Hi, Ladies: I've been out of the loop for a few days now. And thought that I'd catch up. I am very excited. Last Friday I finally signed my new job description, the one that I've been praying for, for over a year. It's going to require a lot more out of me, time & travel, but I should find it a lot more rewarding. I'm not the kind of girl that can stay behind a desk 8 to 9 hours a day. That is so tiring to me. I enjoy getting out, meeting people, making a difference.
I do need to vent about something that happened last night. Please tell me if I'm wrong. As you know, there has been a woman in the church after my dh for 2 years. She had left the church to be with her sick husband who died. The first Sunday after he died, she was back at our church. Dh made it clear by his actions (or so we thought) that she needed to go somewhere else to church. She had not been back @ the church until last night. She told dh that her children really missed him. Give me a break. Her being there annoyed me, but that was it -- annoying.
This is what bothered me. Our church secretary & her husband were the ones that picked this woman up for church. These people supposedly love us & support us. We have discussed w/ them at length that this lady does not need to come to our church. Dh has told the man that he was not to pick up this lady & her family on the church van. I really feel let down by these people. The secretary told dh that it wasn't her responsibility to tell the lady to go to church somewhere else. But she could have called dh before telling the woman that she would pick her up.
Am I wrong? But I feel that we need people who will stand up for us, for right, to stand behind us. We need people who want to protect the pastor & family, to look out for us. Can't we have just one couple who will do this? I hear about armor-bearers. We don't have any. Please pray that God will send us a couple who will be the armor-bearers that we need.
Well, I need to go work. I love you ladies. I haven't had time to post on the individual threads, but I'm praying for you Send Judah, Autumn Rose, & others.
Thanks so much for your prayers! They are greatly needed!
It is not wrong to desire an armor bearer. David had his, and I believe that God will bring you someone or a couple who will truely lift you and your dh (does this stand for darling husband?) up and help to protect you.
It may not have been the secretary's job to tell this lady, but if she and her husband already knew how you felt about this, then they did directly disobey your request not to pick her up. I can see why this bothered you! It would have bothered me greatly as well.
Has DH just made it clear by his actions that she needs to go somewhere else or have you or him verbally asked this lady? I know this is a "sticky situation" (using Pastor Tara's words there), but maybe even do some research to give this lady some other church options? When we pastored my hubby and I had a list of other church's handy and networked with them in case a person requested info....just an idea. Being lovingly honest with this lady might be the best route. Just continue to pray for God's wisdom in this situation.
Congrats. on your new job! I am very excited for you!
Trace! Congrats on the new job! Woohoo! And thanks for the prayers. Man you just want people to do what they said they would do. I would have been more than annoyed...try outright HOT! Since this woman is determined to come...make sure your husband is never alone after a service. And you be even more visible than ever. You are in my prayers.
This would have me very angry, but here's how I'd personally handle it if it were me.
1) Of course, pray. It should go without saying...but I'll say it anyway.
2) Watch your back from now on with the secretary. This is a huge red flag. She is obviously not armor bearer material, but she's what you have in the office for now until you get somebody who is. Knowledge is power. Watch your back because she doesn't have it.
3) Pray in an armor bearer. Even if they are not your secretary, have someone in the church who is a true armor bearer to you and bring them closely alongside instead of your secretary. I've been in the situation in times past where my armor bearer wasn't necessarily my secretary, in fact in one situation I had a secretary trying to kill me too! So I know how that is...no fun.
3) Be large and in charge. Do not let this woman see you sweat, and be very visible, very up front, very with dh in everything he does. Take your rightful place - do not be threatened by her. If you need some extra confidence, read John Bevere's "Breaking Intimidation." If you are feeling nervous around her, pray specific prayers to break the stronghold of intimidation.
4) Stay in very close communication with your husband.
5) Do not give her any role in the ministries of the church. You are going to have some people who might try to get her involved (I've been there/done that too)...where people try to keep her in the church by giving her things to do that make her feel more a part. You will have people that may ask her to do anything from set up for an event or bring a dish to a dinner or whatever, and to some degree you can't control that (I've tried, trust me ) but what you can stop is her getting any role in the church such as teaching, leading a group, etc.
I can pretty much almost guarantee that if you do all of the above it will drive her nuts and she'll leave again in another few months or less. If she is:
* Not getting any real attention from your dh.... * Not getting any time alone with him. * Is refused counseling alone with him. * Is referred to you for anything she needs. * Is not able to get involved in any ministries of the church. * Sees you every time she turns around and you are very visible and involved. * Sees that you are not intimidated by her. * Realizes that Trace is a force to be reckoned with...
