This is not easy for me but I am hurting right now. I don't know how to sugarcoat this ladies. Part of me is bewildered and another part of me hurts so bad.
I'll give an abridged edition. Basically, my dh and I made a positional and geographical move last year. We felt led by God and had several confirmations regarding this move. We also moved based on the understanding and fact that we would continue to partner in ministry. The SP was excited about the fact that we would partner in ministry and both be involved.
FFWD to today. I was supposed to speak in my husband's class for him. Our SP is on vacation all month and dh is preaching on Sunday so as we have always done, I would teach/preach one service, he the other. Well, this afternoon dh came to me and said, "Honey, I am so sorry but SP called and you can't teach the class." Apparently if I were to teach in the sanctuary what would people think because SPW doesn't. But- she has NO desire to! And there were some other "woman" isues that dh was kind of vague on.
To be perfectly honest, I fell apart. I just burst into tears. I had worked very hard on my message. I felt like I was being told I wasn't good enough. I have been preaching and teaching for 15 years! I am a licensed, ordained minister and I am doing coursework to further my degree! I am SERIOUS about my calling and I consider it my vocation!
My heart really hurts right now. I'm not angry or bitter, really I am just hurt. I felt bad for my dh because he couldn't bear telling me. I've ministered at the Encounter Retreats we do and taught/coached our Life Group leaders sessions. The reception of the people has been wonderful. They lovingly/teasingly call dh and I "The Dynamic Duo."
I do love the church and I do love our SP and SPW. I would do anything for them and I am loyal to a fault. But my heart is heavy. I feel like a little girl who has been told she can't be the one thing she's always had in her heart to be.
Please pray for me that I will keep my heart right and not become bitter or weary in well doing- and pray that the SP and SPW will know my heart but more importantly know the heart of God relating to woman in the five fold ministry.
BTW- I couldn't let my message go to waste- I revamped it for my blog!
Oh Tara, I am so sorry. I am so, so so sorry because more than anyone here, I know your heart. (FYI, I've known Pastor Tara for years, and I realize personally her call to the ministry, her qualifications, her heart, her anointing, and so much more.) I can testify to the fact of what she is saying and many other things she hasn't said about herself that would reveal just what a powerful woman of God she is, but anyway...
I do realize this dilemma. I had it happen to me in a circumstance as an associates wife (and co-pastor with my husband in associate pastoring) in one church we served in. It is very difficult and I understand the road you are walking. When you are used to moving in this way as a full partner, and especially in preaching, it is sometimes a problem for the SP or for the SPW, or both. It may be that your SP has a problem with it and not his wife, or the other way around. In my experience, some SP's are afraid that if the APW does things like that and his wife does not, even though he is fine with it, he might think the people will get different ideas, like, "Now...why doesn't his wife do the same kinds of things as the AP's wife does?" He may feel that he will be criticized for it, like his wife should branch out and do more.
I am not saying that is right. I don't believe people should be held back in their call simply because the SPW doesn't have the same call. I am simply stating WHY some men have a problem with it. On the other hand, more often than not I have faced a problem in times past because I was so radically different from the APW's when I became SPW...the other guys were sometimes threatened because their wives were not partners in ministry such as I was, and quite frankly some people did complain about their lack of involvement. And then the guys had to deal with the fact that people may have made remarks about it.
It is a real issue, however I believe that although the SPW should be allowed to decide her level of involvement for herself, she also should not hold back others who have a call as long as they are called, anointed, and loyal as you are. I have a good friend of mine who is a SPW and she holds the view that if someone is an APW and their pastor's wife is not involved, they should hold back and not go beyond the level of the SPW because it would be "usurping her place". I DO NOT BELIEVE THAT. I think if a SPW is less involved it should not mean she holds back other's callings and if she is worried or bothered by that (or her husband is) then encourage her to rise up a little more so that others are not held back! (or get over it and let them loose to flourish.) My "friend" I mentioned is a very mature and involved SPW however she holds the view, for instance, that if she SPW is totally uninvolved and there is no ladies ministry, that if the ladies of the church desire it and the APW feels called, she should still not step up to the plate because she would be usurping the role of the SPW. I say, if she wants to lead a group or preach, let her but if not, I think it's insecurity to not allow you to do so. (Again, maybe not HER insecurity - you said she doesn't desire it. However it seems maybe her dh is the one who is afraid of what your prominence in the pulpit would reflect on his wife.) I know it's silly but sometimes ministers can be the most insecure people in the world.
