I have to tell you the funniest thing that I heard all day. It was priceless!!
Today as part of my new position in leading women's ministries for this section of our district here in Tampa (section 9 they call it), I had an encouragement/empowerment luncheon for all of the A/G Women's Ministries leaders of our churches. It was really cool. Okay...............
We were all sharing what God is doing in our churches. It was awesome. One of the pastor's wives who is a dear friend here started sharing about how far her church has come since they began to pastor it. They have been here for a few years. The pastor before them was rather odd and actually preached from the pulpit that people should not use any form of birth control. I think he actually had 8 kids or something like that. Really, really strange. Okay, so he preaches all the time that they are to use NOTHING if they are doing God's will. Evidently this guy also preached that women should never hold a job outside the home and all this other stuff. So.............
This pastor's wife goes on to share that God has done so many wonderful changes in the past few years, and she excitedly exclaims... "It's so awesome, a few people have even had vasectomies!!!!!" And another PW (seriously) exclaims, "YES!!! GOD IS MOVING!!!" They were saying this seriously but then it hit us so funny we were sitting there laughing our heads off that we were actually praising the Lord that people in this church were having vasectomies! (As if it was some great spiritual achievement, like if we said, "Praise God, we've had two people saved today, four baptized, three filled with the spirit, and two vasectomies."
Okay, maybe you don't think it's funny but I can't stop laughing over it.
I have a funny story too. Our church had an evangelist in the other week and we had sucha powerful service. During the altar service he was praying with people and had a serious blooper! Only heard by the pastor and my dh (thank goodness) he was turning around at the steps asking someone for oil when he turned back to the people immediately his eyes fell on a woman with rather LARGE breast and a too low cut shirt apparently. He said how can I pray with yall. My pastor and dh about died laughing. He just kept going and didnt miss abeat, but later told apstor he thought he would croak right there. It was so sunny. I could tell something was up but couldnt believe it when they told me.
And one day I am praying God will move on my husband to have a vasectomy. HahA (Until then I guess we will sin and pop pills. as we may still have #3 one day. Who knows) That is so funny. I cant wait to tell dh.
oh Pr. Deanna that is toooooooo funny. and Cassandra didn't you just want to roll in the floor! When we first got here,there was a business meeting to discuss replacing the back door ,the windows and some other things on the church. One lady stood up. and said "we can't replace that door and just get rid of it. That door is the original door from the church and has a lot of sentimental value." The thing is the church was established in 1778!!!!!! I looked at my Dh and he wouldn't look at me cause he knows I would have got cracked up and that would have been all she wrote. Your stories are better but I thought it was so funny at the time. RJ
Ok, I just got up off of the floor from laughing so hard. That was too funny! I never thought I would hear people praising the Lord over getting a vesectomy.
That is hysterical! God moves in mysterious ways, I guess
We had dinner with our senior pastor and his wife the other night, and we were talking about the whole "women on the board" issue...my mom was just voted in at her church for a second term, and she had a couple of men who voted no come up to her and say, "We just wanted you to know it's nothing personal...we're just opposed to having women on the board."
So anyway, I said to my pastor and his wife, "Yeah, wouldn't they have a fit coming to our church? A female youth pastor, a female children's pastor, AND a woman on the board!!"
Our pastor's wife, with a complete deadpan expression on her face said, "Yes, but we haven't really arrived until we can get some women to serve as ushers."
We all burst out laughing then - Ours is probably one of the most progressive churches that I've seen. I mean, I've seen churches with a female youth pastor OR children's pastor, but very few in our district have both! But we haven't "arrived" yet because none of the ladies want to stand in the aisle and take up the offering? It just struck me as really funny!
quote: Originally posted by: Ralinda "oh Pr. Deanna that is toooooooo funny. and Cassandra didn't you just want to roll in the floor! When we first got here,there was a business meeting to discuss replacing the back door ,the windows and some other things on the church. One lady stood up. and said "we can't replace that door and just get rid of it. That door is the original door from the church and has a lot of sentimental value." The thing is the church was established in 1778!!!!!! I looked at my Dh and he wouldn't look at me cause he knows I would have got cracked up and that would have been all she wrote. Your stories are better but I thought it was so funny at the time. RJ "
Ralinda, that is funny, and such proof that church people really don't like change!
Our church has a little room behind the stage where they store extra sound equipment, instruments, etc. Well...when our pastor first got there, there was this UGLY, moth-eaten brown curtain separating the contents of that room from the sanctuary. He took it down and replaced it with a nice, new black one.
A few weeks later, this lady was looking at it, and said, "Whatever happened to that brown curtain that was hanging there?"
