It's not really a "conflict" with another person, but more like a conflict within myself about how to deal with a situation.
What do you do about people who start coming to the church and try to suck up a lot of your time but you really sense it is not going to profit anything but investing in a particular individual. I deal with this quite a bit.
Right now there is someone new who started coming with one of her friends. I have a feeling she will probably not be with us long, she is just sort of "dropping through during a crisis" type person. When I questioned her friend about her history (they have known each other almost all their lives and met in church) the friend told me, "well, it's like this...she's not really the faithful type when it comes to church..." yet right now she is there every service, coming up to me afterwards, wanting to talk forever about her problems. I am sensing it is not so much that she wants my advice or really anyone else's...she just wants to talk. And truthfully, for that...I don't have time.
Time to pray? Yes.
Time to give someone a hug? Yes.
Time to spiritually advise someone who is truly wanting help? Yes.
But time to just listen to someone ad nauseum? No.
I am seeing with this person that when they are there, they monopolize the conversation. Give me some tricks of the trade girls. I need to know, what are your tactics when dealing with such a person? I know it's only a matter of time before she calls my office for counseling and wants my undivided time not only after services, but during the week. Actually I have two people like this right now.
JESUS HELP ME.
I know others of you deal with this and it's common...I'm sure a lot of other people could use advice on this too. Part of the issue is - one of my armor bearers is out of town for 2 weeks and the other one has Missionettes on Wed. night (of which she is coordinator) and can't be by my side to move things like this along and get me to the next person safely...
Usually this does not happen to me, but to my husband. He has handled this in 2 ways. When there is a drainer in the house, that attacks him immediately after service. He begins to announce to the church how important it is to schedule an appointment. He is usually very tired after preaching and would rather not counsel right after. So, he just reminds people from the pulpit that he really wants to help them, and talk to them, but remember to call _________ number and schedule a day to sit down and talk.
There was this one guy who came to church...a drainer. He wanted to talk about problems after church everytime. So, my dh made his armorbearer aware of it, and so the armorbearer would give him a few minutes to talk to the man, and then come and rescue him. His armorbearer would say somethin' like Hey, Pastor I need to see you for a moment. It seemed to work pretty well.
There have been several people in my life like this. There are several things you can do (which I have done or my husband):
1. Have a staff member back you up or be your eyes. My hubby always had me or another person on staff to gaurd his time after service, because that is when "the vultures attacked".
2. Make sure office hours and counseling times are posted on a sign and that someone else sets the appointment up for you with an alloted amount of time.
3. Be direct. I had a friend who was always "sucking the life out of me". Eventually I asked her (I should have done it sooner), "Do you really want help to change?" She said, "No, I just want someone to listen to me." I told her, "Then I really do not have the time, if you want someone to listen to you, call your mom." I know this sounds harsh, but we women do not need to be drained of our energy on people who want to complain their life away. If you tolerate what you complain about, you will never change. Better to invent in people who's heart is in line with restoration.
P.S. There is a difference between being compassionate and a door mat. Compassionate people listen, pray and advise. Doormatters give their time away to anyone who needs someone to listen to them and are walked over and used, eventually drained of spiritual and emotional energy, thus causing them to to become tired and an open door for more people to walk on them. ( I would know..been there done that!)
I do the things you have suggested here (the armor bearer keeping an eye out for...etc. as well as staff...as I mentioned my one asst. who normally helps on Wed night is out of town for 2 weeks...and as far as staff they all work in other areas on Wed. night.) I think Wed. night is primarily my hardest time especially when one of my asst's is away.
You mentioned making an appt for counseling. I guess my question is more or less...SHOULD THE APPOINTMENT EVEN BE MADE? My thought is...there are those I don't believe it's a wise investment of my time to counsel or to allow to make appointments. My feeling is that this woman will drain us to the dregs and be gone in a few months time or less...and just be a time taker with no fruit to show for it.
I have given, and given and given to people like this and then had them leave and said to myself, "now, why did I do that?" I just get tired of it and wonder...
