Ok. I will try to not be long but who knows how that is going to go. First, we are having daily ups and downs in our new thing here. My husband is really not sure about pastoring. His desire is to be on the road traveling and ministering. He may get to as our director is wanting to come off the road so much and my dh may get to fill some of his dates. THey would kind of like tag team pastor since the director is really the one calling the shots anyway and dh is really in essence a paid preacher. But dh was already in burn out mode from doing something outside his call. And he still feels like an assistant pastor and yes we have talked to our director about it. He knows my husbands desire for traveling and short term missions. We are very up front and honest. Dh has worried he's been too honest but I think if someone asks you how you feel its going and you with hold part of your feelings because you are afraid of meesing up "promotion" then you are being dishonest so dh has decided to be very honest.
Next, my 7 year old dd, is hating school. She wants her old school back. I cannot afford to put her in the private school up here at the AG church. We have no funds for it. That has been a very depressing thing.
Also, the transmission has gone out in BOTH of our vehicles. ALl within 3 days. No kidding. Dh's parents are paying to have one of them fixed. THey bail us out so much.
The guy we brought in to maybe be our music leader came in for a few day visit. In those few days we find out he has been through some serious hurts and is pretty jaded against the church and organized religion. He loves us and is willing to maybe give us a chance but we had no clue he had been thru so much but he admits GOd is dealing with him to forgive it and quit hating the church. But we are like we dont want to be responsible for him getting hurt by someone who maybe is offended by something he would say or do. So we are like God please speak to him not to come unless you absolutley see this is where he needs to be to be healed. Yet...
We are not sure we are going to stay past our one year committment. Pretty sure this isnt for us. We are learning alot and we know this is training. But here is where I am. And I am being gut level honest. I get to have no involvement in even the office stuff because director recommended having a girl do it that is internin here. I have my 3 year old dd when I come and it makes the small office very unprofessional. I already sensed it but it still makes you feel bad. He didnt say it in those words but dh got the jist and I already knew it was probably a problem.
So it looks like all I have to do is put clothes in the dryer. And sing on Sundays. But you know what. I have no desire to do anything is. I am even tired of doing the church thing. I just want to go somewhere where i do have to be a leader. WHere I have no expectations put on me and I can be normal. And dh could do his thing and when it was time fro God to use me maybe I'd have had time to heal form hurts I am still having to work in spite of. If one more leader hurts me I am done. I mean done with church for a while. ANd being afraid to get close to people is not healthy, But my heart is not in this. I am doing it to obey God but there is no passion. ANd like I told dh last night...if GOd hadnt told me my call and let a physical healing be a confirmation to it (God's words in prophesy, not mine) then I would have second guessed it along time ago. SO I cant escape it. Yet, I have NO desire to teach. Here is where I am at.
I have spent ten years doing what everyone "feels" I should do and how they think I should do it. I am very analytical and want to think things thru. When dealing with "authority" and leaders it feels like you have to check your brain at the door and everyhting in my life has had to be so mysitically spiritual. So when I wasnt able to finish college due to a pregnancy sickness, then I just assumed it wasnt GOd's will. ANd when I would entertain the thoughts of it I'd think what's the point, you have a call to teach like its a ball and chain around my foot. Like I had to either do ministry or else. Everything is either ministry or totally carnal and against GOd. OS here I sit ten years later, mad because I have nothing to do. I am presented with an opportunity to get my Bible degree and its accredited. I am glad about that. But why cant I get a teaching dgree in general. (I am not saying I WANT to teach, but just giving an example) why do I feel like I cant just pursue something and when GOd's time for me comes I will have been working toward something instead of feeling helpless because I have no way of offering to help dh financially becuase I could even get a job at walmart. I have a ged. THat's it.
