I hope your church services this morning were strong and life changing. Unfortuantely for me I was not able to attend due to my knee and somehow I pulled a back muscle (and a week before my knee surgery...yikes)! But I did get to read my DH's sermon and "WOW!" I couldn't help but pray the whole service waiting for him and the kids to return so I could hear how it went! "Great" he said. Not so great -children's church. One of the ladies that was so adamant about others helping while I recover, filled in for me. Yes it was spur of the moment ( I had not intended to be stuck in bed this am!) But according to my DH she was completely discouraged and decided to take her name off the list of helpers. Although I am glad that someone else has gotten to see what I deal with behavior wise on a weekly basis this may have negative affects on the others that have signed up to help! Ok I really want to make this a short message but I am not sure how I can do that. SO bear with me ok. First off, I have approximately 15 sometimes more when they all show up. Ages run from 4 to 10. That isn't the problem though. The problem is specifically 2 young boys (age 10) who are step brothers, both have been diagnosed with ADD and ADHD (but are not being treated-long story parents do not believe the diagnosis-they think it is the adults with the problem-big fight between families). On top of that is my son who has Sensory Process Disorder (possible high funct. autism - we are going to be getting him evaluated) who feeds of these other boys misbehavior. I have much difficulty with them and often times must send them out to their parents. (I have no helpers - teens or adults). I have tried making these older boys helpers, has not worked and I DO NOT want to reward their misbehavior. I have been told many times that I should lower my age limit so they would not be allowed to come. This seems unfair to those that are 10 that do behave. The parents are not willing to take responsibility for their behavior at church or at school (know this personally). I need some ideas to help the situation. I hate to admit this but I need to admit this to others in the minstry...there are times I honestly hope they don't come to church. I know its bad and I have prayed about it alot! I worry about them spiritually but I just don't have the energy, strength or know how to deal with them. When they are absent it is like a whole other world! I have tried sending them out and not letting them come back the following week. Tough love so to speak. I have rewarded for good beahior with candy, prizes, stickers and special trips to dairy queen. Their response is who cares I can get my parents to get me that. They have a real issue with authority and have rebellious spirits (specailly one of them) Any ideas, suggestions, advice and definately prayer would help! one suggestion a friend has made is make children's church for 3rd grade and down. Allowing the 4th and 5th graders be weekly helpers, one at a time. This would keep the boys separated which I know does help. I hate to do this because my two greatest helpers would be penalized for their great behavior! Just need some insight and help.
Thank ladies! Melissa
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"How can I keep from Praising Your Name, How can I ever say enough, How amazing is Your Love!"
The main issue I'm seeing here is that no one in your church really seems to have a heart to minister to kids, and they're not seeing kids' church as a "real" service, but simply as a place to put their kids while THEY attend church. I'm struggling with the "babysitting" mentality myself in my nursery and preschool ministries - I am thankful that the last CP in my church helped to change that mentality for what our preschool kids call "big kids' church."
First of all, I would say that four year-olds are too young for a regular kids' church service. I had that issue in my last church; and quite frankly, was too tired to fight that particular "but we've ALWAYS done it that way!" battle.
What I ended up doing was changing my focus and sort of flip-flopping things around. We had a Sunday School program, so all the kids were receiving teaching on Sunday mornings. ON Wednesday nights, we had an excellent Rainbows program for the preschoolers. What I did was change my Sunday mornings to more of a preschool focus in kids' church - any "older" kids who came were my helpers (the 2nd and 3rd grader kids loved being called on to help pass out crayons; sit next to the younger kids to help them; etc), and then I did my "main" kids' church service on Wednesday nights - when I had more help.
As far as the babysitting mentality goes, in order for the attitude to change, it's got to trickle down from the top. The senior pastor needs to be committed to viewing kids' church as REAL church, and he/she needs to influence the others in the church with that attitude. It takes time. Like I said, it was awhile before the attitude was "caught" in my church and I'm getting ready to take it to the next level this month - after a year and a half of being here. I would highly recommend Barna's "Transforming Children into Spiritual Champions" to you, your husband, and your congregation. He has also written a sequel for parents called "Raising Spiritual Champions."
I know I seem to be doing nothing but recommending books, but I'm an English major - go figure, lol!!! But two books that have really helped me in the area of "special needs" kids are:
Assertive Discipline, by Lee Canter
Childhood Education in the Church, by Robert Clark, Joanne Brubaker, and Roy Zuck - **this deals with how to minister to each age group, and different categories of kids, such as ADHD, developmentally disabled, exceptionally gifted, etc...
