Thank you in advance for being here on the board for me. It is great that we have each other. I really have no one locally that I can talk to when I am discouraged. Not even my husband. He doesn't like for me to have "pity parties,"as he calls them.
Herein lies the reason that I am writing. I am in need of help, b/c I have begun to feel that I am 2nd to his ministry. I want to get away from him and his ministry. I understand that it takes a lot to run ministry, but shouldn't there be balance. I am tired of standing by his side and his dreams, but no one ever considering my dreams. When I say 2nd to his ministry, I mean we never have time for us anymore, particularly since our 3 babies. I continue to tell him that we need to go on dates, and he will agree, but never take action. I do not feel that I should initiate it, b/c I want to be courted. I want to be asked out. I say, we need a vacation, and we really do, but according to him we never have money....
I am sorry , i will stop here. I could go on and on about how miserable I am, but I won't. Pray for the Pastors family! Thanks!!!
My heart really went out to you as I read your post. You'll be on my prayer list until I hear some sparkle flowing through those keystrokes of your computer. (Seriously)
Most of the time I'm an evangelist. When I'm home, I preach at my home church 3 or 4 Sunday nights a month. My husband, who is not a minister, but who is my #1 supporter, recently talked to me about slowing down a bit. I don't FEEL like I'm neglecting him, but it's so easy to get caught up in the flow of ministry that we miss those signs that indicate we need to come to a screeching halt and care for the needs of our spouse.
Ministry is not my first priority (God IS, so don't misunderstand.) I firmly believe the cards need to be stacked thus:
1. God
2. Family
3. Ministry
Your husband probably does, too, but it is so easy to get those cards mis-stacked. Someone calls, drops by, needs help, is sick...yea, it's easy to let Ministry slip into No. 1 position--even above God.
I'm not being very helpful. Sometime we can't just "kiss it make it better." Your husband knows his love for you is a priority, and he may be just as frustrated as you are that he can't spend more time with you.
This post was very helpful. Especially after I talked to him about it. I felt that he still loves me and his family. But, he has so much on his plate right now. So many times I feel guilty for going to him with my problems, because he has so many other problems to solve. How do we make it through this life as Pastors. It is so easy to let people, situations, ministry, and other important things get in the way.
he was so hurt when i told him that me and the kids would move away from him and seperate, b/c obviously he has no time for a wife and children. I think it would really help him if we move out away from him, b/c then he could focus more on others and on other things.
I can relate to what you are describing. Not only I am a Pastor's wife, but I am also a Bishop's kid. I know how ministry can be consuming. I know how sometimes we can feel like we are last on the list after ministry, the kids, elderly parents, the list goes on. I understand.
I am glad that you are at least communicating to your dh about this topic so that he realizes that you desire more one-on-one time with him. However, I am going to go out on a limb here. I think that taking the children and leaving will not solve the problem. Dh will not be better able to do ministry. I believe that just the opposite will happen. His ministry would probably languish at best. Without you and without knowing that his family is in tact will most definitely hurt, if not kill his ministry. More than likely you are a large part of the reason why he can do what he does.
I also understand wanting to be courted. My dh is far from the romantic type, so I have to help him out. I have made countless hints about going on dates, and he has probably initiated about 2 or 3 in our 9 years of marriage. I finally had to come to the understanding that he does not really think about stuff like that unless I mention it, and that he is just not very creative in this way. If I want to go on a nice date, I have to plan it for the most part. Once I got over that, then I could actually enjoy the dates that we go on. Maybe the two of you can agree to compromise. Whenever dh and I do go away for the weekend, he seems to be more likely to do something romantic then if I were sitting at home waiting for a romantic idea to hit him.
I can relate to what you are saying because the ministry tends to be "all consuming" however, a mentor once advised me, since the ministry is all consuming, it's so important to have your family do it with you. I understand the need for getaways, dates and romantic times. Believe me, I'm all about that. And there was a time our marriage had far too little of it. In fact, there was a time my marriage was dead! (I'm living proof, something that has become totally dead CAN come back to life! I used to feel totally numb toward my husband and had no more feeling for him in my heart. Now I can't wait til' he walks through the door and the greatest thrill of my life is being with him.) We needed a lot of healing in our marriage because we allowed the hurts of the ministry to come between us and blamed each other rather than the devil, and his working through other people.
I agree with Tausha - leaving him IS NOT the right decision. Not only is it not best for you or your children, but she is right, dh's ministry will only languish. I believe you need more time together, both functioning in ministry, and apart from ministry. First...to what extent are you a part of his world in the ministry? I do not recall exactly what you're involved with right now, but here's the thing -- if you are not involved he may feel alone and like you really don't understand what he is going through in the ministry. He needs a partner there as well as in the home. So, I would bolster up on whatever you are involved in and try to become as much of his world there as possible -- let him know -- you want to be a team in the home and outside the home as well. Then...let him know that not only is your greatest desire to partner with him in the church, but at home. Okay, now I'M going to go out on a limb.