HOWEVER with all that said, as you have demonstrated by your words and attitude, you can't go against them and usurp them or rebel against their authority in the matter. They have asked you not to. You have to joyfully submit, as you are doing. Your attitude is exemplary in the matter. I really admire your heart in this.
I know you have only come to this position last year, and you really enjoy it and are settling in. And now...this. It's the last thing you need. But yet the hurt is so great. You can't make a knee jerk decision. However I think you and Craig need to pray about this together (I know you already are) and seek the Lord as to how to handle it. Obviously you can't get bitter or go against your pastor but you need to ask the Lord - are you to stay or seek another call? I believe in blooming where you are planted and being an armor bearer and all that and not just running. Certainly not. However I also don't believe God wants your gifts on the shelf for years. There has to be some outlet for your gifts. You need to find it. What I would suggest is - he doesn't want you taking the pulpit Sunday. Fine. Truly it is your SP'S pulpit and I know you recognize that. He has ever right to state who he wants in that pulpit. However, what about the ministry in your own area/department? As long as you and Craig are given freedom in that area to co-pastor, I would do that with all your might. Lead those encounter retreats. When you have small group, go back and forth with teaching. If you desire to speak more, maybe see if you can teach your own SS class. I've always said, "if life doesn't give you opportunities, create them."
Tara you have known me for years now and you know I love to preach. I love to bring the Word more than anything. It will never be enough for me - it is an unquenchable thirst. I preach a lot in my church but with my love for it, it's not enough. This is why (in addition to the fact that I genuinely care about people!) I preach so much outside the church. I would encourage you to pursue this. You know how to market - I know you are good at that, I've seen your work. Get a new brochure about your speaking ministry. Send it out. Let people know you are available. Go wherever you are invited big or small and do a great job each time. (I take my speaking engagements very seriously and never, never, never look at any of them (even if I'm at a meeting with 10 people) as lesser or small. Because I realize not only is Jesus there, and not only are lives at stake, but normally even if there are only 10 people there, they are usually not just from that location. In any given place where I preach there's at least one person from another church or another pastor's wife who is a guest. My goal is to hit it out of the ballpark everytime so that that person goes back and tells their pastor (if they are are church member) or so that pastor's wife says, "WE HAVE TO GET HER TO COME TO OUR CHURCH..." Usually from every meeting I do, I get another booking right off of it. It's a domino effect. Please don't think I just do meetings to get meetings. Not at all, I do it for the love of the Lord, the Word and people. But my point is, I never take a meeting lightly, and as a result God has favored me with more than enough opportunities to preach.
Sometimes with we women preachers, even if we are the SPW it will never be enough in our own location. Look at all the famous women who are wife of the SP but preach a lot on the side. In my case I preach every single week, at least one service or gathering however...with the way I love the Word...like I said...never enough. So I've learned to maximize every opportunity whether in or out of the church. I encourage you to do the same. You are gifted, talented, and most of all you are anointed and called. Your SP is not the final word on how many times you are going to preach. Yes, he has the word as far as whether it will be in his pulpit, but not on your preaching ministry, period. So get out there and start doing it. In my case in the situation I was in prior, I was YPW and I began doing a lot of missionette events, youth events, then started branching into speaking at women's ministries events outside my church. It filled the gap that wasn't being filled in my own church.
