What do you say to people in the church who are discouraged that others have left?
We have been at our current church for 7 months. We came in to a hurting church in turmoil. God pretty much cleaned house. In this process, there have been SEVERAL people that have left. Since our congregation is small, you notice every person that is not there. We know that God had to weed people out. Past practices were simply not acceptable.
The challenge is how to encourage the members who are left. We emphasize the good things that are happening. Any other ideas?
TIA. Love you ladies!
P. S. Gotta give a shout out to the Lord. He told us about 5 months prior to us coming to the church that we would be going to a hurting church. I love how He prepares us to do His work. Of course, we did not know just how bad it would be, and that's a good thing as well.
Recently my husband was talking to a person from Spain and he said, "what is the main difference you notice in the churches in America vs. Spain" or "what is the difference in pastoring in Spain?" or something like that, can't remember exactly how he phrased the question but the person's answer was, "In my country when we are in a church service, we focus on who's there, not who's not there."
All that to say, my husband brought up to me the other day that he wonders if this is handled differently among American churchgoers. It appears to be a universal problem that many church members ask their pastor, "where are the so and so's?" or "why have they left?" and it seems to be a very big deal especially in a church of 200 or less where it is more noticeable.
When we had two Sun morning services in a previous church I noticed the questions went way down because most people don't know a family has left, they just assume they attend the other service. I am looking forward to two Sunday morning services again one day for that reason alone. It's not that I don't want people to care, however as has been discussed on a previous thread here about people leaving, most people who ask you don't do so with pure motivations. It's usually to be nosy, stir up trouble, curiousity, etc.
So, how do I encourage?
I don't ever point out the people who have left or discuss it. Especially in official news of the church (bulletins, e-newsletters, facebook, twitter, etc.) I believe all of the communications of the church should be positive at all times.
I never bring it up in a message. Even if I'm upset about it myself.
I do point out how many people have gotten saved. Every time. Make a huge deal of this, all the time - it never gets old. A pastor friend of ours who pastors 4,000 said this has been his tactic all along in taking the church from 150 when he first came 25 years ago to 4,000 strong today. He points out every week how many people are getting saved and never ever focuses on who's leaving.
I point out how many are coming - how many came to the last newcomer's night, or tell illustrations about new people that I've been talking to. Like I might say, "The other day, I was having coffee with Teresa, one of our newcomers, and she shared with me how much Celebration has changed her life..." Always keep newcomers faces in front of them.
If people approach me and say, "I'm so upset about Mr. and Mrs. Mover leaving," I let them say their spiel for a few minutes and then I say, "You know, I can understand being upset when people leave - it always breaks my heart too but you know I can't focus on that -- I have to focus on what God is doing and how many lives are being changed..." then I switch the subject to what God is doing. Our former pastor we worked for as YP's always tells anyone who asks him about people leaving, "Yeah, I know...it breaks my heart, just breaks my heart when people do this."
If people push it further and seem to indicate that somehow it's your fault that these people have left or want you to do something other than what you are doing, say something like, "You know, people have a free will. We are not a cult and we do not try to control people. We love them, we want to pastor them. Sometimes they want to leave of their own free will and if they decide that we must let them and as much as it breaks our heart, we have to let them go. We keep them in our prayers and move on to what God has for us. Speaking of what God has for us, let me tell you what exciting things are happening..."
I always have a speech prepared in my head of what I'm going to say when people ask me these things. I never leave it to chance. Recently I had someone ask me about someone after a YEAR! I knew it was coming I didn't know when. But I know it's been stuck in their mind just waiting to approach me. Finally they did and I had my speech memorized, gave it and it sufficed. I find for me I have to do that otherwise I may say things I would regret. (Trace spoke in another thread here this past week about inwardly rejoicing when some people leave who have caused trouble. I've done that. But it would be unwise to reveal that. So especially for those cases, I have my speech memorized that I say about so that I can tell the truth AND not let it get me in trouble. For those cases I usually don't say it breaks my heart. It doesn't in a few cases. For those I say that we have to allow people to make their own decisions and we bless them, and pray for them or something like that.
Hope this helps...I'd like to hear many other ideas because this is something you always need to stay sharp on -- in a going and growing church, it's just a fact that you do have attrition. A friend of ours has seen his church grow to about 1,000 but he said in the process he went through at least 500 people who aren't there anymore. I don't tell you that to depress you but to encourage you. We have experienced that at CC. We have had to "re-plant" our church and had a complete turnover - hence one reason for our decision to make the re-plant official and re-launch as Celebration Church. We had to get beyond our past and what we came into...
PD: You recently made that statement on your blog, "focus on who's there, not on those that aren't." That really spoke to me and has helped me out a lot. I have shared this to a couple of our leaders.
