Just another quick question? Totally non spiritual! But does any other than me have a dh, whom you love terribly, but he has such a strong sex drive that sometimes you just want a break and look forward to his trips out of town or wish he'd take one? haha I 'm tired of fighting about it and trying to convince dh that its nothing personal I am jsut tired and dont need it like he does and just want some quiet time to myself. But he feels rejected no matter what I say and I just get kind of tired of walking on eggshells about this subject and giving him his way...he's wearing me out! haha He's soon to be 31 will he out grow it!?
I can identify with this situation too. I'm 42 and dh is 43. He has put his drive on hold because of my being tired. But I still feel sooo guilty of feeling like I"m depriving him. His mom did the same as far as denying his dad - but more vindictive and manipulative - that he looked elsewhere. Now I have two mother-in-laws and dh has a little sister. But - that happend like 20 or more years ago. But that thought is in the back of my mind. I totally trust dh --I just don't want to be the cause of anything. I've told dh that I don't mind "getting together" or whatever -0 but I may not always be on fire or extremely active. Something that has seriously helped was I started taking vitimins again and Ginsing for energy. I went back to work - which made me tired too. Anyway- maybe that will help.
Cassandra: Are you sure you haven't been eavesdropping at my house? That is our number one fight. After fighting w/ the kids, doing church stuff, just making it through the day, who has the energy? HE DOES!! He suffers from bad migraines, & even migraines cannot stop him. What do I want? Just like you said, time to myself.
Dh was looking over my shoulder while I was typing. He said his pastor buddies have talked about this, & they have the same complaints. So apparently, we are not alone.
Sorry I can't offer any advice. Just know that you are not alone.
This is the main topic of my book, "The Intimate Woman."
I believe that if you are too tired for it, you're too tired. You need to unload something else from your schedule. You say your dh has a high drive, but I am convinced underneath all of your many activities and responsibilities, you have a higher drive than you think! It's just buried underneath too many hats that you wear! I am convinced that healthy, whole, healed women love sex. Only many ARE too tired for it. It's not that they don't like sex, they are just too busy with other things. Sex gets pushed to the side because we have too many other things on our to-do list and many are things that must truly be done. A lot of ladies do not tell their husbands that they honestly like sex but they are just extremely tired with too much to do. I believe the answer is letting the husband know you would be more interested in sex if you were not so tired.
As for me personally I do differ a bit here. I am crazy about it and have a high drive, but I do get tired physically (not from sex, but from all the work I have to do.) You can't just leave things a total mess, and you have children to be cared for and such. That's just realistic. But too many women just go on taking care of all that and figure, "well, if something has to go, let it be sex." But we have to get out of that mode!!! So, I ask my dh for help and let him know that the more help I get, the more and more interested I will be. It seems to work very well for us.
I just can't believe any man would not help with dishes or fold laundry if you told him by doing so you would absolutely rock his world. I think a lot of ladies are just afraid to ask though, for some reason. We are not as verbal about our sex lives as we should be. I personally tell my dh exactly how I feel and what I am interested in...but I let him know it will not be possible without his help.
I do think that some women have a lower drive because of hormonal things or medications and in that case I think you need to definitely see a doctor and ask them to help you to do whatever it takes to at least have a normal drive. Again, a lot of women seem afraid to do that. But I think it's very important that we take care of it. If you can't talk to your doctor about this openly, it's time to get a new doctor. This very reason is why a lot of men feel pressured to seek another outlet. We have to be careful to meet the need.
All that said -- PLEASE ASK YOUR HUSBANDS TO HELP YOU!!!