A friend of mine, not thinking about who it was that she was talking to, just casually said, "Oh, I think they just threw it away."
Dead silence.
Then the lady burst into tears and said, "My grandfather donated that curtain to the church when it was first founded." She was completely inconsolable for about 1/2 hour. The thing is, this lady has to be in her 70's, so my guess would be that her grandfather is long gone! Probably sitting up in heaven, looking down and saying, "It's about time!"
Ralinda - LOL!!! We did have some wooden chairs that were so old and rickety, we were convinced that Joseph and Jesus made them in their carpentry shop!!
We also had a SUPER ugly cross hanging on the wall in our fellowship hall...just because no one had bothered to get rid of it.
Now, I know that the cross was a very ugly thing, and that Jesus took it on himself for our sins and all that...but this cross was an eyesore. And the first thing that people saw when they walked in.
One day, DH and I, along with our YP and another friend were up at the church doing some work on our ministry areas, when we all decided, "That cross needs to go."
But none of us wanted to actually throw a cross in the garbage. It just seemed wrong.
So we came up with the idea that if we broke it, it would be pieces of wood, and no longer a symbol of our Savior! DH, who is a fairly big guy, set it on the ground and jumped on it as hard as he could, making the first break. Then the other girl who was there - a senior in high school who weighed 90 pounds soaking wet - started throwing broken pieces on the ground until they were small enough to toss undetected in the dumpster. It was a funny sight!
The funniest thing about it, though, was when DH asked, "So do we feel sacreligious destroying the cross?"
The youth group member who was there said, "No. Because God has been looking down from heaven for years and years saying, 'You blasphemers! My Son did not die on THAT for your sins. Get it down!'"
[Disclaimer: We really aren't a reckless pastoral staff who goes on rampages throwing piles and piles of junk away in a desperate attempt to bring our church into the current decade! Okay, so we are . But we do it all in the name of winning lost souls (and it's a little bit cathartic, too!) and all with our senior pastor's full blessing!!]
A few years ago, when we were evangelists, my dh was praying with people and had is eyes closed for a minuste as he moved from one person to the next. He laid hands on the next person and it was a woman and he laid his hands right on her breast. He was so embarrassed he walked to the other end of the front and started praying from there! Immediately after teh altar service he went to the senior pastor and told her what he had done. He always opens his eyes now!
We were doing a youth revival at a church and were going to throw a pie in the pastors face for some type of contest. We took a pie to the front to show the church people during the service and I got some on my hands. The yp's wife and I went to the nursery bathroom to clean up and we just walked right in and were standing there washing our hands and laughing. I thought nothing of the fact that a young teenage boy was standing in there. After he walked out we (YP wifa and I) suddenly looked at each other and realized he had been using the bathroom. We were too embarrassed to go back in church until we gained our composure. He was a VISITOR! Afterwards we found out he went back in service and told the couple that had brought him "Take me home. Please take me home." It was worked out but I have always felt awful about it. I have 2 boys and know how embarrassed they would be!
Just thought of another one that I heard second-hand...
My senior year of high school, all the ladies went on a retreat out at a cabin. During the "personal devotions" time, they were allowed to take a canoe out and pray in the middle of the lake if they wanted to. So this one lady, who was EXTREMELY large, took a canoe out to have some personal prayer time.
Now this lady was not Pentecostal, so when a bunch of them came into where my mom was reading her Bible and said, "So-and-So's out in the middle of the lake screaming and waving her arms all around!" my mom turned and said, "Good," thinking that the lady was getting the Holy Spirit, and went back to her devotions.
Come to find out, the woman was actually sinking the canoe because it just couldn't hold her weight! They were finally able to track down someone who was a professional lifeguard and get her out, but my mom didn't live down her nonchalant response to a drowning woman for a very long time!! .
These are great! I love true church stories. They are without a doubt, THE BEST! Keep 'em coming.
The thing is, some of them I cannot even repeat! I have heard a lot of "tongue twisters" from the pulpit...things that were not supposed to be said, but the preacher got his words mixed up.
When I think of these in my mind, I just crack up.
Oh, do you mean like lets crap our hands unto God. Same evangelists that was praying with "the girls" said that in the same service. He was not having a good night.
Sunday we had such an explosion of Gods spirit in our service. The youth came back from Karen Wheatons The Ramp and they are on fire. Well, it spread to the whole congragation. Powerful!!
Anyhoo....
