it's been a long time since i've posted anything but i was wondering if any of you could give me some advice as to what to do about a situation with my 13yr. old daughter. i'm really overwhelmed right now and absolutely have no clue as to how to handle this.
My husband and I are in full time ministry and have 2 girls, 13 & 11 (almost 12 as she likes to say). I have tried to be there for my girls all the time...I mean I adore them and my life revolves around their world. They both go to a Christian school doing the ACE Program and the school only has about 35 students from grades 2 thru 10. They both like school as much as can be liked at this age.
I've had my suspicions about my daughter (13) for some time now with regard to her lying to us about some things. We confront her in love and have asked point blank about some of the instances. She always adamently denies it and has accused us of not trusting her (I know, it's a common thread) but in trying to give her the benefit of the doubt because we've not been actually able to prove she lied, we've chosen to believe her, always reminding her that we love her but we will not tolerate lying.
Well, if you don't mind, I'd like to share a couple of the instances with you before I tell you the most recent thing,so you could get a good idea of what I'm talking about. One thing, last year was that she was accused of "cutting". One of the teachers brought it to my attention and also her sister told me that she had heard from another student that my daughter was bragging about it. A professional christian councelor (who's kid goes to the school) was asked to talk with my dd and asked to look at the marks on her arms. The lady spoke to me and said she could not see that the marks were related to "cutting". My husband and I of course talked to dd and could see some marks on her arms to which she had a reasonable explanation. However we still took away the bracelets she used to wear and kept a close eye for any new marks. We haven't seen anything since. Of course she completely denied it and cried like a baby because she said she was so hurt that we would actually think she would do something like that. Well....we got thru that episode and from time to time, I still check her arms and legs when she's not looking.
Second thing to mention...I found a piece of paper on the bathroom floor that fell out of her pants pocket unknown to her and I read it. There was some really terrible things on the paper...such her speaking about her ownself with regard to her friend telling her to "get laid" and the "F" word used in regard to having to do the Terry Fox Run. I hope I'm not being offensive. I'm really trying to share as much info as possible without being rude. So again, I approached her and told her that I was very hurt and disappointed to find a note like that on the bathroom floor. She started crying and saying it wasn't her that wrote the note, it was her friend. And that she tells her friend not to use that language but her friend won't listen. She even said, "Mom you can ask her" if her friend wrote the note....So again I let it go and told her she could no longer go over to that friend's house anymore or at least for a long time. (she only has a couple of friends at the school that she hangs around with, so now we're down to 1)
okay...here's the dilema...i've been suspicious of her lying, but as i said, I can never prove it. So I did something that many of you may find terribly appalling...I found her diary and read it. Let me tell you, I was not prepared to find what I found in there. She uses a lot of terrible language. She's made reference to her getting "high" with her friend when she was at her friend's house. She even said at one point that her and her cousin were having sex with the pillows and then made reference to her other (1) friend and her doing "something" together when she slept over at her friend's house. I must mention that her friend's parents are professing born again Christians, so I thought that it would be okay for her to have a sleepover. WOW!!! I just don't know. The things she says about boys are the normal, "he's so cute" etc. So now I have all this information and I don't know what to do with it. I mean we have a very good relationship with our daughters for the most part. They are very open when talking about boys they like etc. But obviously there's lots she's not telling us, like how she talked about getting drunk.
I just don't know...Should I just let it go and if not how do I bring it up. I've tried to throw questions at her to get a response without letting her know that I know things. But she always responds with an "I'd never be stupid enough to do drugs mom" for example. I know if I confront her with her diary/journal that she's going to be extremely upset, and will deny actually having done any of the things she's said. She'll just say oh mom, i don't know why I wrote it, it was just stupid, I would never actually do it" That's what she'd say.
But she's 13!!!
Please ladies I really need your input. I have no-one except my husband, who is going to be just as baffled as me when he reads what she's written. I can't talk to family and I can't tell my pastor's wife/friend b/c she's in a different place in her life. I certainly can't talk to any of my members. Am I making too much of this, or not enough???? I honestly don't want to sound like the dumb mom here and if it were anyone else's kid, I could probably really offer some objective advice, but right now...I'm hurt, I'm shocked, I'm confused...everything....
First, I don't find it appalling that you read the diary. In my opinion, God gives us our kids to raise and to make decision for until they are old enough (majority age) to make them on their own. I don't believe teens are necessarily entitled to a private life. Yes, privacy to do things like get dressed (modesty, etc.) but not to just do anything they want to do, say anything they want to say. My husband and I have our kids computer passwords, we check their myspace accounts, etc. If we see something inappropriate, they don't keep that person on their friends list on myspace and we don't allow them to go over to their house. Fortunately my kids have friends who are from church where I know the parents well and all that and those are the only ones they spend the night with. I realize this is not failproof -- as you see what happened to you and it can happen to anyone. We can only do the best we can do. There have been questionable kids at church and in those cases, those kids have to come to my house and I don't allow my kids to go over there.
