Bear with me, friends - I have nowhere else I can vent all this...
Okay, so first of all - my husband switched to the overnight shift last May, under the assumption that he would only be working FOUR shifts per week [10 hours each]. So far, this has happened only once. He's been working five overnight shifts per week - his nights off lately have been Saturday nights and Sunday nights, so that basically means we don't get much quality time together. For example, it's my day off today, and I'm sitting here typing while he's sleeping.
Second of all, all of our quality time is being swallowed up by the church, to the point where it is getting ridiculous. Christmas play...major remodel of our ministry space that kids' and youth ministry share [but with no youth pastor, and me being the only paid staff other than my senior pastors, the bulk of it falls to us. To me, really, because "the buck stops with me," even though my husband is really the most gifted and talented in this area - still, he's working insane hours at his job, so I don't really want to heap a lot of responsibility on him!].
Third of all, we haven't had a vacation in a year and a half. Mostly because he can't get the time off, but even if he could, we'd probably have to rush back and be there for Sunday, because my leaders never seem to be available to cover kids' church when I need them to.
Oh, and leaders - that's a joke! I'll be teaching preschool tomorrow for first service, because all my current leaders are either sick or having surgery this month [not their fault, obviously!] and I can't get a single person to step in and fill in for one stinkin' service. I have combed through my directory about five times, and there is literally no one. Which scares me, because if I have even one person step down, there is NO ONE left to recruit...
I am told that I need to "build relationships" so that I can "motivate leaders," but I am so busy picking up everyone's slack that I don't have time to build relationships so that I can recruit and motivate leaders.
Because of my husband's job, we are stuck here Thanksgiving weekend, with absolutely no one to enjoy the holiday with, because everyone here has their own families and their own little clique of friends, and since we are really neither of those to anyone here, we're on our own.
I am paid well here; my pastor is a decent boss [but really nothing else to me - he is more "old school" in his approach to staff, in that he keeps his distance from us on a personal level and we really don't have a relationship beyond an employer/employee relationship]; but I honestly don't know how much longer I can stand the loneliness and isolation of behing in this extremely "family driven" area when I have absolutely no family nearby.
I don't know how much longer we can stand this whole "working every second of the day, opposite schedules" thing - we are theoretically trying to have a baby, but the honest-to-God truth is that between work schedules [both of us], the flu [me], and just plain stress and frustration, I don't even remember the last time we had sex.
As if that weren't enough, I am trying to work through some spiritual abuse issues that have recently surfaced in my life - surprisingly not from the "church from hell" that I worked at before I came here, but from the one we attended before that. I am realizing that being in that borderline cultish environment really did a lot more damage than I thought. It's not as easy as "just pray and get over it." I wish it was, but it's not.
And I feel even more guilty because this was supposed to be the "promised land" that God led us into, and He really has blessed us beyond our wildest dreams here. I shouldn't be feeling this way, but I do. If I could afford it, I would just quit right now. As much as I am called to the ministry, I am afraid that my relationship with God and with my husband are in jeopardy, and those two things are more important to me than anything in the world. But it's a moot point, because we need both of our incomes and there is really nothing else available that I could do [on some of my "worse" days, I've checked!].
So I need to figure out how I can do this - but I don't want to just "survive." I want that abundant life and rest that God promised us. Is that an oxymoron for me?
If anyone is out there reading this, thanks for listening - it actually helped a little bit to get it all out in black and white...
Oh girl I totally understand where you are! My husband pastors and works outside the ministry, how he does it I have no idea. He does the over night shift as well, took it when he lost his last job at Christmas last year with the promise that he would be changed to the day shift. It will be a year Jan 2 and he still is not on the day shift. It does make it super hard to have quality time with him and for him and the kids...he has Friday and Sat. nights off. We are praying that things change as well. I understand what you are going through in so many ways when it comes to children's ministry and lack of helpers. The one I had stepped down. I have no helpers for CC or Wed nights now. It is very draining. Despite all that you are doing....schedule time and I mean write it on the calendar and make it a priority to spend time with your husband. I know its hard Sat nights are preparing for Sunday Am and if your church is like ours you may have a service on Sunday night. But if you give and give and give to the ministry you will have nothing left to give to your husband or the kids. Your husband needs to be first way before ministry. That is something I am learning and I have a house full of kids on top of it. My husband and I have been making breakfast dates...yea most of the time that means I am making him breakfast and not going out somewhere so that he can go straight to bed, before my day begins but it is a set time we have made that nothing gets in the way of a couple of days a week. I will be praying for you.
