I have written to you all before about the struggle I have with having 3 young babies and ministry. I continue to struggle. For several years I have tried to take your advice and include my children in ministry and start a nursery. This did not work in my church(b/c of people who are unwilling to serve).
They are not able to sit still during service, they cry loudly and want to walk around during service. One night their dad (who is senior pastor) was preaching and our 1 year old started crying and he said take him out of service. I am still angry with him for this, b/c he doesn't understand how hard it is to bring them to church, knowing I can not ever stay in service and hear the Word preached. ( I have one lady to help me, but they are still my kids).
It also does not help b/c my husband and I are in constant battle, b/c he feels that I am his helper and I should be helping him raise our children now, while he does the will of God for our lives. I get so mad when I can not operate in a certain level of ministry, b/c I have babies wrapped around my legs.
He feels that I should wait until they grow up a little, before I try to do certain things that will require me to be away from them so much. Sometimes I punish him and I resent the fact that he gets so much freedom, and gets to go and do ministry whenever and however he wants to. Is this fair? How do I get over this? I am starting to hate this life. It is like my life and ministry is not important to him or to God. Is my first responsibility to train these children? Why doesn't he help me?
I am sorry for asking so many questions at one time. This is just how frustrated I am. I just need to get over this.
Hubby and I have two children and that was enough. I remember feeling tied to the house, not able to pursue the things I wanted and rightfully so. I was a mom. My children needed me. Ministry was pretty much my kids and my husband.
Was I resentful at times...you better believe it. Because being a mom is not glamorous. And Lord knows it seem like thankless work. Its hard to put your own dreams on hold to raise a family. At least it was for me. I really had to battle feelings of resentment because I wanted it all...and couldn't have it all. At least not right then.
Your babies need you. Especially this newest little addition to your family.
And including my kids in ministry/work didn't work for me either. I applaud the woman I read about in Real Simple magazine who was able to pull it off because it was not my reality!
Hubby and I are finally in a place where we can date each other again cause the kids are older can stay home by themselves. We both pastor and it's great because I can really take on ministry outside the home because I spent so much time working on the ministry which was my family.
So know the kids are a blessing to the ministry and work actively in it.
I said all this to say that it gets better. I know it looks like you've got a setback with a little one on the way. But hold on sweetie. Pour into your children. Minister to your spouse and please don't forget to take care of yourself in the process! There is a such thing as MANDATORY ME TIME! Take it!
I will keep you in my prayers. Be encouraged. They grow up and sooner that you know it and you'll wonder where your babies went. I look at mine and can't believe how big they are.
You'll have to change your own mindset on this one with the help of the Lord.
I'm not sure as to your financial situation, but if it's possible, why don't you get someone to help you and pay them for a few hours a week for what you want to do most? For instance, if you want to focus on helping in ministry during the week for a few hours, get a sitter and do that. If you want help during the services, how about getting a "mother's helper" type - maybe even a high schooler who would just be content to earn a few extra dollars by helping you out during this time. I do believe your family is your first ministry and your kids do need you, but I also believe it won't hurt them to have a babysitter for a few hours a week. Even getting someone just to help you during the service time would be a major boost.
If this is not workable.........
Have you sat down and really talked to hubby, away from the kids? Have you explained that you cannot be in two places at once and you need his help? I mean, have you all really had a deep discussion about this and have you poured your heart out to him? Or is it just how you "feel" and you think he should understand/know it? He can't have it both ways. He can't have you watching the kids 24/7, and also being on the front pew all the time. I mean, he's got to understand that it takes two to raise children.
My personal view is that it is not my responsibility alone to raise my children. I believe it's a mother and a father's job to raise children. I really have a hard time with men who father children and then just turn them over the Moms to raise. We had a speaker preach at our church one time who introduced his teenage kids and said, "I just want to introduce you to my kids, and let you know they are only wonderful kids today because my wife 100% raised them while I was out doing the gospel. I had nothing to do with it." He looked at it as a compliment but my dh and I looked at it as a shame...a shame that he did not have anything to do with the raising of his kids, he basically just slept with his wife and got her pregnant, then ran off to preach the gospel while she raised them. I realize plenty of people did this back in the olden days, but I think most people realize more today that a father is needed in raising children and that mom shouldn't be saddled down with the complete responsibility of raising them while the dad just goes out and works. Maybe your husband was raised in that environment where his father did something else 99% of the time and his mom had the full responsibility of the kids...perhaps this is his background and it's hard for him to envision life another way. My dh and I never had our kids in daycare or anything, but we both took responsibility for them and juggled them between us, that's the only way our joint ministry has worked. When I had a ministry obligation he had them, and vice versa. There were times over the years I'd be up at the church working on ladies ministry and dh was home alone with the kids -- lots of times. He just knew that was how it had to be if our church was going to have a thriving women's ministries with me leading it. At the same time over the years when I led choir rehearsals or whatever...he did the same. I do the same when he leads men's ministry or when he's preparing a message, etc. etc. I understand the strain you are under because it seems your husband doesn't want to reciprocate, he just wants to 100% put the kids on you.
I think this is more of a problem between you and your dh rather than you & the kids. How about getting a sitter for 2 or 3 hours, go out on a date...and get into some serious conversation about this...
It is so hard being a pastor's wife. We don't have a church nursery either. My kids are 9, 4, & my baby Hannah is 20 months now. Hannah has done pretty good in church until the last 2 weeks, & boy has it been fight. Then there's her 4 year old brother Cole who is yelling, spitting, climbing over or under the pew. It's horrible. There are many services that I have asked, "why have I even bothered to come to church?" It's a horrible feeling. I'm totally embarrassed with the kids' behavior. In my head, I'm imagining the congregation saying "she can't control her kids, yada, yada, yada." But I do thank God for one or two of the ladies in the church who will take one of the kids to sit with them. I could not make it.
First Lady, know that you are NOT alone in your feelings. I too get so mad when I see dh drive off "to go to the church" & leave me with the 3 kids fighting. He gets to meet with other ministers & "fellowship". He can have adult conversations. I can only imagine a trip by myself anywhere, with music playing, and no kids going "mom, so & so's touching me."
It's ok to have these feelings. And I agree w/ Deanna, you need to vocalize them to your hubby. If you're like me, you do talk to dh & things get better for a month or two. And then things w/ dh revert back to the old way. This week has been the week that I've been frustrated. Instead of flying off the handle this time (for the first time I might add), I calmly told him how I was feeling. But I admit, though I didn't yell, scream, or give him the silent treatment (which happens to be my specialty), I did tell him "you do things your way & I'll do them mine." (But yes, I was having some passive-aggressive thoughts.) Dh & I did manage to have a normal conversation & he has said that he is going to take off Thursday & Friday (due to meetings & a death in the church, he hasn't had a day off in over 2 1/2 weeks.)
So remember, what you are feeling is normal. We've all been there. I'm holding on to the promise of the moms w/ older kids that it will get better for us.
