Okay, since we're on a roll these past few threads by talking about people leaving, let me share an opposite situation that I also DETEST!!
I hate this...
People leave an unhealthy preacher-eater church, one where it's tumultuous and toxic, and yada yada and they leave that environment when it blows up and the pastor is usually forced to leave. So upon this horrific brou-ha-ha they go searching for a healthy place to land.
They land with me/you. They come to our church/your church. They LOVE it. It's a great healing place for them. They talk about it much - how blessed they are to be in a safe environment with healthy people and loving pastors. They flourish. Things are going well. They are there at least 3-6 months maybe more (I've known this to go even a year or two!) and some are getting ready to become members, others do become members. Then, suddenly...
Things change.
Why?
Well, the previous unhealthy church from hell has a new pastor. He and his wife have been brought in and touted as pastors who are great with turning around a church. They are actually probably good people with good hearts, and just wanting to do a work for God. They come in promising, God's gonna do a new work in this place. But instead of looking for new people, they do a mass mailing out to everyone who has left (often upon the request of the board) asking all the people who left to pleasssssseeeeee come back and try the church again now that it's under new leadership. They don't just send out this mailing, they call. They facebook. They email. And they have the remnant left at the church do the same. Despite their "good hearts" they might even try a super sneaky move like asking some who have left to come back to speak one night, or plan a "homecoming celebration."
Pretty soon these folks come to you and say, "we love you guys, you have been awesome to us these past few months/year...we have experienced a lot of healing but we really feel like we are supposed to go back and help these new pastors get things off the ground at our old church...they are really trying to do a work for God over there and although we just love you guys and we love this church and we never imagined we'd be going back, we just feel like it's the right thing to do."
I wouldn't be writing this post if it happened just once.
I've had this happen so many times in our ministry.
I hate it!!!
Anyone with me on this?
There is also the issue of someone having a "Hold Over Church" as I call it. this is where they don't liek the pastor of their church, and go somewhere else until he's gone, then go back once he resigns. I wrote about it here http://www.deannashrodes.com/2007/03/hold-over-churches-why-i-dont-believe.html
Been there, done that with these kind of folks one too many time. I have a feeling I'm about to deal with some more and wonder how in the world I'll hold my cool one more time.
We never experienced this type of situation in our church. What we dealt with was the board wanting to "attract" those that left with the "new pastor" but sending out personal letters to all members who left. We refused this to happen. We were ok with announcing to the community that there was a new pastor but not personalized letters. My thoughts are why would those that left even want to go back to where they were hurt enough to leave?! Just doesn't make sense to me! What really doesn't make sense is why a "new pastor" would WANT to attract those that left to come back. I totally get the "bring in the numbers." But honestly if they left, they were hurt either by current members, the previous pastor or because the pastor left or was removed and they were loyal to that pastor. That hurt could cause more heart ache to a new pastor than not having those people return. (This IS something we dealt with and caused GREAT discord and trouble for us.)
This happened to us recently, but the family was only with us a few months. This family was fairly new to the area. They said that God had told them that they were going to have a difficult time finding the "right" church when they moved. (This should have been a huge clue for us.) They had been at a previous church a few months and they just "couldn't go back," after something that happened at the church. We loved them. We invested time and energy. We discussed hurts from the past and were told, "I'm not sure why I am telling you guys this. I haven't told this to anyone." And she and I clicked. We thought alike. I think different than most people, so it was refreshing to find someone who "got" me. Since we were new to pastoring the church, we shared our vision. They said they were on board. Then one Saturday, we heard "we are praying about what we should do. We knew that we were going to have a difficult time finding a church. Something just doesn't feel quite right for us. We're not sure where we are going to church tomorrow. We are here if we can help you though." And we haven't seen them since. But we know that they went straight back to the church they had left.
When some people leave, I know it is God and I'm ok with that. I didn't feel that here.
My problem is that by nature, I am an analyzer. I replay over & over the conversations and think of the woulda, coulda, shoulda's.
This is where I do a lot of self-talk. I remind myself of Phillipians 4:8. I have learned to tell myself, "I will not let this distract me from doing the work that God has for me. The devil loves it when he can distract us. I choose not to be distracted." And then I hide them from my facebook. I don't unfriend them, but for my own mental health and spiritual well-being, I choose to not be involved in their daily lives through fb. (Hopefully that doesn't sound too petty.)
Even writing about this is still hard. My chest gets tight. But I will not be distracted.
My problem is that by nature, I am an analyzer. I replay over & over the conversations and think of the woulda, coulda, shoulda's.
This is where I do a lot of self-talk. I remind myself of Phillipians 4:8. I have learned to tell myself, "I will not let this distract me from doing the work that God has for me. The devil loves it when he can distract us. I choose not to be distracted." And then I hide them from my facebook. I don't unfriend them, but for my own mental health and spiritual well-being, I choose to not be involved in their daily lives through fb. (Hopefully that doesn't sound too petty.)
Even writing about this is still hard. My chest gets tight. But I will not be distracted.
Chocolate is definitely sounding good right now!
You and me both, girl. I am such an analyzer and I get caught in the web of woulda shoulda coulda. I have to do exactly as you mention and employ the positive self-talk. Cancel, cancel, cancel!
I get very stressed over these issues and have to remember, it's not personal. It's hard not to take it that way. People are basically "firing you" as their pastor when they do this, and even though it's really NOT personal (these folks have issues) anytime you get fired it's hard.
