Hey Cassandra!

I'm so excited for you about what the Lord may be opening up for you.  You'll do great.  Relax, and don't worry... as hard as it is!

I cannot sugar coat it for you...ministry is not always easy, you know that by now being an associate's wife, although things do get harder the more responsibility is given to you.  It is more difficult to be a spw, and as the bible says, "to whom much is given, much is required."  I do not feel it would be fair for me to tell you, "don't worry, it's smooth sailing," but like the others have told you, HIS GRACE IS SUFFICIENT.  You have an exciting, never boring adventure ahead of you!

Even with all of the stresses, burdens, expectations, etc. when you are called to ministry, you are not happier any other place.  There is no greater joy than serving God's people as the pastors of a church -- even in the hard times.  No matter how hot the fire gets (and it's gotten pretty hot in times past) we would not quit.  Because not fulfilling our calling would be worse for us than the fire.  There is nothing more miserable than being out of the will of God.  If you and your dh are called to pastor that church, you will never be fulfilled until you do.

You can be yourself and be a pw as a whole- however, to an extent with your people.  You can always be yourself with friends in the ministry, but you cannot let it hang out to everyone in the congregation.  It takes time to learn this balance and exactly how it works itself out.  Some pastors are closed, even to their friends in the ministry because perhaps they are prideful or competitive.  They are afraid of what other pastors will think of them.  I determined never to be that way.  I know I need friends, and I have to have a place to be completely 100% "out on the table" honest.  If those in ministry don't esteem me, or even grant any opportunities to me because I'm just flat out honest with them about my weaknesses, problems, etc. then so be it.  I guess I would just have to deal with the fact that if that was true I may never have their respect, get a ministry opportunity outside my church and my husband or myself may not be chosen for any special ministry in sectional/district work, etc.  Some pastors/pw's are very overly concerned about that and so they keep the "game face"  even with other ministers.  I made a decision a long time ago not to.  I have found most people in ministry find it refreshing.  The doors of ministry have basically flung open for Larry and I. 

With our pastor-friends, we are just who we are.  If things at the church are going well, I say so.  If people can't handle that (and are jealous of it or something) then they really aren't my friends anyway, so what does it matter?  If things at the church are going poorly, I say so.  I don't hesitate to ask for prayer.  If people think less of me when things are not going as well for us, then those people also aren't my friends.  I'm really not interested in developing relationships with people who would be bothered by either case.  As far as impressing people or having ministry opportunities, I find that if things don't come to me out of a genuinness, why would I want them anyway?  At this point in my life, I have a lot of opportunities to serve in various leadership roles outside my church, and also do quite a bit of speaking.  If that dried up tomorrow because I say I'm having a bad day to somebody in ministry, oh well then, I guess I'll go on to spend my time doing one of the other 1,546 things that are on my agenda.  If you really want to do a work for God, there will always be an opportunity.  Don't hesitate to develop close ministry friendships, and be honest.  Also, don't hesitate to develop a good, accountable relationship with your overseer (whoever that may be) in your network/denomination/ministry circle, etc. etc.  Use them as a resource.  Pursue leaders who are further down the road who will invest in you and give you a safe place in which to learn and grow.  You can't do that without being honest. 

With people in the church, we are who we are as much as we can be.  It's not that you are ever fake, it's just that your relationship with church people and even staff can only go so far.  I think as a minister's wife you pretty much know even at this point, you cannot have a fight out in the open with your dh or disclose all your problems, personal or church.  Familiarity breeds contempt.  I don't discuss personal nor church issues/problems with the people.  I discuss no personal issues with the staff.  We discuss a limited amount of church issues with our staff.  Most of the issues, we bear alone between ourselves, just Larry and I, or we share them with our other pastor-friends outside the church.  If something has been a more serious issue over the years we always talk to our presbyter, superintendent, or other leaders who can help us.  Never shut your overseer out or think you don't need them.  Develop a relationship with them from day one.  Some day you will probably really need their input and help.  If you have cultivated a relationship with them all along you will have the support you need when you get in a tight spot.  Larry and I have always been team players to the 'nth degree, so we have always had the support we have needed in this regard.  They say it's lonely at the top and that is many times a true statement, but to combat the loneliness you have to cultivate friends outside the church. 

I do social things with people in the church all the time, dinner, movies, shopping, going to the beach, etc.  I have as close a relationship with church people that I can possibly (safely) have.  But I do not lay my soul on the table with them.  I don't bare my burdens to them.  When I go on the platform at church, I'm there to be an agent of hope, not to lay my problems out to them.  When I'm at church, I do need to have my "game face" on and impart hope and life to those who are in attendance.  If I don't feel it myself, I ask God to give me the grace to do what I need to do at that moment.  That is not being fake - it's doing the ministry that God has entrusted to me.   I may go home, fall apart after the service and call a friend.  That's fine, but as they say, "there's a time and a place for everything."  My place to let it all out is not in the pulpit or really to any church member.

If I have an issue with my children I generally discuss it with my other pw friends.  If I discipline the kids while at the church, I take them out of the room, as does their father.  It's normal for kids to act up, and even the pastor's kids, of course.  They are just kids.  Now I have two teenage boys...we are not dealing with spanking or anything like that.  If they get an attitude on something, we just ask them to step out of the room and talk to us about it or we go to the office building.  I try to not deal with anything of a disciplinary nature with our kids in public.  They don't need to be under that kind of microscope.  Thankfully it's less of one now that we are not in a smaller or rural church.  But you have to guard them even more in a smaller church.  Don't allow people to put unfair expectations on them.  It's not easy being a pk.  With our 8 year old daughter, she is still in that little kid stage where at times she needs more correction, but we still try to take her aside out of the room or such.  You don't let them get away with murder, but you don't go off on them in front of the church people.  I know this takes time to learn.  I don't fake it like life is all rosy.  Sometimes I tell people that, "wow this raising teenagers thing is really hard!" or stuff like that, or I excuse myself for a few minutes to take them outside and deal with them.  But I do have to curtail myself from letting it rip on the kids right out in the open at the church.  It's hard sometimes!!!!!  You are right, I think it's an issue you grow in.  When I first started out it was much more difficult.  Don't be so hard on yourself, Cassandra.  You have time to grow into this.  Believe it or not, you don't have to be perfect!  Halleluia!

There's so much to all this...I hardly know where to start and it's so loaded.  And I'm sure many others have ideas besides all the good advice that has already been shared.  This is your journey.  It will be uniquely yours.  Follow God's leading more than anything.

We are all here for you and will help you, listen, pray for you.  Just remember, aside from being a woman of the Word and prayer, the thing you need most to succeed in ministry are other ministry friends to lean on. 

Take courage - you can do this, through His power.

Love you,

Deanna