How do we hear GOd on things like this? Is God going to care if I go to school to do something that sounds good to my brain even if I dont hear Him say "Go into this or that thus saith the Lord". Do you get what I am asking? How can I escape my all or nothing thinking? When are my husband and I finally going to be in charge of our lives? We believe in spiritual authority. I swear we do. We have lived it our whole lives. But doesnt there come the point you are finally the one getting to cast vision and do what GOd has put in your heart? Or will we always be quenching our own passions for him and thoughts for me so we can fulfill another mans passion and call. When will we get to think for ourselves? It is making me want to forget the whole thing. ANd this isnt a bad day or even a bad week. This is comeing out of a heart that has gotten hopeless ever since September of 2001. I have become very cynical and unbelieving in leaders and alot of "the system" in general. Its almost enough to just want to mow the grass on Sundays and love GOd alone.
It cant all be bitterness. I know its there but isnt some of this a true thing about being supressed and knowing that the system has got to change. THats why hundreds leave the ministry every month. I know I am not alone. BUt normal is sounding so good. Having a call that seems like will never be fulfilled anyway is too hard. I feel like a hamster on a wheel and I want off. I cant tell the difference between people and God anymore.
And I feel so alone. SO absolutely alone. God isnt talking to me. I mean really talking to me about these issues. I am going thru the motions so I dont destroy my husbands ministry but deep down I want out. I dont see the point. I have no "burden" for anyone. I feel like a dog thats been kicked out of the way one too many times and the next person that reaches at me is going to get their hands bitten off. ANd I know self preservation is wrong but I am tired of being the only one trying to do right and since no one else is looking out for me but just them selves then I am fixing to look out for me. For once in my life!!!!!!!!! SInce the day I married dh I have given up my dreams of college and now when we need stability I have nothing but a GED to offer and now he would like for me to do school and I am thinking we are about ten years too late bub. He see it too though. That we have ben controlled to the point we wont even think for ourselves and he is jsut as burned out as I but he has some hope that one day he will be in control of his own ministry (I am not talking no covering here) but I mean not always fetching another mans whims.
If I sound too extreme please forgive me. I am hurting and on the edge of quitting. Like I said normal is sounding good and until I know what to do with my life I am jsut going to do something I have always wanted to do and that is get my dgree. IN what..I odnt know. I will probably work toward something I can use secularly or for GOd. Like teaching. But if you ladies have any advice i am open to it. I am just licking my wounds and need someone other than dh to hear me out. Its not the same as having a face to face friend but it is better than feeling so absoluetly alone. I feel like a freak and wierdo. And ladies it has been so bad I have wanted to just go on to heaven. I have felt that hopeless.
Just say a prayer fo rme today. I need direction. I need GOd to speak to me loud. I need to him to speak over the volume of voices in my mind and heart. I need to be able to hear him in a way I can trust it and step out on it and not think its just me. I need it to be loud and clear so I can have some confidence in it. I need a sign. Cassandra
Please - step back - slow down a minute - take a deep breath. Let's think this through.
FIRST - please don't put yourself down because of whatever education you have received or not received. This is not all about education. You are CALLED. Period. This is not all about a degree. You have experience in the ministry field which is way, way, way more important. My dh hired a guy who came from an A/G bible college and had a 4.0 yet the guy was a clueless idiot when it came to ministry. Please realize - God works through people who don't have all these degrees after their name. HE USES YOU. He will CONTINUE to use you. Yes, I know you want to finish your education. There's nothing wrong with that. But in the meantime please do not put yourself down or feel that you are not up to par.
SECOND - you sound very depressed. And your comment about going on to heaven really concerns me. One thing is for sure, you are tired (overly tired), you are dealing with the residue of hurts from your previous ministry situation (boy have I ever been there, done that!), and you are dealing with frustrations in your current situation. First things first. You must take care of you. I want you to stop worrying about everyone else around you for the next day or two and let Barak know, you need some time. I know you don't have the finances to go away. Okay, so here's what you do. Let him know, you need some extra sleep in these next few days. Ask him to help you. If he needs to have someone else let him know the importance of this, let him read this post right now. Take some time to get some extra sleep. Take a walk. Then, call someone you are comfortable (in ministry) talking to. You are welcome to call me, by all means but I am not pushing myself on you. You need to share with who you are comfortable with. There are some things that just need to pour out of you. You can't bring the freshness in that God wants to bring in until you get all that residue of the past hurt out of there. I have been through this before, I know. I came into a wonderful church to pastor, but with many hurts from how we had been treated in the past. So here I was, pastoring a great new church but going, "okay God, help me to shovel all this hurt out at the same time I'm starting this wonderful new life..." Sometimes we "heal on the go." I guess that is scriptural in a way because the Bible says of some that they were "healed as they went."
