Has a woman told your husband that she is attracted to him while he was serving in the ministerial role? (Due to the nature of the situation, I’m not going to give a lot of specific details.)
Last week, dh was ministering in some capacity to a husband & wife (but not in a confidential counseling situation.) Due to the situation, dh was w/ the wife in a public place for a prolonged period of time. Of course, they talked about various things.
A couple of days later, this lady tells MY dh over the phone that she is attracted to him. Dh tells her that he is committed to me, that he values his family & his ministry, etc. He told her that he could give her books for her & her husband, could counsel them, etc. She then asks him NOT to tell me that she is attracted to him – and he didn’t, at least not for several days. Dh did tell some pastoral friends & a couple of church leaders for accountability purposes. Dh said that if he told me, he was afraid that I would treat this woman differently & that she needs a friend & would like for me to reach out to her. But after going to a pastoral partnering meeting & all of the pastor’s saying that he needed to tell me, he did.
At first, I was just shocked. Then I just got mad. There have been a couple of times since then when she has called dh’s cell phone & I’ve answered. I screened the calls & did not let her talk to dh – there was no real reason to do so.
This morning after church, I really got upset. She talked w/ him again. She thanked him for not taking advantage of the situation because she “would have gone w/ him.” So, she was telling MY HUSBAND that she would have gone & had sex w/ him!!! I can’t help but think that this was her way of telling him again “hey, if want to go & do it, I’m willing.” She asked him if he had been attracted to her & he said “no, I only have eyes for my wife, etc…”
So, am I treating her differently? YES!! She was willing to have an affair w/ my husband! How am I supposed to act? I want to go up to her & say “Lady, he is MY husband so KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF OF HIM before I slap you silly!” But I’m not even supposed to know about this.
Please, please, please, give me some advice. I’m learning to deal w/ the C.A. It’s hard, but I’m doing it. This is a completely different situation. What do I do? Dh is doing the all of the right things, making himself accountable, limiting contact, etc. But what about me? I just can’t treat her the same way, at least not right now.
As always, I am so thankful that I can come to you ladies for advice. You are all truly a Godsend.
This is not my serious advice. I dont know wat I would do except have alot of repenting to do by the time I got done. So I would not be a good one for Godly counsel here but I know you need to get Deanna to post her story about threatening to break a woman's legs. It's great! In the mean time I will seriously be thinking about what you could do and praying for you.
You cannot play around with this kind of thing. First you mention your dh is "limiting contact". I do not believe there should be any contact, and I think most ministers would tell him that. I do not believe that your dh nor you are the ones to counsel this woman. She would not receive counsel from you, as you are the wife of the man she made a move on. You would not be able to counsel her unbiased, due to her actions. You definitely need to refer this woman to a professional Christian therapist. She does not want you to know, because that would blow her cover and she will not feel comfortable attending the church because you will always have an eye on her and then she won't be able to carry on this charade. The game is over once you know. That's why she is so afraid of it.
Since your dh has already asked you not to approach her, I would not if he says not to, however I would let him know you do not feel comfortable counseling her, nor "befriending" her. She ruined the chance of that when she made a move on your Dh. What kind of "friendship" could you possibly have? It's dangerous to be a friend to parishoners anyway (you have to be sooooooooooo careful if at all) however in her case she's definitely not an appropriate choice. You are her leader - period. This is all you can ever be to her, if she stays in that church. Which, if she leaves, please don't dismay, there is nothing lost.
Your dh may wonder what will happen to her spiritually if she leaves. That is not your concern. She has obviously heard the Word. She knows the truth. It's not like she has never heard the gospel. However, for an on-going pastor-parishoner relationship she has really jeopardized the chance of that, with you all. She needs a fresh start and hopefully she won't mess it up the next time around with the next pastor. Obviously this woman has some deep issues.