This is just a thought. I'm just telling you what worked for me. Maybe you don't feel led that way, I'm just trying to give you the realization that there are different avenues in fulfilling your call while not usurping your pastor's authority. I love you and I'm praying for you.
THANK you! I needed everything you said. some of it was stuff I knew- but I needed to be reminded! And some it was confirmation that I needed, and some of it- just SO timely- I'd say more- but my heart is so full right now. Thank you again! Please know how much your response ministered to me!
Hey, Tara! June is finally over (it's been an INSANE month at my church!!), so I finally have time to reply.
First of all...hugs...being a woman in the ministry can be frustrating sometimes!
I agree with what Deanna said - there are ways that you can do what you're called to do and still be in submission to your pastor. For me in my last church, my husband and I really wanted to do community evangelism. That is, getting out there and really being visible in the community, showing Jesus through our lives, actions, and involvement. This has always been our heart as far as ministry goes.
My pastor was supportive of this; however, church finances and lack of enthusiasm and volunteers from the church made it impossible.
So...we used our community theatre group as a way to do this. If you've ever heard of Christian Youth Theatre (they're big here in the Chicagoland area!), we had a lot of the same goals and objectives as them. We had "kids" of all ages come back to do shows with us again and again because of the way we treated them. We had people come to Christ by being in our production of "Narnia." One actor who worked with us made a comment, "You guys are Christians? I was Catholic, but I thought I had to give up my faith to be an actor!"
We also got involved in after-school programs, teaching storytelling, mask-making, etc. to kids in the neighborhoods surrounding our homes. We used the theatre to help raise funds and draw awareness to organizations that were improving the communities.
God continually opened doors for us to do what we really had a heart to do, even though our church was not able or willing to support us.
I'll be praying for you guys...and my husband and I STILL have not gotten into Chicago (well, other than picking up people from O'Hare, but that is an evil place, and I'm sure is not representative of your city!) - we should set a time where we take the train in and get together!!
Open communication with your pastors is important. Perhaps a compromise could be made. For example, my dh and I operated like you described but only in our area of ministry. YP - We might tag-team a sermon if the church is more threatened by women preachers. That way it's not just me alone and "pushing myself" onto everyone else. That worked pretty good but it was only in our Youth Group not the whole congregation. Once we tried in the whole congregation but it was with the SP's blessing (that was as staffers). Once I taught alone, it was on the topic of biblical equality. There was some opposition even among a teen boy whom disagreed and had a more chavaunistic slant but dh backed me up and we defered them to AG paperwork re: the topic so that they could see that I am not alone in my beliefs . It worked out fine because I am not a pushy over- bearing time lady. Now, we copastoras SP's and the pulpit committee warned us when we came here 14 years ago, that the are those opposed to women pastors or women leaders. Well ....our first years here I "couldn't tell" because I was too busy with my small children and behind the scenes work. But Lord, once I stepped out into pulpit ministry and leadership roles: I was shocked! Some of the spousesof the deacons were the ones least supportive of my role, critical, and vocal too. I WAS CRUSHED>FELT SO HURT. But who it was coming out of was really the shocker! A staff person was the one to fill me in and that's when I found out that even another staffer was backbiting me and rebelling against my role. I definately understand your feelings! My mentor who is ordained with AG and in ministry 50 years told me not to "push" myself onto them and said it could even lead to a church split. I care more about unity than pushing my way . Therefore, I stepped back because I didn't want to be a part of some huge misunderstanding whereby satan would get a foothold. However, almost a decade later God has encouraged me by literally surrounding me with people who will hold me up in the place I belong. He spoke through a vision and a prophecy by two different people not connected to the situation at times my heart was crushed and I wasn't out searching for "a word"... Our home is just a little house but God knows where we live! He found me. I just had to be patient and wait for His perfect timing. The last three years have been glorious! I am a pioneer of sorts! I am getting them used to seeing women in these roles. So, update us on how it is going for you and keep your head up! Your time will come!