I believe you need to nip this in the bud asap. She is only 13 but things can spiral completely out of control the next few years if you don't deal with this strongly. I would get her into counseling asap, and preferably someone she can meet with, and then you as a family can meet with. I would do an "intervention" of sorts. Maybe even give the diary to the counselor...then meet together. I know this will be controversial with some and not everyone would agree with me, certainly. Just telling you what I would do. These are your kids, and you can't mess around.
Your kids have only 2 parents but lots of friends. You aren't called to be their buddy or friend but their leader. Don't worry if they hate you right now. They'll thank you for it later. Kids really ARE NOT looking for a friend in their parent, they are looking for a leader. Too many parents are worried about their kids not liking them. My kids hate me plenty of times for punishing them or standing my ground on something. So what, let them hate me for now. God didn't call me to win a popularity contest with them, but to be their mother and oversee their lives at this point. One day they will have to make their own decisions - that day has not come yet.
I have to scoot off to church but I'll write more later to you on this. Most of all I'll be in prayer for you. I know your heart is broken and I understand why. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and just know you are not alone. All of our kids have struggles now and then.
thank you so much Deanna. I just needed to hear someone say what I wanted to do in my heart. I'm looking forward to hearing some more of your input. I gotta run and go to church too.
I agree - parental intervention is a must! I'm not a parent of a teenager, but I am a former teenager!
When I was about 15 years old, I got it into my head that I needed to lose weight. I probably could have stood to take off about 10 pounds, but at that age, all you really need to do for that is cut out dessert or run around the block a few times.
Since most of my friends were super small (we're talking size 2's and 4's!), I saw myself as a giant at size 10-12, and started obsessing over my. I took laxatives and diet pills...exercised constantly...and was always "on a diet." The pills I took caused major stomach problems (obviously!) and insomnia.
Had my mom decided to just be my "pal" and ignore the obvious changes...like all my pants getting baggy...me going for an hour-long bike ride at 5:00 am (when I was normally a perpetual oversleeper!), I could have ended up seriously ill or dead. But she went into my room, dug through my stuff, and found the laxatives and diet pills I'd been hiding. She called me on it - as PD said, "nipped it in the bud" before it became a serious problem.
Just wanted to share my story and say that my mom's "snooping" probably saved my life. I fully encourage and endorse snooping and confronting!!!
I can honestly say that one of my greatest hurts toward my mother was something she did NOT intervene on. At 15 I was seeing a man old enough to be my dad at that time (I know now it was illegal, didnt then) and I wanted out but felt powerless to break it off. My mom knew about it but said or did nothing. I never understood why she would not make me get out of that kind of bad situation. She seemed to believe me when I lied about having to go to the dr. for pregnancy test (thank God it was mono. I told her dr. said it was routine to do pregnancy test to be sure. Such a lie.) But she knew. I found out later she knew. And I was hurt. I would have been mad and had my teenager hissy fit but deep down I would have thanked her for it later on. I longed to get in trouble really becuase I wanted out of it. Now I am not saying your daughter is in that deep of a problem. But am echoing the fact she will thank you later. She mad be mad now but it wont last forever. But if you do nothing and let it go, it could get worse. Some of what she may be doing may be normal sexual curiosity at that age. I wouldnt recommend freaking out if you find she is masturbating or talking about things like that with her friends. But if she is doing things with them, its different. Maybe alot of it really is just talk and she isnt doing it. Do call her on it and confront her but clearly explain WHY these things arent good. Because it is a tough age and the curiosity is there. (I think especially for those from good christian homes.) Often kids want to see what is so bad about what they are being sheltered from. But I am confident that if I had had my mother talk straight to me and be alittle tough I would have chosen better. She never talked to me about sex. She never explained why it was not a good idea at that age and before marriage. Totally recommend talking to her frankly. She will thank you later. And you can know you did the right thing. Wouldnt be a bad idea to read and have her read "Kissed the Girls and made them Cry" by Lisa Bevere either. (Had one friend with a sneaking out the window teenager make her daughter read it out loud to her as part of her punishment, but it actually helped her talk about it) I wish I had when I was younger. Will be praying for you. With a mom that cares as much as it sounds like you do, she will come thru ok and GOd will move for you two.
Everyday purpose to listen to her, demonstrate love to her (i.e. eye contact, hug, encouraging words, etc.) Listen, Listen, Listen without getting reactive no matter what she is saying. Prepare yourself for the worst so you can lead (like Deanna said). If emotions seem to be rising, call a time-out for both and resume conversation later. Write down the most important things to be discussed.
