Before I start, let me just say that if anyone here homeschools their kids, more power to ya! I am not trying to dis you at all - I just need to vent about an issue that seems to have come up in my church.
So yesterday, I noticed that a few of our kids weren't in kids' church (all board members' or leaders' kids, no less!). One of the families was gone, at least as far as I could tell - but when we came downstairs, we noticed two of the families still there.
With the first family, the daughter was there, so DH said, "Hey, we missed you in kids' church today." She just smiled, and dad said, "She was with us today." Okay. Whatever. I usually just let that blow over, because kids go through phases, or they get it in their head that today they're going to start going to "big church." I did the same as a kid, and I usually lasted about one Sunday before heading back to kids' church.
So we go up to the other board member to talk about something else, and again said, "We missed your kids today." Again, we were met with "They were with me today," only this time a little more defensive sounding. He continued that he and his wife decided that they had forgotten about some altars they'd built together as a family (huh?) and were going to start doing what they knew was right and that if they were there for BOTH services, their kids could come to kids' church for one of them, but from now on if they're only going to be there for one service, they're going to sit in adult church with their parents.
Both of the above families went to a homeschool convention this past weekend, along with the third family who wasn't in church at all yesterday. Who knows who else went to it - we have quite a few homeschooling families in our church!
So apparently they were all taught at this convention the very typical fundamentalist hype that kids belong with their families in "real" church, and that no one else should be influencing them spiritually.
Do I take this personally? Trying not to - but I can't afford to be boycotted like that by people who are leaders in the church. Even if it's only one or two kids, other people in the church could possibly see that some of our board members aren't sending their kids to kids' church - is there something wrong with the program? These families have influence in our church - people look up to them, and up until yesterday, I thought they were some of my biggest supporters.
I definitely plan to talk to my SP about this when I get back into the office. Hopefully this is just some "trend" that they're all fired up about right now and will fizzle out in a month or two. If not, I am still thinking about my next step...
Several years ago I wrote an article for a major publication on alternatives to educate. In researching the article, I visited people who homeschooled, sent their kids to public school, and parents who opted for private or Christian schools. My article was well balanced, however, after the it appeared in print I received negative remarks from homeschol and Christian school parents because I had included public school in my article!
I continue to be a homeschool advocate, but what I'm hearing from you is terribly frightening. Our children will live in the world, not isolated from it, so we need to teach them that life isn't all Mommy and Daddy and nice people.
And learning to worship as children--like children, not like little adults-- is so important.
I'd like to hear again after you have talked with SP.
I know exactly what you are talking about and I think it's very scary too...
We used to have quite a few families just like you describe, but none of them come to our church anymore, probably largely because dh and I are not like that AT ALL nor do we support that kind of behavior.
I have learned something though - not all homeschoolers are the same. There are definitely a large segment of them that exhibit this quirky behavior, HOWEVER - not all are like this.
We now have a few homeschooling families in our church but NONE like this. These families we now have in our church have proven to me that homeschoolers can be balanced, so much so that I would even consider doing it if the Lord so directed me. (I used to be vehemently against it, and yes, I had tried it - for a year...) I saw all that you described and it turned me off so much that I absolutely could not stand the thought of homeschooling. I thought they were all freaks to be quite honest, based on what I saw.
Then these few families that we now have came into our church and to be honest they are among the people I enjoy being around most! One of them is Savanna's best friend and her family and we teasingly call her "Savanna Shrodes Hart" because she is with the Hart family so much. Believe it or not, I even considered letting Mrs. Hart homeschool her because she just loved it over there so much and when she would go over there (and she had off school and they were still doing their lessons) she would do lessons with them and just loved it.
We also have another homeschooling family that Larry and I spent the day with yesterday after church. They are so awesome. And, get this -- they have come in and started working as workers in the children's church - their thing is puppet ministry - and they have been the biggest blessing to our CP. He is crazy about them and so are we.
These two families have proven to me that all are not the same and that I have to take each family individually as they come. These two families are void of that "jugmental self righteous attitude" that you speak of.
Also, there is a PW here in FL, in fact she comes to this website sometimes, and I am friends with her and she is a homeschooler and she is nothing like this.
So I just tell you this - these families evidently went to some militant homeschool convention, as I call it, and been unfortunately indoctrinated by someone unbalanced. Hopefully your SP will see eye to eye with you and may be able to gently speak some truth here or as you say, this will fade away in a matter of weeks.
I feel for you. This is difficult. One of the flaky families we used to have left because they said we "did not share the same values." I said, "what values are you talking about?" They meant family values. Evidently dh and I did not have family values. Okay.....................that really frosted my flakes. We love our children. Our children are very involved in ministry and love the Lord. Our children are raised in the houes of the Lord. Where are the family values missing that they speak of? It's that we don't smush our children down and smother them and keep them from ministry aside from us. We allow our CP and YP to speak into their lives, their SS teachers, etc. we WELCOME and INVITE their involvement. This is what makes us anti-family values?
I will pray for you, Puppetmaster, I know what you are going through. I just encourage you, don't be so scared of homeschoolers that you might miss a blessing someday because I sure would have, had I not been open to give these new families a chance.