THIRD - your current ministry situation is not conducive as it is. Whoever the "powers that be" are have tied your hands in saying that you should not be involved. Your husband is the Sr. Pastor - why isn't he making these decisions? I do not understand the authority structure of your church. You need to be involved to the degree that you and Barak want you to be. That is ridiculous that you are not able to help in the administrative/office things. I can understand why you feel the way you do. Here you have waited for a situation where you can be his partner, and now someone is telling you to take a back seat. That should not be. How does Barak feel about it? If you are not going to stay there and you do not want to get involved, that's one thing but if you desire to be, then you need to go for it.
Just my 2 cents on all these things, but the main thing is, please take care of yourself. You are not in position to do the things God has called you to do if you are run down. I have been in many situations where I can't afford a vacation or even an overnight, but at those times, you must somehow structure things to make your home that haven of rest that you need right now.
Don't concentrate on what you DON'T have to offer, and concentrate on what you DO have. Do you think the apostle Peter had a degree? He was a fisherman...doesn't take much education to do that. And yet he was used mightily by God!
I have really been feeling the "inferiority" lately at my day job, with the influx of new adjunct faculty that I am an administrative assistant to. Many of them are my age and younger, either possessing or working on Master's Degrees. I sometimes feel like, 'Here I am, a licensed pastor, and I'm sitting here typing and filing for a bunch of kids!' The clincher was that two of these faculty members started at Bethel College (where I went to school) the semester I graduated. I have honestly felt, especially in light of the recent attacks on my ministry and finances, the attitude of "why bother?". I was planning to be a literary agent and professional editor and writer. I could be making so much $$ - I would have a title, prestige, respect - and probably would be in or finished with grad school by this point. By the world's standards, I made a stupid move!
But then I remember what my life was like for the few years after college when I wasn't doing any ministry. I remember the emptiness, like I was supposed to be doing something, and I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I remember the excitement on June 13, 2001 (I remember the date because I recorded it in my prayer journal) when I called my husband at work and told him, "God is telling me that something huge is going down, and that we're going to be part of it. Our lives are about to change drastically." At the same time, a tiny little church west of Minneapolis was hiring a young, enthusiastic senior pastor with a vision unlike anyone there had ever seen. Another church was letting go of a youth pastor full of the fire of God, because they just couldn't handle it. Within the next two years, He brought us all together "for such a time as this."
I remember when it all finally clicked - the words of prophecy over me and my DH, the urgency to start volunteering with the kids at my church again, the "big picture" vision I starting getting, even though I wasn't really in charge there. And finally, the Children's Ministry chapel here at NCU where the closing song was "Better is One Day in Your Courts," and God tapped me on the shoulder and said, 'Are you finally going to say yes?'
I know that everything in my life that has brought me to this moment has been ordained by God. When I am discouraged (like today - perhaps this is why I am writing it all out to you ), I know that I have the calling and promise of God to cling to.
Take Deanna's advice...get some rest...take care of you...if you're a coffee drinker, get a "floofy" coffee drink from Caribou (if not, I highly recommend Celestial Seasonings' peppermint herbal tea!)...take a bubble bath...give yourself a manicure/pedicure and read a shallow fashion magazine or two (one of my guilty pleasures - gives you a lot of great ideas for when you and your husband are alone together, too )...
But then think back and ask God to bring to your mind why you're doing it all in the first place. Your calling. Your purpose. Start speaking the promises in His Word, and lean on Him. Don't wallow in depression or worry (Pot, meet kettle - this is one of my biggest tendencies!); I can tell that you're a fighter like me, and you WILL get through this.
Oh gosh, shallow fashion mags...I thought I was the only one who had that as an occasional guilty pleasure. Extra bonus when I go get my hair cut or my nails done. I just go into another world reading for a while...
And get some great ideas for the bedroom too......as you mention, Puppetmaster.
Okay, I guess we're coming out of the closet on this issue.