Give her outlined steps she can do to earn your trust again; so she'll see light at the end of the tunnel and have hope. "Spot Check" on occasion by popping in where she's supposed to be , to see if she's doing what she's supposed to be doing. This will be a normal routine and she'll be "accountable" . Therefore, she'll think before breaking her word. Get in writing, because you love her, information on: Who? What? Where? When? Have a rule where she is to call if plans are changed. You need to get to know all new friends. We never have been real big on sleepovers unless there is going to be active supervision by an adult and I prefer a "lights out" time so the kids are not getting into trouble while the adult is sleeping.
Do you consider her a strong-willed child? Or headed out of control? There's a program that's been on the news, is based in Fla. and it's focus is on changing destructive adolescent behaviors. It's connected with the Parent Project 909 930 1901, or Glenn 1 877 4MomDad. It is a big committement but if it's available in your area, it is morally based and intuitive to the teen electronic culture, music, etc. I have not personally implemented it completely but I do have the info. There are support groups and the one's here are often at churches.
I have a 15 year old teenage daughter. Yes they lie. And they are very good at it. VERY BOLD IN THEIR LIES. It's always someone else.
Her being 13 and in middle school was hell for us. She fought being a Christian. Wanted to do her own thing. We could feel her trying to pull away from us but we wouldn't let her. We prayed together even though she would roll her eyes and suck her teeth. Didn't matter.
Now that's she's in high school and living for the Lord (she's still a teenager though!) we're finding out just how far those lies went. She's horribly ashamed of it all now and tells others "don't go where I've been."
It took a lot of prayer, it took us staying on her case, it took us asking questions and verifying answers.
We recently installed parent spyware on her computer so we know exactly what's going on. Thankfully the scare we had a few months ago proved to be harmless. And she's come clean on some things and is really pursuing her faith. But it was a long hard road to get here! And we're not out of the woods yet! Boys and hormones are a struggle.
So what would I do? Institute a family prayer time if you don't already have one and include all the kids in it! I mean outright intercession! Install a parent spyware on the computer -- it records IMs, emails, passwords, all sites visited, etc. Spend some one-on-one time with her, speak into her life, tell her what she shall be...what God thinks of her and the plans He has for her.
I'd watch her more carefully, definitely no more sleepovers, and maybe recoil some of the rope/freedom she has temporarily.
From one mother of a teenage daughter to another...Be encouraged. Your family is my prayers.
Hi, I'm kinda new to this chat stuff but I felt I should reply to this. I'm on the other side of where you are going with your girls. I have 2 daughters who are now 20 & 23. Both are attending an Assembly of God College and headed for the ministry. They both gave us some very difficult years during their teen years. They always attended public schools and were very active in sports. (cheering & soccer) They contended with extreme peer pressure and at times made some very wrong choices. We loved them through their failures and taught them that the only way to lose at life is never to try again. God gives second chances.
One observation I have about teenagers is that they are always looking for the unconditional love. Will you love them when they lie, swear, cheat, etc. My girls seemed to test our love for them constantly. Teens are so insecure about themselves they are seeking the love & attention of whoever will give it to them. They need to be verbally told everyday that they are loved.
There were times when our daughters hated being PKs. They hated some of the attitudes in the church and felt church people weren't real. (They were right at times.) There were times when they didn't want to go to church. We had a very strict rule about church; when the doors were open we were there. Our girls can count on 1 hand how many times they were allowed to miss church. Church came before sports. Our youngest daughter was on the varsity cheering team all 4 years of high school but the coach knew that our daughter would not be at practice if she had it on a Sunday. We had had a fight with our daughter about church attendance one Sunday and she knew she had better be there. We lived across the parking lot of the church in the parsonage and my husband & I always went early to church to prepare. I was praying about our daughter and whether or not she would show up. She had said she would not. Well, she did show up however, she was wearing shorts and sandles. This was in the middle of winter with 3 feet of snow on the ground. I knew she was expressing her rebellion about being there and expected me to send her home. I didn't say a word about her clothing, but rewarded her for being there, put my arms around her and smiled at her and hugged her. The church people made some comments but I reminded them that the more important thing was that she was there. (Never let your child know if you are embarrased by them in front of the church people) We had church as usual, God moved in a wonderful way and my daughter apologized for her attitude at the end of the service. During church another 1/2 foot of snow had fallen and my daughter wanted me to go get the car and drive her across the parking lot. I reminded her that she dressed herself and she had walked across the parking lot before church and she could walk across the parking lot after church, however, I would walk ahead of her and she could walk in my footsteps and so she did.
Teens will definately turn your hair grey!! But now I have a very wonderful relationship with my daughters. Its more than just a mother/daughter relationship. Its a mother/daughter/friend relationship. I am enjoying this time in our lives.
The main thing that got us through. PRAYER!!! I spent many many nights on my knees for my girls. And I prayed in their bedrooms during the day when they were at school, that the Spirit of God would be the main influence in their lives. (Yes, I also searched their rooms and they never knew it.)
Hang in there, God will bring you through the teen years.