Sometimes, though - if a child is seriously getting nothing out of kids' church and is disrupting the entire group, the only thing you can really do is talk to their parents and let them know that they need to teach their kids how to behave in kids' church, or else pull them out for awhile. It may sting a little bit - but just remember that it is your (and your leaders'!) responsiblity to share Christ with the kids - not parent them! It's important to draw those boundaries right away - because they do tend to get trampled on.
Thank you! My husband is the senior pastor and he does stress the importance as do I about Children's church. As for the baby sitting thing it does feel that way sometimes specially when all I am doing is disciplining and not really getting through to the kids. We have 2- 4 yr olds (mine), 4 kindergardners, 1- 1st grader, 3 - 2nd graders, 1 - 3 grader and 4 - 4th graders that are regulars. The others that attend are between 3-5th grades but are not regular attenders. You really did hit one of the issues. The other is "we have done our time, we are too old and the best one-I need time to be in service" Although the last statement kills me cause the people who have literally said this, do nothing but "sit" in the service (during worship as well). I have big plans and dreams for our children's ministry and am trying to get others to "catch" on. I am praying for a real heart change this year towards children's outreaches. Thank you for the recommendations for the books. We are avid readers and I will have alot of time on my hands in the next few weeks to do some reading. Thanks!
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"How can I keep from Praising Your Name, How can I ever say enough, How amazing is Your Love!"
Just a note. I have been in ministry for 20 years but still...at times the selfishness of church people amazes me. The whole, "what's in it for me?" mentality...
"We've done our time..."
"I need time to be in service..."
I should be used to this by now, but I have to confess, girls, after all these years it's still hard to hear these things when people say them.
I understand what you all are saying and I'm praying for you that the people of God will RISE TO THE OCCASION, STEP UP TO THE PLATE AND BRING THE CHURCH INTO IT'S DESTINY.
The thing is, people in my church don't even have the "I'm going to miss church" excuse - because we have TWO Sunday am services!!!
Just to show you how cool my mom is...her church was severely lacking an early childhood program, and lo and behold!! They ended up recently gaining three new families move to the area - all with babies and toddlers.
My mom (who has more than "done her time" in kids' ministry, by the way!) decided that an early childhood program needed to be created in order to keep these families. So she (with the help of the church secretary and the blessing of the senior pastor) made up a nursery schedule and filled it, each of them taking one service a month themselves.
These are two women in their late 50's, with grown children, who saw a need in the church and filled it. Period.
Because I was raised by someone like that, I took for granted that ALL church people were that way. As a church lay person, before I was in full time ministry, I assumed that, "Okay, I'm an adult in the church. I need to throw myself into at least three ministries in order to truly be involved and serving in the church!" It had nothing to do with being "called." It was just what I assumed a church person was supposed to be like.
I am realizing more and more that my mom is really the exception rather than the rule!
Yes your Mom is a rare jewel! I know of other women of God and men who have stepped up to the plate because they saw a need. I just want to know where in the Bible it says that "sitting" on the pew is using your gifts! As for what we have decided....for now we have decided to concentrate on the younger of the kids. Making children's church from pre-K to 3rd grade. Using our older kids as helpers two at a time. This should help or at least make it very clear to the boys and the parents of these two boys that they must earn the right to be a helper. We don't want to lose this family but I read Pastor Deanna's blog about her call to a visiting family. PD VERY I loved your response! It does amaze me when people think a church can't go on without them there! Anyway, we are hoping this will help and if this family gets offended I think I will let my husband deal with that. For now this will work with our subsitutes and when I can get back into ministering on a full time basis (after surgery and rehab) then we will see how things work. I am looking forward to the time to just rest. I believe God is going to use this time to rejuvenate and give me a more detailed vision for the kids and how to reach this community of 700 people. I truely am looking forward to what He is going to do through this time!
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"How can I keep from Praising Your Name, How can I ever say enough, How amazing is Your Love!"
I can relate to all the above. Nevertheless, the SP needs to have background checks on every childcare worker and have them on file. It's in the best interest of the church and it's board.
Not just the church and the board, but the kids AND the workers!!!
The kids, because churches are notoriously "trusting," and are known to pedophiles as easy targets as far as getting access to kids!
The workers, because sad to say, in this day and age, kids know how to manipulate the system, and will often accuse workers of something just because they didn't get their way.
I absolutely, uneqivocally, NO NEGOTIATIONS WHATSOEVER, require background checks on all adults who have access to kids. Even parents who come as chaperones on events!!