One young man was marching around the sanctuary just praying under his breath. My seven year old was watching out of curiosity. (This is an hour after service and most had already gone on and we are still there in the presence of God) She asked a friend of mine, "what is Todd doing?" My friend said "marching around like Jericho I guess". She looked around the building and said in a worried voice I hope it dont fall down. My friend about fell out of his chair laughing. I later told Todd about it a chior practice and he about choked on his water. It was hilarious! She takes everything to heart.
My stepFIL tells of the time (when he was in ministry) of asking a man to testify and he got so stirred up about "what the devil was doing" that he went into a cussing fit right there. Ladies about passing out! ANd he said it was big ole' long words that would make a sailor blush. Then he marched back to his pew as if nothing happened.
A few years ago, hubby and some others from this area went to Promise Keepers. I listened in on the radio as we did not have cable then. Here is what the announcer said.....
"Wow, this is so moving. Hundreds of thousands of men, on the ground having fallen PROSTATE before the Lord...."
Of course, he meant to say PROSTRATE. LW
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...... Then they came for the Catholics, and I was a Protestant, so I never said anything. And then, they came for ME, and there was no one left to speak up. Martin Neimoller, German Pastor, WW2
Yes, that's exactly what I mean. I have a few that are "decent" enough to share - some that I have heard preachers say actually came out (tongue tied) as cuss words. Oh my! How embarrassing!!! Of course it was NOT intentional.
One time a friend of mine who is choir director at their church was directing a musical...the woman doing the narration for the Easter program was SUPPOSED to say, "And now...He is risen, He is Lord, and He is reigning omnipotent over all the earth!" Instead she said, "He is risen, He is Lord, and He is raining IMPOTENT, over all the earth!"
Another time a friend of ours was in the middle of a powerful altar service and people were really getting touched down at the altar. Meanwhile a deacon had gotten an emergency call about someone in the church...who had a heart attack, needed emergency prayer. So they wanted to congregation to pray for him. The deacon just went up to the pulpit and slipped the pastor a note with the information. The pastor interrupted the altar time for a moment, but as he spoke he got flustered...he meant to say, "Church, we've got to stop and pray for Bro. Brown...he's just been rushed to the hospital with an angina heart attack." Instead, you guessed it, he said, "...a vagina heart attack." Oh my gosh, is that the funniest thing you've ever heard? Most everyone in the congregation couldn't stop laughing which was awful for 2 reasons -- the spirit had really been moving, and second, Bro. Brown really needed serious prayer! But it was so funny they could not help it.
A couple of years ago, there was this lady who was very proper. When the spirit moved she rarely did or said anything. She might sway from side to side in her seat if she really felt the Spirit, but that was about it. One night during revival she went up to the altar and the minister laid hands on her and she was slain in the spirit. Well, as soon as her head hit the floor, her wig popped off. When she started to gain awareness she realized what had happened and she immediately got out of the spirit and started looking for her wig.
Well, I have always thought that the announcer that day was just distracted by the shadow demonstration, and that's why he made the error. it may not be funny, but do you all recall the anti-promise keepers protest?
It was hoards of women from NOW. And I gotta' say that I do not understand this.....they all came to the edge of the convention with signs, and got N-A-K-E-D!!!!!!!! Now, Christian or not, how do you protest MEN by taking your clothes off??? Nobody has ever been able to explain this one to me!! It's as if they were saying... "Oh well, we don't like these men so we came here to naked for em'" I mean really! That is one dumb bunch of femenists! lw
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...... Then they came for the Catholics, and I was a Protestant, so I never said anything. And then, they came for ME, and there was no one left to speak up. Martin Neimoller, German Pastor, WW2
Well, have you seen some (or most of the women) from NOW? They look very masculine in my opinion. Some really don't have the feminine look. Many men would definately not be turned on by it, and I'm sure it was a distraction to them...sort of like a bad car accident....you don't want to look, but you do and then go, "uuughhhh!"
AMEN Pr.Deanna!! The thing is they say they are fighting for women's rights but they don't look or act like women. it's kinda funny that they think they know what my rights are and /or what I want as a woman when they don't portray either.. PLEASE. Somethings not right with the scenario.
quote: Originally posted by: Deanna "Well, have you seen some (or most of the women) from NOW? They look very masculine in my opinion. Some really don't have the feminine look. Many men would definately not be turned on by it, and I'm sure it was a distraction to them...sort of like a bad car accident....you don't want to look, but you do and then go, "uuughhhh!" "
LOL!!! That is SO true...Now I'm not what many would consider to be a "girly girl." But the scary "listen to me or I'll kill you" look of those ladies is similar to the side of me that I lovingly refer to as my alter, "Scary No-Makeup (or Post-Workout) Leanne." This is the side of me that does not get to go beyond the walls of my home - makeup completely washed off, hair just hanging in my face, and big, baggy comfy clothing without any, um, support underneath. To revert to this character, I must know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will not be going out in public anymore that day.
