I am having quite a dilemma right now. I need help with 2 things.
First, I have armorbearers (3 of them), lately they all have been full of drama. One is pregnant(1st time), and one is going through divorce. I know what the problem is, they are only 23-26 years old and very immature. They are very inconsistent in their emotions. They are constantly taking me through with them emotionally. I do not mind ministering to them occasionally, but I thought armorbearers were supposed to minister to me and my dh. I am at the point now where I am being drained from dealing with their stuff.
They are great young ladies with good hearts, they just need to mature and not allow their emotions to move them in a contrary way from God. I want to ask them all to step down until they can get it together, but I do not want to hurt them, b/c they love and really look up to me. What do I do?
The 2nd thing, is that one of my armorbearers are going through seperation and divorce. Although they were "carnal" and refused counseling before marriage 3 years ago, how do I let myself off the hook. How do you all let yourselves off the hook and not blame yourself when parishioners get a divorce? Sometimes I think we want them to succeed at their marriages more than they want to succeed. I also start feeling bad when after we've counseled them, they still decide to divorce.
So far, no one that we have counseled before marriage, has divorced, but I am afraid that one day it is going to happen and I am just going to "lose it." I cry really bad when Christian marriages end, because we(me & dh) almost ended our marriage 8 years ago...BUT GOD. He changed our hearts and the way we look at the marriage covenant.
I know your heart is to minister to those around you and bring up others in the faith to be grounded... I want to ask them all to step down until they can get it together, but I do not want to hurt them, b/c they love and really look up to me. What do I do?This seems more like some Timothy relationships to me. They are immature and make choices on how they feel and take you for the ride too! I think there is nothing wrong with asking them to "take a break" from it. It is one thing protect you and pray for you, it is another to become a distraction make you weak and worn out emotionally and spiritual. A real armor bearer will hold you up and support you no matter what they go through. Are the perfect? No, but you need someone who will minister to you and your husband right? God will give you the right person! These ladies sound more like your spiritual daughters than they do armor bearers.....
Secondly, My husband and I counseled with a couple who were living together and on drugs. They wanted us to do their wedding...we asked to have some counseling sessions with us, and we did, yet they refused to stop living together and ended up going to the court house to get married.
Needless to say, we offered this young couple the following:
-The church would pay for the wedding and her dress. -They could use the fellowship hall for free. -The young man could stay at a deacon guest house until they got married a month later.
We met with hem twice...yet they refused to have further counseling etc. During this time they also wanted us to do other things for them and let them into leadership on our staff. We did not let them.
8 months after they were married, they both had an affair, broke up and got back on drugs. They got divorced after that.
I felt bad for a while, but I remembered that we were their shepherds, it was still their choice to dis-obey and go their own way. Did it hurt them and us? Yes. But you cannot take on someone else's baggage and let it bog you down. You can over come this and it does happen. There will always be concenquences to your actions..and in the end..you are held accountable to the Lord for what you did and if you were obedient. After that, they are held accountable for their own actions. We do weep with those who weep, but at the same time if they continue to refuse our help in the end it is their responsibility. Your responibility is to be there for them when they come to you.
Autumn is right on here. Armor bearers need to be at a certain level where they are not draining you - but are helping you not to be so drained. One of the difficulties of finding armor bearers is that you have to find people who don't have to be babysat. (I know, there are hardly any people in the church who don't have to be...) Finding someone who is there to help you, and not someone who wants to be close to you simply to have "access" to you on a more personal level is very difficult. It took me four and a half years here to find two people who would help me who would not expect to have a private audience with me all the time and keep me for countless hours dealing with their problems rather than being there to assist me. I understand the burden you are under and will pray for you to find true armor bearers who will stand with you and not expect you to hold them up all the time.
Amen to what has been said. I could use an armorbear for sure, but I have gone without one for the reasons that you described. I rather go without than be drained as a result of dealing with ones who are not yet matured and ready to take on the responsibility. I feel you.
As for the marriage issue, we cannot take personal responsibilty for other peoples choices. As for marrying people for do not go through pre-marital counseling, wo don't do it. We feel that we are not doing our part as a shepherd if we marry people without counseling them first. On the other hand, once they are married, they still have to put in the same work and effort and love that it takes to make their marriage succesful. SOmetimes that means marital counseling by a professional christian marrige and family therapist/counselor. If they decide to divorce, don't take on blame that doesn't belong to you.
Armorbearers. I can relate to your dealing with Armorbearer's problems. I had a wonderful woman -- mature in years, but apparently not as mature as I thought in spiritual matters. She was very supportive and "right there" when I spoke, or led a Bible study. Last summer while I was away on vacation she had a...disagreement/misunderstanding...with the PW. She decided not to attend our church any more and though we have remained sorta friends, she's unhappy that I won't let her tell all about the PW.
Marriage/Divorce. We can't blame ourselves when someone in our congregation chooses to divorce. We can't even know the real story...just his or her perception of the "story." The 2nd couple I married were divorced within 6 months. I couldn't believe it. They seemed to adore each other. When I heard they were talking about divorce, I talked with her. DH talked with him. We got them together and talked with both of them. They'd agree with us, then go home and fight. Whew!
Those kinds of choices lie directly with the people involved. It grieves us, but we can't accept blame for the choices of others.
Here's my advice: 1) I'd suggest the armorbearers step down while expending energy on personal problems. 2) I'd step back from the couple considering divorce and once I've shared my heart with them, simply allow them to come to terms and make their own decision.