THe authority structure is the ex pastor wanted out of this church. He wanted to resign. But they had just built this new building. They have signed all the assets and stuff over to Destiny ministry and he's out. He is still in the ministry but not pastoring this church. He is free to do whatever now. SO the director of Destiny is gone 45 weekends a month. So he has ten people that have called this church home for twenty plus years. They still want a church. SO he brought in dh to pastor. Our church is the campus church of Destiny Ministries. We committed to a year to try out as Pastors. But it ultimately will always be Destiny's church, not ours. See?
I am very depressed. I am contacting my doctor tonight or in the am and getting some Welbutrin or something. I know this is biger than me. Its not all 100% spiritual either. I have not been this down since I had post partum and I recognize it and I am called my best friend and wept and she (she's basically a nurse) said yeah your hormones are off wack (they had been wanting to test them before I moved) so she said I need something to help ppick me up and give me my fight back. I didnt realize all the symptoms I have had for the past two years. Not just the past two weeks. But this move and all has maxed me out. I need help and I am getting it. I told dh I hope he wouldnt be mad but I have to do this and he hugged me and cried and said he was fine with it and knew it was the best thing for me to do. I do feel embarrassed. I should have faith and all but i dont. I am low and I cant feel God and I thought it was because I am so hard hearted or something but I think it is more than that. SO pray this helps.
We fought today like we hadnt in so long and I dont want dh to feel like its me or the ministry. But i know it means so much to him that I feel he would resent me if I did need him to pull back (though I dont, we'll make it) That was hard to say to him but the moment was right and I had to be honest. SO thats where I am this evening. I feel the PMS raging. I have been spotting for 6 weeks. I am having night sweats and freezing spells. SO it has to be not just me...If I thought I was as screwed up as I feel I'd be bummed.
ONe thing that has had me miffed is dh scolding me (he tried to be gentle) for not dressing nice when I go out in public. ANd becuase I was not wearing makeup until he found out I was almost out and didnt want to ask for $ we didnt have becuase I can only wear an expensive brand. I am allergic to others. My self esteem is bottomed out. I have been made to feel like to be excellent I have to dress perfect, be skinny and alway sbe chipper. I have to be perfect. You may say excellent but I hear perfect. SO instead I do nothing. I am an all or nothing person and just need help. So keep me in prayer. THat GOd will heal my emotions and spirit and lift me up and rebuild me.
I agree with your friend and please don't feel one iota bad about going on that medication. You're right this sounds like a combo of spiritual & physical. A double whammy. DO WHAT IT TAKES TO GET YOUR FIGHT BACK!
Is Destiny a denomination, or what? What exactly are they? What exactly do they give you authority to do in pastoring the church? Just trying to understand. What do you mean "campus church"?
I just want to give you a big hug right now. (((((((((((( Cassandra)))))))))))
As always, PD & PM have given some great advice.
All I want to add is that you are first & foremost a child of God. In the awesome responsibility of life, we get so caught up in our various roles: wife, mother, pw, counselor, domestic engineer, etc.
Somehow, we tend to forget that first & foremost we are children of God. All the promises of God are for you. He has promised peace that passes all understanding. He has promised to never leave you nor forsake you. He has promised to be your strong tower, to hold you tight in His powerful right hand.
Too long of a story to get to here, but God gave me a picture of what He means by "Be still & know that I am God." When my middle child was just a couple of weeks old, he was crying in the middle of the night. I picked him up, held him close, and was whispering in his ear, "Shhh, its ok. You don't have to cry. You don't have to be in pain & sorrow. Mommy's here. Mommy's going to take care of you. Shhh. Mommy's here. Let me take care of you."
And God spoke in those wee hours.... "Tracy, that's what I've been telling you for over a year. Shh. I'm here. I'm your Father. Shh. Be still. Let me hold you close. I'm going to take care of you. I'm going to meet your need."
You are not alone. God is with you. He is there, your Father, with His arms open, prepared to give you all that you need.