Your dh has asked you not to approach her, therefore you can't really go up to her and tell her like it is (at least yet), however don't tolerate these actions. I don't believe God expects that of you. The marriage bond is sacred. The bible says not to let anything interfere with it. I do believe that God has given us a natural instinct to protect our families. There have been several women who have made a move on dh, both subtly and overtly. With one woman I calmly went up to her before service and said, "If you need any ministry in the church from here on out, see myself or one of the other ladies. Do not approach my husband, or I will break both your legs. Now...enjoy the rest of the service." And I walked away. She was scared out of her mind...never said a word to him again. But in several weeks she left the church. That was many years ago. My dh was soooooooooooooo upset when I said that to her although he didn't have any attraction to her he was shocked that I did it! But I'd do it again. The brazen-ness of such a woman must be addressed. In the case of the woman I speak of, she had repeatedly tried to make a move on him, overtly. Finally that Sunday when he was walking down the hall, she pushed him in his office (caught him unaware as he was in the hallway), and tried to flick off his office light and shut the door. He didn't allow it and told me immediately. She was a nut case, and I dealt with her promptly. I'd do it again in a heartbeat.
This woman has no idea what she's bringing upon herself in the spirit realm...she is on extremely dangerous territory whether you do anything to her or not.
Thank you for the heads up that you privately messaged me. When I checked it, I discovered that I have received several private messages from board users over the past few months...and I didn't know they were there! In my busy-ness I did not notice that there were messages waiting for me.
For those who have messaged me and I have not responded - now you know why! I did not know the messages were there. Ughhh!!!
Trace, I will get back to you privately. Thanks...
Well, I've been practicing my "I'm gonna break your legs" speech or as my mother suggested "I'm going to claw your eyes out."
This lady is continuing her stuff. She trapped dh into talking w/ her last night, but it was in the sanctuary of the church & there were others in there. During this conversation, she told dh that she was in love w/ him. He again told her that he had no feelings for her than that of a pastor.
Then, she asked, "If something happened to Tracy & something happened to my husband, could we be together?" Can you believe that? This woman is starting to scare me. Maybe she wants to do more to me than break my legs. Dh told her that they would not be together.
Dh is starting to wise up, but I just don't think that he gets it. He just doesn't understand the way a woman's mind works. I'm a woman, & I can't understand this...
Anyway, I've about lost it several times. I called our district supt.'s wife this a.m. & spoke to her about the situation. She gave me some good Godly counsel. (Deanna, she said a lot of the same things that you did.) She told me that I could be angry & just not sin. I am trying to figure out what would be sin. Do you think God would frown on me clawing her eyes out?
I told dh that the Supt's wife said that the family may need to leave the church. Dh didn't really want to hear that ... He said that "I'm trying to keep people in the church & now I have to ask some to leave...." I can understand where he is coming from. He also said that he doesn't want to do anything that looks like he is compromising our marriage & I really appreciate that. He has done what he can to protect himself. He is no longer accepting phone calls from this woman. Should she call his cell, he has talked to a very Godly lady about returning the calls for him. He isn't going to visit, etc.
So, please continue to keep us in your prayer.
Thank you all so much.
Special thanks Deanna for your Godly counsel. I appreciate your support.
Wow, this woman is a full blown nut case. I truly think she may have the same type of mental problems as the woman in Fatal Attraction, you know...perhaps she's a Borderline Personality? Not to say that something demonic is definitely not at work here, but I also believe she probably has severe mental problems. People can "look" totally normal and have those issues. Believe me, I dealt with someone in the church years ago who was manic and from the outside looking in everybody just thought they were this put together "professional" type person but behind the scenes they were trying to kill me, basically.
Take EVERY PRECAUTION YOU CAN with this woman. OVER DO it. Don't think you are crazy for being extremely cautious. If you get a "feeling" that she's at your home and you aren't there, trust your gut instinct...go. If you have an impression (it very well may be from the Holy Spirit) that she's trying to corner your dh in the church office and meanwhile you are in the fellowship hall, then head over there. BE LED BY THE SPIRIT IN THIS. You are not crazy. The Lord is going to give you heads up on things, so make sure you are listening.
