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cassandra


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Venting and GOssip
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I have strong reason to believe that some of the venting I did to a lady who was like my second mom at our other church (the one we just moved from) was telling pastor some of the things I would tell her about him. They were common associate pastor frustrations ... all the hours dh was having to work, feeling alone , just common stuff I'm sure. And the uncommon one of my frustration with his attitude toward women and their "place" He never came out and said it but you KNOW its there. I sense it in his son too. And the childrens pastor. Its old school UPC (no offense to anyone who may be in it) but you can just tell men are supperior and now I am wondering if the reason he always acted so cold to me was the fact she was telling him what Isaid. My bf (this woman has been like a mom to her too) said this lady was going to pastor about her and didnt come to her first and they had some hard words over it and made up but she's still hurt and I asked if she thought she was saying things I said and my bf friend said its 99% likely. She wouldnt say why but has her suspicions. I never voiced any of my frustrations to bf (still havent) but thought I could trust this other lady. I want to put all those frustrastions and hurts behind me and work in my new field and with my dh and be happy. Why cant I let this go? How do I forgive former pastor for excluding me and thinking less of me becuase I am a woman? ONe example - we had maybe 5 conversations ever. Serious. He never spoke to me unless it was "have you seen Barak? well, tell him to call me. click." THat was it. But when he would speak , well let me give a clear example...one night he and barak stayed out late. like 1 am late. ministering but late. I waited on barak for a little loving. Well next mornign I said to pastor" I heard you guys really had a break thru with so and so that s awesome " (trying to have some sort of spiritual conversation) He said "yeah and I heard you stayed up and waited onBarak. then the wink He said that's a good woman" and walked off. I was mad! I told Barak not to ever say things about that to him again. I know men talk about it too but htat bothered me. It was always some remark about me and Barka in a sexual way. And I strongly feel it was his way of making me feel in my "place" and intimidated. I told Barak about that the other day and how it bothered me. He said it made sense to him but then told me I was going to have to let it go. Then another ministers wife sat in our home and vented to Barka nbout pastors attitude and said "barak what can I do I am just a woman. He has a problem with that" and Barak looked at me and I said "see I aint the only one. I told you" Again he said for me to let it go and of course this lady is as strong as coffee she knows how to handle pastor. But how do I let it go? I will pray and forgive him but then it will come up agian. THat whole spirit just ticks me off! I just want to work with DH in ministry. I dont want to have to defend myself or PROVE myself to him or anyone! Has anyone else dealt with this.


I know I have rambled but you needed some background. I put up with it almost 5 years. Its hard to just let it go knowing I wasted all that time. I thought it was something I did and then to see it for waht it is, its alittle hard to let go. I am even dreaming of telling him off so I know its an issue.


Praise GOd for this though. Dh and I are going to be enrolled in an eccredited Bible COllege and do modular courses to get our degree! I am so excited about that. The man  who is our covering now (destiny ministries is a coaching, leadership, ordaining ministry) wants to put us both thru it. I love his attitude. He understands the way God meant the church and both genders to function.  Anyway. Just needed to vent.


Thanks


Cassandra



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PastorTara


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Cassandra,


Who is the head of Destiny Minsitries that you mentioned? Is it Tony Miller?


PT



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puppetmaster


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I understand, Cassandra!  In the ministry, we have to be so careful about who we share things with!! I sometimes feel guilty because I have my core group of close friends that I share everything with, and sometimes feel like we come across as "cliquey."  But it's not that we don't include others - we're always inviting other people to come and have lunch, etc. with us...we just don't share important things or struggles with just anyone!


DH and I learned the hard way about confiding in others in our last church...he had confided in a friend about some of his struggles, and this friend basically railroaded him into talking to the pastor, and then this friend (who was on the board; is now the associate pastor of that church!) felt that he could go and discuss it with the senior pastor whenever he wanted to. 


Everyone - especially those of us in the ministry - needs a "safety zone."  Not a place to run and gossip; but a place where you can go to talk with others who understand, who are going to lift you up and be there for you.  Like yesterday...my DH was in a meeting with CA, along with our pastor and his wife, discussing some of the problems that have been taking place, and straightening out some authority issues (i.e. the SP has the authority; the church treasurer does not!).  My best friend said to me, "Hey, why don't we just go back to my place and he can meet us there when he's done?" I was on "PK watching duty," so I couldn't leave, and she and her husband (and our other friend who was along for the ride ) said, "Well, then, we're staying, too.  You're not going to sit here all by yourself and drive yourself crazy thinking about what's going on in that meeting."


Those are the kinds of friends who are "keepers."  Someone who pretends to listen and then "shares" your frustrations with the very people who are the source of them is not!



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cassandra


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No the head od Destiny Ministries is Dr. Philip Brassfield. Its website is www.destinyvisioncenter.com  Its one of the best things God has done for us so far. Its some of the best ministry friends we have made and resources and help. THat's how we wound up in this church. A pastor was ready to give it up, called Destiny, and they plugged us into it and bought the building as their new headquarters and we are the new growing campus church. Kind of like Eagle mOuntain church is to Kenneth Copeland.


I just wonder if I should just ask this lady if she passed nay of my comments along or should I just let it go? Becuase everything I said I meant and its not like I'd go to pastor and apologize since 1) we arent there anymore and 2) I think he was too hard and dominating and male shovinast (cant spell) and 3) I was venting to her real concerns not gossipping. I never told another soul my frustrations. So if I am not going to apologize for my feelings should I jsut let it go and not tell her anything else like that? I just hate having it in the back of mind that she cant be trusted after all and feel hard toward her now too. But if she didnt say anything and he just had problems toward me out of the blue then I false accused her and well. I shoudl probably let it go and just forgive and forget and never do that again. I'll be glad when dh is back to run this by. He is always so good at making me feel better.  


Cassandra


 



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Deanna


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I believe it was unwise to share with a church member (these are the kinds of things you share with other pastors/spouses, people like us, people outside the church) but...you can't cry over spilled milk.  At this point, just MOVE ON.  You have left there.  Don't live back in that mess.


As far as your frustration at the former pastor's feelings.  He is what he is.  You aren't going to change that.  If he's a chauvenist then that's his downfall and he'll have to answer for that.  You will never change him.  (Ugh, his poor wife!)  LET IT GO.  Rejoice that you are set free to pastor your new church!!!!!  Don't let him steal and rob more from you than he already tried to do for those years. 


Love you,


me



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cassandra


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She wasnt jsut a church member . She is the associates pw. That's why I (over time) deemed her capable of handing those kind of conversations. I hope she didnt share things verbatum but just the point of things i said but either way your right Its better forgotten.


Cassandra



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Deanna


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Oh wow.  Okay, I definitely misunderstood that one.  Well, unfortunately you learned she was not a mature woman of God.  But you're right...move on, you're on to bigger and better things not just in ministry but in your personal relationships.  With friends like her, you don't need enemies.  You did yourself a favor by unloading this woman from your list of friends.

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LadyT


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I agree with Deanna.  Move on!  There is nothing you can do to change what happened in the past. Just learn from the experience, which I think you have and go on. If you feel like telling him off, then you are still hurt or angry over his treatment of you. Ask God to help you release the ill feelings that you have for your former pastor.


T



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