That was an amazing post P.D. I have so dealt with the Mrs. PW Wanna Be (PWWB).
For those who have been on the boards a long while, you may remember the woman who literally went after my husband. She had a bad marriage. As his common practice, dh stayed with her during her husband's complicated cancer surgery. After this surgery (while her husband was still in the hospital) she called to tell dh that she was in love with him. Another time she asked dh, "If something happened to Trace and something happened to my husband, could we get together?" I was getting nervous to say the least. I actually thought she might do something to hurt me. I did sit down and have a heart to heart with her and told her to leave my husband alone. I didn't have it in me at the time to tell her that she needed to find another church. Honestly, at that time, I was concerned about losing a family in the church. Thank God I don't have that mindset anymore.
One thing that this PWWD would do was to try to take my place at the altar and try to stand by my man. There has also been an occasion or two where I questioned the motives of certain women during an altar service. I then question myself & wonder if I'm being petty. I don't want to hinder anyone from following the leading of the Holy Spirit. I'd love to hear your opinions on this. What is the role of the PW during altar services? And now I am on the only piano player at church. Do I leave the piano if during praise & worship people come to the altar? (At the end of service we put on a cd.)
Another mistake that I made at this one church was to ask another lady to take over the women's ministries. I didn't realize the impact of this decision at the time. She was a great lady and would never hurt me at all. And I was feeling overwhelmed, being a pw, mom of 3, and working outside of the home. A couple of years ago, I was reading an article for PW's (perhaps in the Enrichment Magazine ?). The author stated that when a PW allows another woman to be over the Women's Ministries in the church, she is giving away her spiritual authority. The PW is allowing there to be "another woman" in her husband's life & the life of the church. Let me tell you, that hit me like a ton of bricks. I promised God that I would never give away my authority again. Since coming to this new church, I have had someone volunteer to do Women's Ministries, and I have politely told her that it was my calling and my role in the church. And of course, I would welcome any help.
I take a little more balanced approached than the all or nothing described. I welcome other women's leaders in the church and want them to function in their gifts and call including altar ministry. However, I believe there is a time of getting to know people before you put them in position, particularly to minister to people up close and personal. The Bible says, "know those who labor among you..." How well do you know those who labor among you? Here's my experience...
My "red flags" go up when a lady comes into the church and on day one/week one/month one says to me, "I need to talk to you about women's ministries" or "I need to talk to you about altar work" and the first thing they want to do is take it over. I have never, in 25 years, EVER had a spiritually healthy person do that. It's always the flakes or the Jezebels who come in and tell you that within 30 days of getting there. People who are truly called to those roles don't come in and just announce it to you -- they totally understand that the lead pastors have to get to know them and get comfortable with them before even putting them in an assisting capacity in those roles, let alone the head of a ministry.
I find that if I let people know we're not going to put them in one of those roles right away they just leave the church and go looking for another church that will put them in position quicker.
I believe the crux of the problem is not necessarily whether the PW is heading it or not but how much proving time do we have people go through before we put them in key roles? I can't do it all in the church however when something is delegated it needs to be to a truly mature person in Christ and not some flake just itching to take over.
As far as the role of the spiritual mother of the church - nothing should replace the pastor's wife's role in that -- but that is whether she is at the piano or the altar, or wherever she might be in the room. You are spiritual mother no matter where you stand as long as you stay active somewhere in the body where God has called you to be.
I hope that I didn't give the impression that I have an all or nothing mentality. I don't think the article I referenced was like that either. I realized that when I relinquished my role, the wonderful lady that took over did not have the same passion or vision that I did. We began going in a different direction than I wanted to go. And I felt powerless to get us back on the right track. At one January meeting when we were discussing our goals for the year and projects that we wanted to do, I said that we didn't need to make any decisions that night but spend a month in prayer, seeking God's direction. One lady in the church got really mad at me for making that statement.
At my last church, the "WM" president was a voted in position. The person that was in that position had been there for years. There was nothing I could do. She would ask my opinion occasionally as a token gesture, but she didn't care what I thought. In over 2 years that I was there, I was NEVER the spiritual mother of that church. Of course, at this church, they wanted a puppet not a pastor.
I have learned a lot over these last few years in the ministry. This article really helped me identify and clarify what MY personal calling is as a PW, and now I can say co-pastor. Two years ago I would never have used the term co-pastor. I can today with just a little hesitancy. (I was a pk & said that I would never marry a pastor. I've come a long way.) I know in my spirit that we went through everything that we went through for such a time as this. I am not the same PW that I was 4 years ago. Our last church really helped dh & I realize that we were not "traditional" pastors as many churches in our area want. We both know who we are and feel equipped to lead our current church in a new direction. We are looking forward to the things to come.
As far as the altar service goes, I am going to ponder that some more & talk with dh. Thank you for those words. I needed that...the need to please and do right in the sight of man (woman) has taken over there. I can hear critics in my head, "Can you believe that the PW didn't go down to pray with that poor woman? Or "Can you believe the PW went & prayed with her. Didn't she know that she needs to play so I can continue to worship?" I will just continue to listen to the Spirit and play when He leads & come down & pray when He leads.
You know me. I am an analyzer. It just dawned on me that the idea of being a spiritual mother is fairly new to me, only since I have been on these boards. I grew up in an A/G pastor's home. I went to A/G summer camp. I went to an A/G college (Southeastern). NEVER did I hear any talk about the PW being a "spiritual mother." Honestly, I'm not sure my mother ever saw herself in this role. Any discussion would be about the duties of the PW, what meetings to attend, "church people" etc. and never about "spiritual motherhood." That is probably why the article helped me out so much, reinforcing what you wonderful ladies already shared. It helped me see my role in the Kingdom totally different, and not only as a help to "Pastor DH." So that is probably a discussion to itself..what does it mean to be a spiritual mother?
Thankfully I have only had one situation where I dealt with the WBPW and that was right after my dh and I got married and were pastoring on a college campus. I had no idea what my role was going to be at that time except that that was my husband and I was not about to put up with any nonsense! I remember very clearly taking the woman aside one evening and telling her she had two options, she could leave and not come back or get her act together and leave him alone. She chose the first and moved on to another group where she did the same thing. I too am learning more and more about being the spiritual mother and think that would make a great new thread topic Trace!
