I'm in need of some wise council and I know that many of you have probably been where I am and could really shed a little light on this situation. There is a young lady at our church who has really been through a lot in such a short life-time and she is constantly in need of council or advice, to the point where she even wants my husband and I to tell her the decisions she should make about some things. She has no Christian background and has been with us at the church about 2 yrs now. My heart goes out to her and I want to help her but I feel that when I read her e-mails, she requires such a consentrated reply that it is almost draining me. This is a continual thing, not just an occasional question. She has mentioned before that she would like to have my life (if she only knew...smile) and that she always wanted to marry a pastor etc...Her latest question is who do we (my DH and myself) see her as? Our reply was a spiritual daughter whom we care for just as any of our other members. That apparantly has not answered her question and she would like a less "spiritual" answer.
Could someone please tell me what to do...? Now I'm the one in need of council....
You have handled this in just the right way, in my opinion. I've been there several times before and have navigated this issue sometimes successfully, sometimes not. In my opinion, the key to effectiveness in a matter like this is BOUNDARIES. The enemy can come in and use these types of situations to torpedo us because he knows we have a heart as big as all outdoors to help people. So sometimes, we ignore the "warning signs" that the Holy Spirit is giving us, in order to help people. Only we end up with bigger problems.
There is a discernment that God gives you to know where to appropriate your time...who to pour yourself into. Some people need more than we can give. I always ask the Lord to help me to discern quickly...does someone just need a little motherly encouragement, a Word of wisdom here and there, a mentor, or do they need serious all out Christian psychological therapy? If they do, I have the referrals ready. I keep these close at hand and let people know...I'll be your pastor, I'll pray for you, I'll love you, but I'm not a therapist. Sometimes the most spiritual thing we can do is refer people.
I have a young women's mentoring group at my church (The Titus Project) and I am willing to absolutely pour myself out on behalf of those girls (I don't have any "dangerous" one as we might say, or ones that are emotionally disturbed). But there have been a few times that I have been approached by women who exhibit the behavior you describe. (Long e-mails needing long responses...and if you don't answer quick enough or long enough they wonder..."why??"...also the question, "How do you see me?" I've gotten that one before too. And my opinion on it is this...the people asking this question are asking it because they know they have issues. And they are "afraid" that you see that! I respond just as you did..."we see you as we do any member of the flock that we have been entrusted by God to pastor..." and you are right...they don't like that answer. But it's one you have to give. What are you going to say? "I see you as an extremely needy woman who is high maintenance and has serious unresolved issues in your life."??????? No, you can't say that. The next thing you know she'd not only explode on you, she'd tell anyone in the church within earshot.
Sis, in my humble opinion you need to have boundaries with this young woman. Keep doing EXACTLY what you're doing, and it wouldn't hurt to give her the name/number of a Christian counselor and tell her, "Because I care about you so much, I want to make sure you get exactly what you need. I am equipped to be a minister, and give you wise counsel, but sometimes we need more." Give her the number. Let her know you are there to pray for her and care for her as anyone else in the flock, but for these deeper issues, she needs another source.
You have not said what the issues are...(and I don't need to know) but I would be willing to bet that this young woman has a terrible relationship with her mother, and she is looking to you to fill her with everything she missed out on. Don't misunderstand me, we are called to be spiritual mothers, and we do fill a very real gap especially in this broken world we live in today. But the facts are: we have many to minister to and cannot concentrate all of our time with one. And second, some do need more than we could ever provide.
It's so nice to hear a confirmation. In my heart, I guess I knew what the right approach was but still I questionned myself b/c of not wanting to disappoint God. This young lady's issues are so much more than could be expressed in one e-mail, but her most major problem right now is an eating disorder, Anorexia. She apparantly has battled with this for a very long time, since childhood.
I am always breathing a word of prayer for her whenever the Holy Spirit brings her to my mind.
I am very grateful to you for your response. It means more than you know.
In my opinion, Anorexia requires the help of an outside counselor to help this young lady walk through treatment succesfully especially if she has dealt with this from childhood. I do believe in the miraculous healing power of God and I do believe you need to lay hands on this young lady and pray for her. But it's a good idea for her to seek treatment for support/accountability with those who can get to the root issues of this disorder in her life so that it doesn' t happen again.
I will be praying for you as you come to mind...in dealing with this very serious issue and ministering to this young woman.