SHE'S TOAST.
Trust me, I have BTDT before so many times on this kind of stuff and the truth of the matter is that the role of the PW is HUGE in all this. Here is my theory. (And some of you might want to throw tomatoes at me, or never log on again, but...) But...here is what I have come to realize. So much depends on the pw. And you can USE THIS TO YOUR ADVANTAGE. If this woman sees that you are the type of pw that is very involved and she senses that she can get nowhere with you, it will be very frustrating for her. The truth of the matter is, if the pw is very highly involved and she is not very receptive to someone, it's difficult for that person. In a church where the pw is not involved and is very marginal in the congregation it's really no big deal but for an involved one, it's almost suicide.
Not to brag, but let me share with you that this works in two ways. First, we must be careful about our actions because what we do greatly depends on whether people will come to our church...or leave it. My husband shared with me that a few weeks ago in his "pastor's class" for newcomers, a few of the people in the current class shared with him that their decision to make this their church home was "sealed" in the visitor room when they met me. Two men, in fact, not meaning this in any type of inappropriate way, told my husband that they liked the service and so forth but they said, "when we met Pastor Deanna in the hospitality room, it clinched it for us because she made us feel so at home, and she greeted us so warmly..." One older gentleman said, "you could tell she was the Mom of this house, and was really there for the people..." My husband said, "honey, you have no idea how you really impact people, sometimes!" So my point is this...
Just as your presence brings people in, so it can also drive the wrong people OUT. A woman who is after your husband will not want to stay IF you are in your rightful place functioning as the church mom. A woman who wants control and to take over the women's group will not want to stay IF you are in your rightful place. I believe when a pastor's wife rises up and stands WITH her husband and is not intimidated, you can keep the right kind of people in the church who appreciate your leadership and the wrong people will leave.
Send Judah has it right...YOU MUST BE VISIBLE. My theory, which is time tested, is...BE VISIBLE, TAKE YOUR RIGHTFUL PLACE AND IN TIME SHE WILL LEAVE.
For those of you who say, "but what if she's restored?" My theory on that is that if she's restored she can be restored in another church. She shouldn't be attending or a member where she has told the pastor previously that she wants a romantic relationship with him. Trace, if I recall she had actually had the conversation with him, something to the effect of, "if both our spouses were dead we could be together" or something like that? CRAZY. If I'm remembering it right, that was the case with this woman...if I'm wrong please correct me...but I do know whether she's done that or not and memory has failed me, I do definitely recall she's made some sort of a move on him. If she's restored...another pastor should restore her, not one who she has declared romantic feelings for.
S.J., I've spent countless hours for over 2 years being hot, angry, even bitter over this woman after my husband. (And yes, PD, she's the one that asked dh "if my husband & Trace were dead would you find me attractive" and told dh even 3 months ago "you're so easy to love.") I'm tired of wasting my time, thoughts, & energy on this woman. This situation has made me literally sick at times. So, Wednesday night I found her annoying. Just annoying. It was wonderful. I didn't stress about her. I didn't make myself sick over her. I was annoyed that she was there. I feel PD that I can do the things you mentioned b/c I'm mentally, physically, & spiritually ready, not run down & weak.
Now I was hot over the secretary & husband picking her up. Dh visited them yesterday. I asked him if said anything to them about picking the woman up, & he did not. So, I don't feel like I can approach them on the subject. I will say something if they bring up the subject to me though.
Once again, thank you ladies. I can't promise that I won't be venting here again on this situation. It's in God's hands & I'm trusting that He's going to send me an armor bearer. But I don't plan to dwell on this anymore but on things that are true, honest, just, pure, etc. I'm going to enjoy this weekend. We're taking the family to the circus tonight for my middle son's birthday. (I can't believe he's 6.) And tomorrow, I'm taking time for myself & going to go to a scrapbooking crop for most of the day. And my mom's cooking my favorite meal for me after church on Sunday!! God is good!
Please, never feel as if you have to feel bad to share something multiple times here...THAT'S WHAT THIS BOARD IS FOR. If you have to talk about something for however long, well it's like this...sometimes we can deal with things not just for days, weeks or even months...but years. (Not to be a downer here, but it's the truth.) So come here as much as you need to.
We are praying for you. I am so glad you are feeling strong, ready to handle this...and that you are all set for a great weekend. Enjoy that meal! And have a great service Sunday.
So I know how that is...no fun. 
) but what you can stop is her getting any role in the church such as teaching, leading a group, etc. 
