Hi, Ladies: I need to update you on a situation & need your advice. For those that remember, there was a lady (whose husband had cancer) who was after my dh. Two years ago, she told MY husband that she was in love with him. I confronted her then & told her to leave him alone. She stayed in the church & finally left about 3 months b/c her husband wanted her & the family to attend where he was going. During the few months before she left, even newcomers to the church were able to see that she was "in love" with dh. She did not hide her feelings at all nor was she ashamed of them.
Last week, the lady's husband died. Now she wants to come back to our church. I don't want her there. Dh doesn't want her there. We can't be any sort of pastors to her. And I'm worried about my feelings toward her. Most of the time, I feel sorry for her. She was in a terrible situation. She never grew up. And then there are times that I really can't stand her. I don't want to see her. I want her to stay as far away from me & my husband as possible. And then I'm worried about my attitude & that I'm sinning. I pray. I ask forgiveness. I pray that I don't hold bitterness in my heart.
So, how should I feel? The usually sweet & understanding Trace just doesn't exist when it comes to this woman.
And then there's a lady in the church who feels so sorry for this other woman. She says that the other woman really needs her church family & her pastor. I tried talking to this church lady who I really admire. She just thinks that we're young & do not know how to handle the situation. She says that we should allow the other woman to come back & let God handle the situation. Personally, I think that God already handled the situation when He moved her out of our church. I believe that it is God's will to protect our marriage, our church, & our ministry. I believe that the other woman is the one who destroyed the pastor/parishioner relationship & needs to move on. (Ok, I'm getting angry at the woman now, am I sinning?)
I've put up with this woman for two years now. I've put up with her 8 disrespectful kids. I don't want to do it anymore. I'm not sure that I can.
There's a very simple way in my opinion,to handle this situation. Do not have your dh minister to her AT ALL. Nothing personal - not a hug, not a "moment to speak to him" - NOTHING. If she walks back in the doors of your church, make sure you are by his side after service at the door. He could acknowledge her presence with hello or a handshake in your presence, but that would be it. If she says, "I really need to talk to you, Pastor..." he would then say, "It's best if you need personal ministry to speak to my wife. Trace will help you with whatever you need."
NOW, DON'T PANIC. She's not going to do that, at least for longer than about 5 minutes, because she doesn't want you - she wants him. She's probably going to leave the church again in a week or two. Be polite, but BE FIRM. There is nothing that says your husband HAS to meet with her, in fact to the contrary. If she says, "I really need counseling," refer her. If you don't already have a list of qualified Christian counselors in the area, compile one. Have it there, ready with you at all times. Refer her, and be firm.
If she says, "I just need prayer..." your husband needs to say, "Trace...go ahead and lead us in prayer for "Mary Jo".... (not sure of her name, for for the sake of example) Then you go ahead and lead in prayer. Anytime she mentions needing something from him, he is to defer immediately back to you.
If she says, "I really don't want to talk to Trace, I want to talk to you." He needs to come back with, "my wife ministers to the ladies of the church. I am very above reproach in my dealings and do not counsel women."
Trace, plenty of pastors do this without even having women with this woman's problem. I can tell you one...Larry Shrodes, my husband! He doesn't counsel women. He does all of the things described above. In 20 years we've had two or three women who have exhibited inappropriate behavior and he's done these things strictly and it's ultimately always worked. He's had to be firm, and then be firm some more. Set boundaries and keep them. But on a day to day basis, this is how we live and it works.
You are not unspiritual to be concerned about this woman's behavior and to detest the fact that she is going after your husband. Absolutely, protect what is yours. That's your man - let her know it.
A woman who insists on seeing just your husband for counseling is NOT looking for help; she is looking to hit on him. In the same way that I will not allow anyone with a sexual offense on their record anywhere near my kids (even if they say something like, "I've changed..." or "I was 18 and my girlfriend was 15 and her parents pressed charges." Tough luck, buddy!) In my opinion, you need to take a hard-line stance in cases like that.
Jesus forgives, but sin still has consequences, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with taking precautions!
Dh spoke w/ our district secretary today. He told dh that the woman definitely did not need to come back & that the district would back dh on this. The ministers understand. You ladies understand. Some of the church people just see the young widowed wife of 8 kids who needs her church family & not the woman whose been after dh for over 2 years.
Thanks ladies for your encouragement & prayers. I'll keep you posted. Trace
Thank God the district is with you on this. Praise God! This will make it much easier for your husband to do the right thing - and I would encourage him to tell the board or the people of the church that the district feels this is what needs to be done. It is easier for the people to be mad at the district than at him.
Update: The woman in question called yesterday to be picked up by the church van. The van driver called dh who told him not to pick her up. (Dh's viewpoint is that you can't send a letter to her asking her to find another church & still send the van to get her.) Dh tried to call her before church but she wouldn't answer the phone. She showed up right during my adult Sunday School class (which was on the realities of sin & running far away, appropriate don't ya think?) She asked the van driver what happened & that he told her that she needed to talk to pastor. B/w SS & church, Dh & I were on the platform together. She asked to speak to me (& not dh). She asked for just a few minutes to express her thanks to the church during her difficult time, funeral etc. When she did address the congregation during prayer request time, she said that this was her home church, but that she was at a crossroads. She made it out the door rather quickly after church. She didn't come last night. So, maybe she took the hint???
I was happy because my heart was right. There was no bitterness. I actually felt empathy for her. I know it may sound weird/unspiritual to be saying this, but I was really worried about my feelings toward her. I was so angry last week. I'm sure I'll still have to deal w/ her & my feelings towards her.
Thanks for your prayers. I could not have made it last week without them.