You are not alone. I would say that we have all been where you are at ... possibly all very recently. I dream of being "normal," but I have no idea what "normal" is outside of ministry. It sounds good some days just to go & sit on the back row of the church, say my amens, enjoy Praise & Worship, etc. I did that for a few months. I had to go through a healing process after my last church, but God healed the hurts & prepared me to go back. I dare say that in ministry, there comes a point when all of us need to take time off & just be ministered to instead of doing the ministry. I know it doesn't sound like the "PW thing to do," but perhaps miss 2 or 3 services from your own church, go to another church in your community or a neighboring community, and go sit on the pew & allow God just to minister to you. Your church will still be there when you get back.
I think the meds is a great idea. Just make sure that you are not pregnant. I've heard all kinds of things happening when a woman is pregnant. And female hormones, pregnant or not, can do a lot to mess up a woman. After the first couple of thousand of years in heaven, praising the Lord, etc., I plan to pull Eve aside & say "Girl, what were you thinking?? Your one bite sure did cause womanhood a whole lot of pain & sorrow."
Cassandra, we love you & are praying for you. Most importantly, remember God loves you.
Ok. Just got off the phone with my md. SHe has me on 150 mg of Wellbutrin. May go to 300 mg or Prozac if I need something stronger. That made me swallow hard. But I am going to think about me here and not what others will thihnk. That is what has me in this shape. Always doing what is better for others instead of me. There has to be some balance to considering your brother before yourself. ANd I am going to find it.
Talked to Ashton teacher and she said to let Ashton tough it out and dont pul her out to home school. SHe will adjust and is on a 3rd grade level (she is in 2nd) so I was glad to hear that. Its is just hard to be tough on her when I know it is hard to move. I had to do it when I was young. BUt I made it fine and she will too. GOd wont let my kid be destroyed over something I did in obedience to him (atleast I pray she wont be hurt)
Destiny is not a denomination. It is a para church organization. Coaching, leadership training, ect... Campus church is like there are enough people here in the organization and in our area that want to have church in the conference room facility to have church, so they have a churhc. Kind of like Kenneth Copeland or Jesse Duplantis. THey both have staff and people that are involved in the ministry to the point that they hired a pastor to pastor a churhc on the property, though Kenneth or Jesse are not the pastors. THeya re evangelist. Problem is my husband is an evangelist and he is longing for the road so I imagine he will go on the road and Dr. Brassfield will slow down some and let Barak go in his stead. And that would be great.
I am going to start attending First Baptist here in our city on Wednesday nights so dd's can make friends. it will also give me an opportunity to be normal and just be a participant and not the leader. Dh said the AG's here were too much of our "competition" and even the other baptsit church here. I was like ok. I see his point but I think it is sad that pastors have to feel that way about each other. What if we ever saw the day we have to share a building? Just venting sorry.
Well, gotta get to house cleaning. Maybe after 4 cups of coffee I will feel like doing it. I am so draggy and just feel pooped. My md said she is concerned about my bleeding too. She thinks I could be having some problems with that cyst againa nd wants em to come home as soon as I can and have it checked out. I will also maybe get some assistance with the cost of my meds so that is good too. Here goes to taking care of me. (That is hard when you already feel so selfish)
Sounds like you are on target in taking care of you. Take the meds and don't feel at all bad about it. and make sure you are diligent to take them on time and regularly.
I think the teacher is on target too. All kids have a hard time adjusting in the begining. Each time we moved my kids initially had a hard time, but then they settle in. As long as she is not in physical danger and dealing with bullies or something (in which case, promptly pull her out) then with other things, she will adjust.
I think your idea of going somewhere else to be ministered to once a week is great too. I hear you about the competition thing...it's sad, very sad.
I just wanted to tell you that I'm praying for you and am glad that you are taking steps to take care of yourself. I truly believe that the best way to show others we love them is by taking care of ourselves. It's so hard to keep giving when you feel depleted. You are very wise to take the necessary steps to help you get back on track, using the medication. Sometimes we need to do this, especially as women. You are not being selfish at all.
I know this is very difficult for you right now, but you are so precious to God, just take every day, one day at a time and see yourself as God sees you - which is beautiful...gifted...and all that is good because of Christ.
), I know that I have the calling and promise of God to cling to.
)...
You are not being selfish at all. 