This family is going to have to leave the church, I will tell you right now. There is no way they are going to receive ministry from you after this -- they will not receive it from dh because he has re-buffed her attempts to have an affair. They will not receive it from you because they are jealous as all get out of you and wish you weren't there. I mean, hello...she's talking about what if you and her spouse were dead. THIS WOMAN NEEDS HELP.
But - you are not the one to give it. Don't give a moment's thought to wondering if you are supposed to counsel her. You are not.
I also encourage you to call the Emerge Helpline. It's for A/G ministers and their spouses. And it's provided free for all of us who are A/G. The counselors are excellent. You can call toll free...and talk to them as many times as you need to. The number is on the back of your husband's A/G ministers card but if for some reason you don't have that, e-mail me and I'll send you the number from my card. PLEASE CALL THEM. You did a great thing in calling your Supt's wife. I think Emerge would be a great asset to you too.
Don't hesitate to vent to us as much as you need to. We're all here for you. One last thing. DO NOT BE INTIMIDATED BY THIS WOMAN. Rise up and take your rightful place. You are the first lady of that church, the partner to the man of God -- do not allow her to make you shrink down in your seat or shake in your boots. The biggest thing you can do right now besides prayer to break this thing is, RISE UP VERY STRONGLY AS YOUR HUSBAND'S PARTNER. Sit with him. Hold hands with him. Ask him to think about having you do part of the service this week such as take the offering or pray. Do something "visible". This will send a statement that you are a partnership. Stand beside him after church as you greet people. Ask your dh to slip a few illustrations into his sermons the next few weeks where he says, "Trace and I do this..." or "The other day when Trace and I were talking..." Begin to take an even more visible role in the church. Do these things and I would bet my best pair of sandals on it - she's out the door in a month's time.
I thought the exact same thing as Deanna when I read your most recent post Trace. This woman definitely has psychological issues as well as spiritual issues that she needs to seek help for. Please heed Deanna and your Supt.'s wife wise counsel.
Deanna thank you for the godly counsel that you gave Trace. Unfortunately many, if not all of us have been or will be in a similar situation or we will have a close PW friend who is in a similar situation. I am definitely filing this on away for future benefit.
Trace I will be praying for you and dh and your church. The devil is not going to rise to the spotlight after such a great meeting that you all just had. He is mad and so he is throwing his best shots. He is already defeated.
Greetings! I thought I would reply to "What if another woman....". I'll have to read all your comments when I have time. There's a new book called Hedges by a minister Jerry Kirk (you can get it through Focus on The Family). He spoke at General Council too. AG enrichment journal Fall 2004-05 covers ministry ethics when it comes to matters as such. I definately believe all couples need boundaries re: the opposite sex, modern technology like chat rooms, cyber porn, etc.
In my early years of marriage, His Needs Her Needs (building an affair-proof marriage) was very informative. The bottom line is to keep your marriage strong: date nights, conversation, trips away, and having a deliberate plan that models God's design for marriage in front of your congregation. Now ,at mid-life, I am reading again because I know it is a sensitive time in life. It's easy to get so busy that you "blindly" trust but slow down! Marriage is to be held in honor among all and the marriage bed keep pure!
I've never personally had to deal with anyone flirting or coming on to my husband. However, I have had men do this to me. Even a business owner who kept saying inappropriate things at each of my visits. I am not one to directly tell someone when they are doing wrong. I didn't know how to handle this. I spoke to the person in my church who told me to go to that business...well....she went to his face and told him! She said, "How dare you do that to my PW! What are you thinking ? (He's a Christian and married too. He knew I was a PW) It scared him so bad, he called the church and parsonage to apologize. Sometimes, it takes direct confrontation to stop the behavior! You may not always get the person to repent or admit their sin but because you held them accountable, the unacceptable behavior will usually stop.