The thing is dh gets it alot! And I am not exxagerating. We do it everyother day without fail. Two days is the max he has to go and that is just the end of the world for him. He loves for me to umm.. well you know...too. But I dont need to every other day. But you are right. I am more open to it when my mind isnt cluttered with other things or if I dont feel he's pressuring me. The minute I feel pressured, he hits the wall. I will not be used or forced. Because he has admitted to using me to fill a void he later believed to be a need for intimacy with the Lord but with his scedule and all, I was easier and all. That sounds harsh. He meant it sincere and not ugly at all. But back to the pressure...I just can go three or four days before I need to ...um...well you know. ANd have gone a week or so. It tends to creep into my dreams if I go too long. So I know I desire it. But he gives me no chance to see what my drive is! And he tends to throw my honey moon days up to me. I am like "yes I wanted everyday for the first year! We just started a new and wonderful thing! We didnt have kids and stuff either!" I cant comprehend what it is like to be driven by that physical need and he cant comprehend what it is like to NOT be. But does that help understand some? He nor I am deprived! I just think the big O for a woman twice a week is plenty and he's SETTLING for that. He wishes it was every time he did and I just cant. Every other day would have me slammed! THat is why I say I am so tired. Given too that it si never before 11, even on school noghts that we get to get in the bed. It has been better (less busy) since we have moved but like last noght. I just wanted to get to snuggle with a good book put my little one to bed and read and study and talk to the Lord. (My 7 year old is at church camp and I thought dh was going to be last night too) He changed his plans and (without communicating to me) thought if hed stay (since Ashton was gone) we'd have some fun. I never told him that. Not even close. So my mind was geared toward alone time. Well..he got his feelings hurt. I wound up changing my thoughts ( I literally have to do that) and it happened so I get my night off tonight but he doesnt understand my need to for alone time is like his need for sex. So he feels rejected. Or like a kid begging for it.
You know I think my hormones are off too so that probably doesnt help but I dont think I want to be as worked up as dh wishes I was. THere are other things to do. haha My weight hasnt helped me either. But dont you think every other day is enough? haha
This is also a very frequent topic in our household. We don't fight about it, but there is a lot of negotiating around this issue.
IMHO Deanna, I think that you may be one of the exceptions and not the rule. I agree with you that oftentimes we have too much on our plates, and that needs to change. Fatigue makes it hard to "get in the mood". But, in general, I think that men do have higher sex drives than women. I have done a lot of reading on this. I think that it is just the way they are wired.
I don't have a problem with sex. I think that it is great, but dh could have it every day, and there is no way I could do that. 2-3 times per week is plenty for me. Just my thoughts.
i have a question for you ladies. what about your dh is satifisfied with only having sex once per week or even week and half? should i be thankful? i believe i have a higher sex drive than my dh but i know that he truly loves me. only sometimes i feel more like his best friend. he's been to the doctor and the doctor says that his sex drive is in the lower range in the normal section. so sometimes i feel like there's something wrong with me for wanting...you know...2-3 times a week. honestly though, this has been the most difficult issue throughout our marriage, even more than money. i know i'm among the most uncommon, but is there anyone else facing sex in their marriage this way....please someone say yes
Welcome to the "higher sex drive than your spouse" club .
I'm in the same boat. Unfortunately, my DH was abused as a kid, and it really warped his outlook on sexuality. He's gotten counseling and received healing (which he has shared as part of his testimony on several occasions), but we're still working on making it more of a habit...he didn't realize until we'd been married for a couple of years that it had affected him to that extent, and at that point he began seeing a counselor.
One thing that we learned is that "normal" is whatever we make it, within the Biblical boundaries, of course. Don't fall into the trap of comparing your sex life to someone else's. There's nothing wrong with wanting it more often, or less often than your spouse. As long as you are honest with and respectful toward each other.
This is a HOT topic in my house too- not in a bad way- but I mean it is a HOT topic!!!
As a matter of fact, my dh has been preaching "It Shall be Full" and how God desires that every area of our life be "full" - and after church, he was talking with some of our spiritual sons and encouraged them to have "fullness" in their sex life... and he wasn't kidding.
I regularly talk to our ladies about keeping your man "HAPPY"- and communicating with your man so you too can be fulfilled sexually. We also talk openly about "liberty" in the bedroom- not in a weird, kinky way- but tastefully and romantically, spontaneously and creatively. There have been a couple of women who actually did not really enjoy sex and began to talk about why, well, come to find out, there WERE things they could do and use to begin to enjoy it. I'll never forget one lady, I saw her at church one Sunday morning and she was GRINNING big time and ran up to me raving about how her world had changed SO drastically by a simple recommendation!
My dh and I are pretty much in the mid to high drive, sometimes more high than mid . However, the biggest advice I can give is like PD said- talk to one another, communicate and if you make time for anything- MAKE TIME FOR INTIMACY WITH ONE ANOTHER! If you need a nap after dinner so you can "get it on" later- tell your dh- believe me, he WILL entertain the children, keep things quiet and wash dishes just at the mention of time with you!
PT, that's exactly what I was trying to say and you said it so marvelously well. I don't mean my remarks in a way at all that would make someone who doesn't seem to have as high a drive feel bad. But I simply believe that God has so much more for us!!! Yes, we must please our man but it goes so far beyond that in that He wants us to be full, as you mention.
