Trace,

This happens whether in small or large churches.  I have been there many times, and learned some things.

When we were at our church in Maryland, I lived a lifestyle of doing "whatever it took" to make something happen.  There were times I worked 90 hours a week.  I burned the midnight oil, and basically "saved the day" on a regular basis with whatever needed to be done.  I am not saying this to brag, I simply need to share with you facts in order to clearly communicate what I have learned the hard way.  

I lived this lifestyle for eight years, half killing myself to "make it happen" in the church, with rare appreciation.  By appreciation I do not mean thanks or praise necessarily, although I'm sure all of us value that.  I'm a person who can work without much encouragement, as I get so much validation just by doing a job well done.  I enjoy work, and I love seeing things happen.  I find encouragement simply through that and spending time with God.  But by encouragement, I refer to "participation."  It is very discouraging when the people do not partner with you in participation for the harvest.  I felt that the lack of participation and help meant that the church people were ungrateful many times.  Yes, we saw amazing things happen in our church.  We saw tremendous growth however it was still 20% of the people doing 80% of the work many times. 

One of my mentors, Sis. June Coker, used to tell me, "honey, they won't miss the water til' the well runs dry!"  She used to tell me that when we left that place the people were in for a huge reality check.  She knew how much Larry and I kept going behind the scenes when all else or everyone else had failed. 

Well , we resigned there and came to pastor in Florida.  I didn't take long for the reality check.  Most every month (conservative estimate) for the past 6 years I have gotten an email, letter or phone call of thanks from somebody who is either still at that church in Maryland or somebody who has since left  that church there saying something like...

"We never realized until you were gone..."

"The reality of what you did here is setting in.  We now see how much you had on your plate.  Why didn't we help more?  Please forgive us."

"We never realized the excellence in ministry we had until it was too late..."

"Since you've left we finally had to stop doing _____________ and ___________ because now there's no one to do it and it's so sad..."

"After seeing now what you gave us when you pastored this church I can't help but think if we would have gotten in and supported you like we should have that you might still be here..."

"I'm sorry I was so lazy.  Our church is now paying the price..."

"Please forgive me for not appreciating you more when you were my pastor/pastor's wife...things will never be the same..."

And these are just a few of the comments, believe me, I have an office full of them (I keep all of these notes either on my bulletin board in my office or on file...)   Please realize that during the 8 years of pastoring that church we saw some incredible things.  The church grew.  God changed people's lives.  Miracles happened.  However, I was a very tired person.  At one point I crashed, and even through that crash and burn I managed to keep going tho' I was a mess.  I don't know how.  Many times I was discouraged by the people's attitudes or lack of support.  So, what's the point of all this?  What did I learn?

I started doing things differently in my new church.

First, I let them miss me a little bit.

Don't let it take your resignation to wake them up. 
Don't let it take an nervous breakdown to wake them up.
Wake them up "on purpose."

At my previous church I never took off when I was invited to minister somewhere.  I never even took all my vacation time.  I said I had responsibilities at my church and they needed me.  At my current church, when I'm asked to minister somewhere else on a Sunday, I occasionally do.  I leave a video or such and greet them, but I miss -- in fact I went to Africa last year for two Sundays in a row, and one Sunday I went to Miami.  Now please note, it's for ministry.  It's not, "Pastor Deanna decided to drive down to Miami and lay on the beach this weekend..."  ha ha!  But the point is, I want them to miss me once in a while.  Absence makes the heart grow fonder.   One thing I'd suggest to you, Trace, if your husband agrees,  is to take a weekend off now and then by yourself (at least once a year).  Maybe even when you come to Unstoppable (hint, hint!) decide to stay over on Sunday and just be ministered to.   Instead of having someone else do the kids church, put all the kids in the sanctuary.  Have your husband say, "Sis. Trace is not here this weekend, she's away on ministry so the children are in the sanctuary.  We don't have anyone to teach the children this weekend, but she'll be back next weekend."  It'll give people a little taste of what life is like without you there.

Second, I do still pick up dropped balls, catch what would otherwise slip through the cracks and save the day more than I would like (doesn't every PW?) but I have learned that sometimes you have to cancel things to get a message across.

We have a huge women's event that we do here yearly and have done for 6 years.  The first few years involvment was huge and they were excited but the last 2, some of my women have gotten lazy.  I decided a few months ago I was not going to kill myself to keep this going if they weren't going to rise to the occasion, particularly since God is opening up so many doors in my life and the last thing I need is that stress.  Either they are going to rise to the occasion, partner with me in making it happen, or they can forget it happening.  So, I cancelled this year's event.

I'm already getting questions..."what???  we aren't going to be able to have it?  What happened???"

"Yes," I've said, "it's been cancelled until we get the participation we need among the women of the church who are willing to work together to get the task accomplished."

This will do one of two things:

1)  I've created a well that's run dry all of a sudden.  Maybe they'll miss the water and decide to get in, dig and make new wells.  It's up to them to rise to the occasion. 

2)  They won't miss it nor care.  In that case, all the better that I cancelled it.  I don't need that headache for something they could care less about.

Bottom line is this - I think many of our church people are very, very spoiled.  Please don't mistake, I'm not talking about the lost or the unchurched.  I'm talking about CHURCH PEOPLE who should know better.  Many of our churches have excellent pastor's wives who are working their fingers to the bone for the cause of Christ and His Church and they could care less.  Not until they get a pastor's wife who could care less  (and there are those out there...) do they know what they are missing!!! 

My advice to you is, do not do this event on your own and kill yourself doing it.  Your ladies would come, they would be blessed, they would LOVE IT.  And, they would ALLOW YOU to run yourself half ragged doing it, then walk out the doors with their little favors in hand and leave you at the kitchen sink to clean up.  No.  Do not do it.  Unless you have people signed up to help you SET UP and CLEAN UP, do not put yourself through this.  Your health depends on it.  You don't need that stress and strain.

No, you are not looking for self adoration but you are seeking support in the way of participation.  There is a difference.  Sometimes as the "church mother" you do need to give the spiritual children a lesson about responsibility and gratefulness.

Love you,

Deanna