PM, It can be very tough to understand homeschoolers. Homeschooling is not just an educational choice, it is a lifestyle. As I have said before, many families believe that because the primary affections should be to those in the family unit, this means until a certain level of age or development, the parents prefer to have the kids with them most of the time. This can be done successfuly, even though it can be off putting to others who want to spend time with them like at church, for instance. There are also families who believe that it's best to let the kids socialize outside the bubble of the family at church since it is a safe environment in which to practice social skills. I am in both camps. (to a degree) Meaning that I am selective about how much time the girls spend with others, but we do encourage it at this stage. When my kids were little though, I prefered they stayed with me and did not allow sleepovers until 9 or 10. (unless there was some family emergency) PM, I see what you are saying about childrens' worship, and as far as I know, all the homeschooled kids in our church, including my own, attend it. I think this convention likely taught something about worshiping as a family, so, sit together Sunday night. If these kids are young, like 8 or younger, I'd encourage you to be understanding about the bond this family is trying to hold on to. But, I do think at some point, since church is a safe and somewhat controlled environment, it's a good place and time for families like ours to allow the kids space to make other relationships that will serve not only them, but the church's future. The kids today are the leaders in 20 years. While strong families are the center of a good church, these future leaders need to begin building relationships with eachother at some point. Also, I think a good children's worship leader is crucial to teach the doctrine that not all parents have time to get to. So, I do see both sides, but I use children's worship becuase we feel it's a help to our family, not a hinderance. Try not to get down about this, and please try not to judge this family's reaction as a personal attack on your ministry. I am sure they love you... With Great Love, Lori
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...... Then they came for the Catholics, and I was a Protestant, so I never said anything. And then, they came for ME, and there was no one left to speak up. Martin Neimoller, German Pastor, WW2
Well, I talked to my SP about this during staff meeting today. His advice was that we let them do their thing quietly - he's fine with letting them do this (for however long their resolve from the convention lasts!!) as long as they make it clear that this was their personal decision as a family and don't try to influence other families to do the same - and as long as they don't loudly proclaim, "I don't send MY kids to children's/youth ministries (one of the families in question also does not send their teenagers to youth service due to the fact that youth group falls on their "family night."). He said that he'd watch the situation carefully and take action if needed.
He also said not to take it personally, and that he has not heard one negative thing about children's ministry in almost a year of my being there - and, as he said, "If people have a problem, they WILL talk, so I'd take that as a very good sign!" It just comes down to a couple of families who feel that it is their sole responsibility to spiritually influence their kids, and that the whole family belongs together on Sundays.
Now, for my personal opinion on this matter: I am not saying this because I am a children's pastor, and would be "out of a job" if there was no children's ministry. I am fully capable of making a living in many venues, and I have confidence that God would find something for me to do should children's ministry be completely wiped off the map .
But as a former child/teenager who participated wholeheartedly in children's and youth ministries, I cannot even begin to tell you how many people spoke into my life besides my immediate family. My mom was and is the #1 spiritual influence in my life, but she did not become such by completely sequestering me from all other possible influences. If the youth pastor said something I disagreed with...I'd go to my mom (who would usually back him, because I was basically trying to find an excuse not to respond to God's word, lol!!). If I learned something really cool in Sunday School or children's church, I'd come home and tell the rest of the family about it.
The lines of communication were always kept open in my house. Even when I went to college and started questioning what the Bible REALLY said about different issues...tithing...homosexuality...speaking in tongues...whatever...it was my mom who'd send me Scripture passages and articles through the mail after a heated debate on the phone.
I believe that it is possible to have balance - to allow your kids to be involved in worship at their own level and still spend time instilling values in them and being the primary spiritual influence in their lives. I don't believe it's an "all or nothing" approach to life, and I personally want my future kids' lives to be spoken into by godly men and women other than myself. That's my $.02, anyway!!
Let me brag on your ministry a bit here PM....One of the proudest moments in my life was a recent Sunday night when Donna Joy, who as you know is very ill and is only here by the grace of God, and my youngest, Shaylah gave an awsome performance on the church drama team....you know that black light stuff? She also stood with her friends from GA's and at least tried to do the Bible drills in front of the church. I just wanted to cry tears of joy all over the place! I will always be grateful to our children's ministry team for that memory. I can't tell you how much it meant to us to see her on stage with all the other kids carrying her own part in the show....Deanna and I used to be in the same theatre company, I'm sure she knows what a thrill this had to be for me! I never would have had that moment had I not encouraged the girls to join the drama ministry. And that's my 2 cents! Lori
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...... Then they came for the Catholics, and I was a Protestant, so I never said anything. And then, they came for ME, and there was no one left to speak up. Martin Neimoller, German Pastor, WW2
First off Im a homeshooler and my husband and I firmly believe in our kids getting to know people other than mom and dad. We realize that they must have activity outside the home in order for them to grow up and function correctly as teens, young adults and then adults. I don't want them isolated from the world so I try to get them involved in as many outside activities as possible (with Godly morals of course).
I did'nt realize some parents isolate their kids from the real world (I guess because I'm early into this), Im sure that this is frustrating and I pray that it's resolved quickly. Sometimes as parents we believe that we're doing what's good for our kids and in reality we're doing more harm than good, especially when we act on ungodly advice. I will keep this situation in prayer. God bless
I definitely don't want to give the impression that I'm against all homeschoolers. I've met some wonderful people who homeschool, and even the ones I'm having issues with right now are, at the core, great people who are sincerely trying to do what they feel is the right thing for their families. I personally don't agree with them (and neither does my SP!), but I have 120+ other kids that need me to minister to them. If these parents do not want me pastoring their children (and I know it's not a personal thing, but that's what it comes down to - they want to be the primary spiritual influence in their kids' lives!), that leaves me more time to pastor the other kids who are still there!
This is not a case of how I should "leave the 99 to go after the one," as in the parable, because these kids and families are not lost. So I'll just go and and keep doing what I do and keep trying to get even better at it, and I have every confidence that we'll see amazing results in spite of a couple of families who have chosen not to participate!
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I never would have had that moment had I not encouraged the girls to join the drama ministry. And that's my 2 cents! Lori