When did feminism stop being about equal rights and start being about bad taste?
I don't know Leanne, that's a very good question. Truly I am all about women's rights - completely equal - but I will say, I'm 100% woman and plan to stay that way, as far as the feminine side. I love being a girl, everything about it. So much fun. Can you imagine a world where you could not...get your nails done? Wear pink all the time?? Enjoy chick flic after chick flic? No thanks. That's not my world. I love being a woman and living it to the 'nth degree! (I've already started Savanna off by indoctrinating her as an ultra feminine girl.
Last week I had such fun dressing up and getting my high heels on and the works and going out on a date with my dh. I was thinking even then....what if I was a MAN and couldn't do this? It would be so boooooooring!
I agree 100% and whether men admit or not, they LIKE women to be what I call "frufru". They want women to act like women. Which is part of why I dont understand why the (UPC) doesnt let women wear makeup. Makeup is and has always been for women. If you see men in it, there is usually a problem. lol
My thing here lately is trying to make time to keep up appearances you know. I have NOT taken off any pounds yet. (Finally getting to my the bottom of my health issues though praise God) and so I have been trying to hide my body behind baggy sweats and stuff. But it is getting warmer and I have been daydreaming of capris and flip flops with painted toe nails and flowers hot glued on the top of my flip flops. Yeah, that is what a woman is all about! And....get this...and I have been looking at pretty fancy underwear. Yeah, I know....I am really broadening my horizons here. I have always been a white, bikini cut kind of girl. But I have been looking at the lacy, flowery kind going, hum...I wonder....and I have even been going so far as to buy them. Yep. Sure have.
And we all know, you can't frown when you know you are wearing pretty undies. It may all be going to pot, but if you have on pretty undies it is like a lift (no pun intended) Yeah, i know I just told my secret splurge. But it is becoming like a sick addiction. I have become a pretty panty addict! I admit it. It has been making me feel better about myself (even if noone else knows why) HAhA
Now how did I get on that subject?
Oh wow....I forget. Oh well. Here's to being a woman! (minus the monthly issue--- but the rest is a plus!)
LOL, Cassandra! As I sit and wait in dread for my monthly visitor, due any time now, I can completely appreciate that sentiment.
You are SO right about men wanting to see women look like women...I have this great pair of red imitation snakeskin boots with a high, chunky heel. Whenever I wear them for more than an hour, my feet are throbbing in pain. DH always says, "Well, why do you wear them?" The main reason I wear them is because they're cute and I only paid $6 for them at a thrift store. He claims not to understand that, and yet he can't seem to stop staring at me...Hmm...
I am the first to admit that the mid-90's were probably my favorite time period - comfy jeans and flannel were considered high fashion!! But even then I hot-rolled my hair daily, wore a full face of make-up, and did my nails. Not the best representation of the grunge era, I guess...
Deanna, I enjoy a good chick flick like everyone else...but I'm also all about action movies with lots of explosions in them, too! My roommate used to call me a girly-GRRL, because I'm a little of both. At my old church, they asked me what it would take to get me to go on the women's retreat, and I said, in all seriousness, "paintball." The men got to play it at their retreat .
It's extremely nice to know that we can be equal to men spiritually, and yet completely unique, too. Goes both ways, too. As Elizabeth Elliot said to her daughter in one of her books, "You're marrying a man, and he's marrying a woman. You shouldn't expect each other to be anything but."
Well, I gotta' tell ya'.....I never asked the 3 Glorias to liberate me!
(Stienam, Alred, and Feldt) OOO, sounds like a feminist law firm!LOL
I love being a girl! And I love men! When something is broken, I want men with tools to come and fix it. When I'm in danger, I want men with guns to come and protect me. I am very old fashioned. I am not sure I consider it as 100% equal. But, the ground is level at the foot of the cross!!! We are all equal hiers to his throne, Praise God!!! I would rather be able to stay home, but I have to work a little bit to keep us going. Barefoot and pregnant is FINE with me! I know, I'm different, but it's ok. lw
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...... Then they came for the Catholics, and I was a Protestant, so I never said anything. And then, they came for ME, and there was no one left to speak up. Martin Neimoller, German Pastor, WW2
That was too funny! I never thought I would hear people praising the Lord over getting a vesectomy. 
"Oh well, we don't like these men so we came here to naked for em'" I mean really! That is one dumb bunch of femenists!
