to talk to. We have all been there. First, what are the issues that are pressuring you in the church? We are here to help you and be a listening ear. We may not have all the answers, but we know how to listen and care. And we have all been exactly what you are at.
Second, concerning having no one to dump on, you are right, you can't dump on people in the church. You have to find other ways to cope. I know it's difficult because you spend the majority of your time at the church and with the church people. It would be convenient to have a person there you can talk to about it, but it's just not safe. You have to find someone outside the church. First - we are here for you. We'll listen to you anytime. Second, you need to find a friend there. Perhaps the pastor's wife of another church within a 30 minute to hour drive that you can meet half way for coffee, or come to one another's home. At the very least, a friend to call. If not a pastor's wife, some Christian woman who goes to another church. For example - I talk to my hairdresser. (Yes, I know a lot of people talk to their hairdresser!) Mine is great - she's saved, and a very active member at another church. I'm able to share some things with her that I would not if she were in my church, and she is a good sounding board and also has some great practical advice of someone outside the situations.
Stop trying to find the relationship within the church where you can share your feelings. It would be very dangerous for you to spill your guts to them. You can't do that with church people. It's a price we pay in the ministry that they can spill their guts to us all the time, and we have to go elsewhere. I know, normal people don't live that way, but we're not normal.
I understand the distain for the microscope and the fishbowl. You have to intentionally carve out some privacy for your family. Make your home a haven of rest. Have times you are there without interruption. Take the phone off the hook and really take a day to yourself. Make your home as comfortable as possible for you and your family. I have worked hard to make mine a place where we all love to come home and relax. Actually when I went on vacation I couldn't wait to get home! I missed it so much. I relax here better than anywhere in the world. If you don't have a place like home to run to, this life in ministry gets extremely overwhelming. You have to have a place to let down and be yourself. Home is it.
Years ago I didn't have many deep relationships outside the church. 99.9% of my energies in relationships were invested there. When I went through a time of intense betrayal and church issues it just about killed me. I needed to intentionally develop relationships - deep ones - with other ministers & spouses. I had to "get a life" outside the church. Once I got one, I'll never let it go. It's way too valuable. Yes, your energies are redirected and things are restructured, but it's worth it. You are a better person for it and your church only benefits.
Please don't give up. You're not alone. We understand.
This is such great encouragement, Deanna. I just have such a hard time making friends. I am really introverted. I think it would be a good idea to maybe have friends from another church, rather than pw's, b/c around this area, there is a lot of competition among the male preachers. My husband even has a hard time making friends here. He really tries to reach out to these other pastors, only to be rejected or envied. I do not really know other pw's. There are 1 older lady who have been pastoring at least 20 years alongside her husband and I know she would be an asset to me. I just have a hard time getting the courage to meet her one on one.
As for the issues I have...finances mainly & people leaving our church(especially those I never thought would leave us). Also, the slow amount of growth in 8 years. My husband has such a great vision, but have not seen the manifestation, yet. Don't get me wrong, we are growing in quality. Most of the people are maturing and we have trained 10 ministers. We are just not growing numerically at a steady rate.
Maybe I just need a break from all of this and go to another church for a while. I do not want to give up going to church. I just need time away from this job.
First Lady: I am so with you & understand what you are going through. Just last week, last Wednesday to be exact, I was feeling those exact feelings. I literally cried all day long, about nothing, about everything. I was just so emotionally exhausted. I told dh that I wasn't going to church that night. I just couldn't. The baby & I stayed at home while the boys went to church w/ dh. I watched the silly show "America's Got Talent" & just took some time for myself. I missed church to sit & chill. What a concept for a pw, huh? But do you know what? Thursday was a little better for me. By Sunday, I was really pumped up for church. I was excited to be there, excited to be able to teach God's Word.
So, take a break, but a short break. Skip a service at your church, just one or two, either stay home & use the time to refresh or go to another church. But don't give up where you are. You can do it. We've all felt like we just want to give up. I feel that way once or twice a month. But we have to plow through these feelings, which is easy for me to say when I'm feeling "up." One thing that I have done is gone back through these boards & read other people's posts (& my old ones) during their low points & then rejoiced again when they've posted about God's faithfulness.
As far as people leaving the church, we had a mass exodus between June & October of last year. We had 2 families leave that frankly I never thought would have left & were behind us 100%. It hurt sooooo much. It took quite an emotional toll on dh & I. One reason is that we take it personally; "what did I do wrong?" Of course, if we were to ask them, they may or may not give a truthful answer. But I've learned some things: 1. Some people leave out of God's will. They will have to answer to God. 2. There are some people that leave & you find yourself jumping up & down. 3. That there are some people that leave, those that you have loved & put your energy into. They leave & you are hurt. But after they are gone, the spirit of your church changes. Some of the negativity & complaining that has been going on LEAVES. And you look back & say, "Wow God, You know what You are doing..." And then God replaces those people. Maybe not right away, but He does. that God moves the people out that need to be out.
And finally, I've thought that maybe our two families could get together, maybe meet & picnic in Eufala or something. It'll be a little drive for both of us, but I think we could have a fun, cheap outing together. PM me & let me know.
First Lady, this board is a blessing. I didn't have anyone I could share with. Lets say the spouse...Sr. Pastor is on my last nerve, now who could I share that with? I love the ladies on this board. Someone can one-up me with another husband story...LOL!
Visit and post and vent as often as you need too!
And I agree with Deanna. I don't think you should attend seperately from your husband. Sends the wrong message like there's trouble in the marriage and Sis. So-and-so can make her move on the pastor.
The one thing that I would add to my post earlier: I believe that we can get so down, frustrated, & depressed, that we need to be the ones to be ministered to. That's why I suggest visiting another church for a day. BUT, if I did that, I would pick a church in a town or two over, where no one knew me to avoid any negative talk about dh & me. And your dh could say "please pray for my wife; she couldn't make it this morning, but she will be back in our midweek service."
Better yet, see if your dh could go with you to a church a couple of towns over. When was the last time your dh missed a Sunday service? He also needs a time of refreshing. I know from experience, my father & my dh, that men have a hard time missing a service at their church, especially a Sunday service. But we all need a break & a chance to be ministered to. We're supposed to get 2 weeks of vacation a year at our church. Sounds great! The church has no problem with it. But we're getting down to the end of our year & guess what. No vacation. Dh just keeps putting it off. "I can't do it this week because of this or the following week because of that." Now we don't have money to go anywhere & I start work in 3 days; but we could miss at least miss a Sunday & be able to relax & be refreshed at another church.
So, if you don't feel comfortable going by yourself somewhere, just ask your dh to take a Sunday with you. Just be honest with him. Tell him "I" need this. "I've been down & depressed. I feel like giving up & I need one service where I don't have any responsibilities, where I can go & soak up the presence of God." And if & when you go, make sure you find a church that has a nursery and/or kids church, so that you can spend enjoy the service w/o having to worry about the kids.