Is it "right" to make people prove themselves by being there for a while before you agree to meet with them?
That should have probably been my original question.
With these two women in question I am thinking of telling them, "be faithful to the house of God for six months... at that time if you have proven faithful I'll meet with you..."
Do you think that's too harsh? My thought is, I would be SHOCKED if either one is still here 6 months from now, with their track record in the past. If they are - then I feel I would make a wise investment by counseling them. If they are not here, then no time wasted.
I think you're definitely smart to think about whether or not counseling is even going to help...
My mom's best friend is a PW with a Master's degree in counseling psychology...so besides just the fact that she's a PW, she is constantly being cornered because she's a professional!!!
What she does is schedules one appointment with them...does some info gathering...gives them things to work on for the next week. If they follow through with their part in the counseling sesson by the next appointment, she'll schedule another one...and so on. She is infinitely patient (many have said she should be sainted - but I don't think the A/G does that, lol!!), but she will cut them off if she feels they're wasting her time.
And yes, one of her "assessment tools" is faithful church attendance.
Of course, because she is a professional, this is a ministry that her church can offer. In the church I am a part of, my SP and/or PW (depending on the gender of the person in question!) will meet with them once and then refer them to a local Christian counseling center...
[Just so you know, my DH received counseling from this particular PW - this is the only reason why I know how her sessions work - she most certainly does NOT break confidentiality, LOL!!!]
"My feeling is that this woman will drain us to the dregs and be gone in a few months time or less...and just be a time taker with no fruit to show for it."
So here is the thing...you already know she is a drainer, then do not consider even making an appointment. I believe that Jesus had his own drainers too, people who asked Him worthless quesitons and were not willing to change..the Pharisees, Saducees, etc. There are truely people out there who you have helped and will continue to help. But there are many who are there to suck you dry. I think that God has given you great wisdom and if He really wants you to meet with one of these ladies, He will direct you that way. There is nothing wrong with having someone "prove" themselves. My husband and I went through a time of "proving" at one church we worked at, and it did pay off at the end!! Every person who was really interested in leadership had to go through this time...not everyone made it though. My hubby calls this "beating the wheat". That is what I think.
Just FYI -- I was right...she is not staying with us long term...she said today that she's got plans to move. My "guesstimate" is that she'll be here a few months...and I'm just not going to let her drain me...
A few staff noticed this week how she monopolized quite a bit of my time at the last two services and two of them helped me today with the situation so it did not get out of hand.
My Wed night armor bearer is gone one more week...so I think I'm going to make special arrangements to have somebody help me this week to head things off at the pass.
If she asks me for counsel, I'm going to tell her it's for members only (I don't think she has any plans to become a member since she ultimately has plans to move...)
I don't have much time, therefore, I have not read all the advice above. Nevertheless, here's my 2 cents: We tell people upfront that we are not counselors! They may make an appt. with us (1-2 visits for 30 minutes) for prayer and Bible instruction. After that, we refer them to a professional counselor. We have a couple of good Christian ones to refer people too.
After service, I excuse myself and explain that I need to get my kids. If the person seems safe, I may invite them to walk along with me and I'll listen. If it's marriage related, I always recommend AG Marriage Encounter in Tampa or Georgia. I've been to both for enrichment. It's not a cure-all but it's a great start for hurting couples (or healthy enrichment). If it's a child abuse situation, I warn them that I have to report it (before they go on). I document details, put it on file and consult Christian Law Association for free advice (if it's a legal matter).
People often compliment how we are accessible and approachable after services (willing to listen). In fact , I was driving down the street in my car & the Christian station aired a call-in of someone just bragging on their pastors and how they hang around after service to talk to them and be there for them....low and behold the person said my name! I had no idea they appreciated that so much! The same gal said that she was an exotic dancer and how everytime she'd try to "do her thing" she would get a vision of my face and couldn't stand the environment. She said she appreciates my Love shown to everyone. You never know the impact you are having on people...so listen to God's discerning voice because you don't want to miss His divine appointments!