Communicate with your dh about your desires. So, you want more time with him. I'm assuming you want romance -- you say you want to be courted. I'm a big believer in giving away what you want and that's what you'll get in return. If you want romance, give it. Maybe he has never been trained before, in fact most men have not. They are clueless about this. You have to teach them what you want them to do and in time they will know how to initiate it. You need to do something BIG to show him exactly what you want. Write him an e-mail and in detail pour out your heart to him...tell him you desire him...tell him you are craving more of him. I would keep is positive, however don't hold back. What I mean by that is, don't say, "you never spend time with me anymore and we don't have any romance." Instead say, "Darling, I am craving you so incredibly that I feel like I'm going to go crazy if I don't have you more...so, please be ready when you come home tonight because I'm going to have you all to myself!!!" (Then maybe line up somebody to watch the kids...make good on what you said...I would have my best Victoria Secret outfit on...and well, you can just take it from there as to how you would do it, but if you want some suggestions I'm sure those of us on the board can help you out with those too...)
So, perhaps he does not respond to that. No problem. That's where you go to his office, come in unannounced, lock the door behind you...and do the same thing there...
It's not all about sex. However, men do respond to that first. So maybe you can start there first. I believe he'll be more receptive to conversation after that.
As far as the dates and money...
We lived on the poverty level for 15 years and I'm not exaggerating. I feel like I have a degree in keeping a marriage together though you have no money to invest in it. It's not easy but it can be done. First, if you have no $ for a babysitter, work out a deal with a friend. If you only have $ for the babysitter, use the money on that, and do something that doesn't require money. There were times dh and I got a sitter, took the kids to the babysitters, and we stayed home, had a candlelight dinner and some time alone together, then went to pick them up. There were times our "date" may have considered of going to get an ice cream and then parking, talking for a few hours, sometimes more than talking...
I know you want him to initiate the dates but right now he doesn't see the reason. Don't give up on him because he doesn't understand. He has obviously not been raised to see the need for this. So show him. You schedule the first few dates. Then, make them the best time of his life. The thing NOT to do (I did this in the past) was once you are on a date, then tell him everything you are upset about. Resist the temptation to do this. There is a time you do need to communicate and get your feelings out, however if you blast him with all this on the first date he will think, "this is terrible...I don't want to do this again..." Make the date a time to have fun, nurture one another, rest and recoop from your busy life.
I know we want to be chased and we want them to initiate things. Believe me, I understand. But sometimes you have to chase them first to get them to understand why!
One more thing I always say is, "act on the facts and the feelings will come." There was a time that I "felt" nothing in my marriage. It was dead. I knew we needed to reconnect. I knew we needed healing. I knew we needed to go on dates. But I "felt" nothing. I had come to the point of just not caring. The Lord spoke to me to act on the facts and one day I would feel love for my husband again. The facts were -- God did not want us separated or divorced. The fact was, there was no scriptural grounds for our marriage to end. The fact was, God wanted me to love, forgive, have grace toward my husband. The fact was, although I felt nothing God wanted me to be a great sex partner to my husband because His Word says I should. So, I'm here to tell you that for months, and I do mean many months...I acted only on facts and felt absolutely zippo. But one day, in obeying God and acting on the facts of his Word, I felt love deeper than I ever felt before come into my heart for my husband. It wasn't the same kind of love I felt when we got married, it was so much greater and still is today.
I just encourage you to not give up. I don't believe your husband deep inside has no caring about your dreams, it's just that he is so burdened with the work of the ministry right now. A man's worth is generally tied up into two things - his work and his sex life. If one of those is not going well, he most times feels horrible about himself. Men have to be affirmed about those two things, all the time. If he feels the church is not going well, or something more needs to be happening that's not, he is probably depressed. God has given him you as a magnificent gift to help him through it.
I'm praying for you and I believe in you. Don't give up!
Keep in mind that separation that could lead to divorce can break your heart and his. You don't really want to live away from that man. You really want to cuddle up on the couch with him and listen to him speak love words in your ear.
Deanna suggested that you reach out to him. I agree. Let him know that you can hardly wait for him to come home. Touch him. Show your love.
(Prayer: Heavenly Father, we ask you to come against the enemy who is trying to separate this family. Show them clearly that it is the enemy--and not each other--that they are battling. Father, renew their love for each other. Draw them to each other. Refresh them. In Jesus Name. Amen)