See, I believe that like Cassandra said, when we first get married we want it all the time, and we do it all the time. Every day, sometimes more. But then things like work, kids, and hormones get in the way and we tend to let it stay there. Instead of going to the Dr.'s and saying, "something's wrong" we just assume, "well, I've changed..." so let's just adapt to that. Sometimes I see women expecting their husbands to adapt to the changes they are feeling (hormonal or otherwise) instead of doing what it takes to fix what is happening in order to have a greater desire.
God has ordained that we have two energy producing relationships in our lives - our relationship with Him, and with our spouse. All other relationships are ones that take from us, many times with no return. Our relationship with our spouse is meant to produce. That doesn't mean that we don't give - certainly we do. But we are meant to receive. Life & ministry is stressful. I believe sex is one of the greatest gifts God ever gave us to help us in life. I don't want anything getting in the way of it, for me. If for some reason I feel differently than I did when I got married, I think, "okay, what do we have to do to fix this?"
I do believe as has been mentioned - men to most often have a higher drive. But during parts of our lives, we can as well. My dh had a higher drive in our 20's, but now in our 30's, I'm probably the one with the greater drive. Because I was so attentive to him in his 20's, I have to say I'm really blessed now in that while he is not lacking in the drive department, sometimes I want to and he hasn't even approached me about it. When I ask him, he's always good to me.
Although I'm a huge believer in keeping your man happy, I think it's necessary for us as women to get beyond the mentality of just keeping our man happy to coming into, and living in the fullness that PT describes. God has so much more for us!
BTW, Puppetmaster and Revswife, you are not alone in your situation. Although I'm not in the situations you describe I know plenty of women who are. I would just encourage you, don't be embarrassed or shrink back from asking your dh for it. The Bible specifically says that it's as much a gift for you as it is for him. And Puppetmaster, I'm really glad to hear your Dh went to counseling. Many men would let pride stop them. You've really got a "keeper" there. :)
In answer to what Cassandra said, I think for most men, every other day is VERY normal. I don't think that's abnormal for any man, so your husband is definitely not weird. In their 20's, men are usually feeling the need to ejaculate every 24 hours...in their 30's and above, it decreases to about once every 48 hours but not much beyond that. It's just a fact. I tell my ladies, "please realize, this will not hurt you to do it that much - the body is made for this function!" Some of them complain that they will get sore and to that I remind them, that's what KY is for.
Ladies, I don't write my thoughts, my 2% as PT calls it, as anything but encouragement to you. I am just passionate about the fact that God wants us women to be free.........completely fulfilled women!
Good point about the KY jelly. There are some newer versions of this that are pretty cool or warm that is. :) Anyway- another option we might consider is we can also help out husbands with relief if we are "unable to perform our wifely duty" Nothing wrong with this at all either. Also - if you don't feel too great about your personal looks - just get out there and do something about it. I'm trying to get in the habit of riding my back everyday a couple of miles and doing 100 crunches for my belly. I got tired of having a pouchy tummy. I don't think dh minds it - and knows it's after effects of childbirth - but I want to feel good about myself too. we all do
Many younger women feel silly using it because they feel like they "shouldn't" need it until they are post-menopausal, but who really cares? If sex is uncomfortable for you, or if it makes you sore, there could be many reasons other than your own sex drive.
I used to joke that "every time was like the first time," because sex was slightly painful for me each time, even after we'd been married awhile. My doctor found out about two years after I was married that my pelvis and cervix are tilted at a slight angle. Nothing major; I'll still be able to have kids someday (although she did say childbirth may be a bit more painful if I go the natural route!), but it does mean that I need a little bit of help...
Anyway, once I found that out about myself and learned to "overcompensate" with KY, I stopped dreading the initial "contact."
Between DH's counseling and healing, and my understanding of how my own body is shaped, let me tell you, it really DOES get better year after year .
Dh left for China today and wont be back until next Wednesday night. So I guess I will get to relax and read and go to bed with the girls early every night. It will be fun for the first few nights any way! haha Then the deprivation will kick in!!! LOL
I just thought of something: I'm going to be counseling at camp on our 7-year wedding anniversary ! YP and I are going together, so we can both lament our own "sexual sabbaticals" together...and send our DH's off together to see War of the Worlds because they both want to see it, and we don't think we could stomach 2 hours of Tom Cruise!!
. 
! YP and I are going together, so we can both lament our own "sexual sabbaticals" together...and send our DH's off together to see War of the Worlds because they both want to see it, and we don't think we could stomach 2 hours of Tom Cruise!!