I also stress Philippians 4:8... whatever is true, honest, just, pure, lovely, of good report, think on these things. I continually bring people back to this Scripture. (For that matter, I continually bring myself back to this Scripture.) "So what are those good things that have been happening?" By asking the question, it makes the other person stop and think. If they can't come up with an answer themselves, then I am happy to oblige.
I also use every opportunity possible to stress what an amazing church family we have. And we do. Those that have been on the boards for a while know the trials we faced at a couple of our previous churches. We have never felt the love and support that we do now. I continually tell the church, as a congregation & individually, how amazing they are. I also tell them that if they love the newcomers the way they love us, I know without a doubt that our church will grow. How can it not?
I do have one additional question along the same line as my original question: What do you say when people bring up that a former church member is in the hospital, giving you the hospital & room number, expecting you to go see them? What are your thoughts in general? I feel that if they choose to go to another church then they do not want dh & I to be their shepherd. I usually say, "We'll definitely be keeping them in our prayers."
Oh wow, GREAT follow up question/issue. I've faced this one too and I know we're not the only two who face this, Trace! I've heard of that sooo many times.
In just the last month I had somebody approach me to see if I had "reached out" to someone who has been gone a really long time, but is having some obvious problems. No matter how obvious, you are absolutely right...I am not their shepherd - they have chosen someone else to fill that role. And I believe to contact that person is quite honestly "prostelytizing" at that point -- they have another pastor, another church, and for me to interfere with that would almost be akin to sheep stealing.
I do the same thing you just said - I tell them that they'll be in my prayers but if they point blank ask me to call/visit/email or whatever I say, "being that I am not their pastor anymore and they have made that request clear, I want to respect the boundary they have put there."
Pastoring a church of less than 50 one of the biggest issues we faced was the "ones that were left" after the previous pastor was removed asking us to send out letters to everyone. ( This sorta ties in to another thread) We refused to do that. If they left, they were hurt and honestly we didn't want to bring that hurt back into the church. So the board made a huge announcement to the community about having a new pastor but never sent out personalized letters that we know of. Anyway, one of the issues we faced were the negative comments of when we were this size, when we had this music leader, when we had.... or the common statement of "where is everybody" making all those that are there feel worthless. We hated that! Something we always stressed was the positive aspects our church had. The love for new people, they would love on new people like they had been part of it forever. Talked about the good things happening, ect. I agree with PD you really have to stay focused on the good things happenings and point those that are discouraged towards those good things. Something we always tried to do was remind those that were upset with the loss of members that if we focus on the past and those that left we will never attract new members. If all the new people hear is about people leaving or the statement of "where is everybody" they won't stay either. This always seemed to help those that were discouraged. We also dealt with people asking us to "tend" to those in the hospital or needed a visit from the pastor who now longer attended the church as well. The first things we would ask was if this person was attending another church, if they were then we would simple say that they need to call upon their own pastor but we would definitely pray for the person. If the ill person was not attending a church then we would visit them "with" the person that asked us to go. Making it clear we were only there to pray for them and NOT invite them back to the church but encourage them to get back into a church not necessarily ours. Trace I absolutely love the quoting the scripture from Philippians! That alone really brings focus back for those discouraged about members leaving.
Anyway, one of the issues we faced were the negative comments of when we were this size, when we had this music leader, when we had.... or the common statement of "where is everybody" making all those that are there feel worthless. We hated that! Something we always stressed was the positive aspects our church had. The love for new people, they would love on new people like they had been part of it forever. Something we always tried to do was remind those that were upset with the loss of members that if we focus on the past and those that left we will never attract new members. If all the new people hear is about people leaving or the statement of "where is everybody" they won't stay either. This always seemed to help those that were discouraged.
Um, crackedopen4Him, I think we have pastored the SAME church! LOL Oh my stars. Dh and I used to hear ridiculous things like, "When we were this size, we had 500 people sitting down at tables at the missions banquet in the sanctuary." Hmmm...okay, you can't possibly FIT 500 people around tables in our sanctuary. It's a physical impossibility, but whatever. One thing I find is that people tend to blow up in their minds highlights of the past and think they were greater than they really were.
Were we able to have more full time paid staff members, or were more people attending at any given time? Of course. There are the ups and down of a church. I don't know many people right now with more staff members than they had in the past -- pretty much right now everybody I know has downsized, from the mega church to the 50 member church. The economy has hit everybody like a mack truck.
We don't hear these type of things as you mentioned anymore - we are thankfully past this stage 10 years later, and with a re-start and a name change, most people -- I would say probably 85% of our congregation has NO CLUE about the past, or anything about it and would be hard pressed to name a former staffer, even a lead pastor.
One thing I'm realizing is to get past this point you mention takes TIME and you have to OUTLAST it, and that's a very, very hard thing to do. We've done it and yes sometimes I've wondered how in the world we've survived. ONLY GRACE!!!
