Ok. This is may get long but I need to get a few thoughts off my chest.
I am in my third trimester now. We have 12 weeks until our new baby gets here. I am in for a crazy season with the holidays and getting ready for new baby all at the same time. I am working on freezing meals starting next week and making halloween costumes and making christmas presents. I plan on decorating my house for christmas before thanksgiving since my family comes here for thanksgiving (this year it may be different with MIL/FIL not doing great)and we go there for christmas. (That way they get to see my house decorated) So I will have all that done by December its just my energy level to conquer all this is low and will only get lower as my body is begging to be delivered in that final stretch. I am trying to FLY and using my holiday planner and creating a section for "Getting ready for Gabby" stuff. I have bought nothing. No diapers. No bed. No nothing. Still got all that to do before Christmas. Along with the money needed to do CHristmas. No local church home to give me a shower. Church back home may or may not offer. They have not supported us one ioda. NOt one dime since we lost our church. (That's another post though.) we have really been disappointed in our pastor. Hurt is more like it. Deeply hurt. So we expect nothing from them. Dh came to the area to preach for another church there and former pastor (FP) got aggravated and accused us of "flying under the radar" and that ticked me off. I didnt know there was a radar in the kingdom. He got the same email as everyone else and yet he acts like he deserves some special phone call...to get his permission. Needless to say I realize I am very hurt and mad at this guy (FP) and dh is just getting hurt though he won't admit it much. Keeps trying to push on but I know deep down it is hurting him. I can tell.
We have in the past two months picked up ONE regular supporter for our evangelistic ministry. All the traveling has barely paid for itself. DH is working the rest of the time in sales to make our ends meet. It has been tough. We had a few gifts from friends that helped keep lights and water on. And now the holidays are coming. DH has gone to selling advertising for a local tv station back home and is making better money but it will expire after christmas when the advertisers stop buying. So we are milking it for all we can in the next few months. Means he is having to stay gone four days out of the week. We were having to do this with one vehicle. (DH's car was in shop, friends gave us $700 to have it repaired, two days later it burned to the ground in Memphis, tn on the interstate, DH made it out ok thank God!) No insurance though so we are having to BUY a car on credit with the guy who fixed the other one (he is cutting a good deal since he feels slightly responsible--christian guy so dh is trying to work with him) but being pregnant, afoot for days at a time, and dependent on goodness of neighbors has been stressful. We are back to two vehicles so that is better. Bills are all caught up (mostly) and we are back on track. Thank you Jesus!!
We have friends and loved ones back home that are all but begging dh to come start a church there. We will be making an enemy of our former pastor if we do this. He has let it be known through his derrogative remarks about us and to us. And it is clearly jealousy. Insecurity. We have been gone for almost two years and we are open to what ever God wants us to do. But I am scared of taking this on. I dont know if I want this guy as an enemy. UNless God moved in his heart, he would hate us. (Doesnt like me as it is. Stood up to him on a doctrianl issue and has not liked me since). So dh is 32 and is ready to get somewhere and do something!!! FL did not pan out for us for the church. THey wanted an assembly guy (which we were willing to get credentials--no problem there. I think just usual poilitics.) TV station still wants him to come and do programming there after first of the year and try to syndicate. We are excited about that. Dh knows he wants to pastor a group. He wants to do television too. He enjoys traveling but desires a place for our kids to thrive and grow into their calling as well. He wants a place where I can grow and learn to lead. And I do too. This is a maturity in him from ten years ago where all he thought about was traveling. So he has narrowed down what he wants to do. He wants a group to pour into and watch grow in God. (Pastoring huh?) and he wants to do television. We just don''t know where. And its hard on me to entertain the thoughts of moving when I know I am about to have a baby and just am trying to survive the next few months. My vision is short sided I know. I try to explain to him how much security and no change means to me right now but it is hard for him to uinderstand so I try to not say much. But it does aggravate me, Why can't we jsut hear GOd already!! Why is it so hard for us to get into full time ministry?! It seems to work for everyone but us! ANd hearing him kick so many ideas around just stresses me out. We are such partners though I wouldnt dare say to him "just figure it out and let me know what you decide" though I feel like it sometimes.
I dont want another bum move like we had here. It saved our marriage and was definately used by GOd but dh is at a point he is either going to find his place that he can give himself entirely to or he will go to work in the secular field. But he is ready to succeed somewhere. I can only imagine what that must be like as a man to have your third coming and when people ask you what your doing these days you dont know quite how to answer. You want to snap off and say "trying to hear God!" So he has to go into the whole spill of how he is traveling and working too and he has a complex about that. Cause he is ready to do ONE thing and that is ministry.
We had the conversation the other day about me not traveling with him anymore. I told him I am just as content right now in this season (new breastfeeding baby and kids in school) to stay home and do behind the scenes stuff. At first he didnt see it. But after I poured my heart out to him he does. I see I long for a church home too. I mean we go to a church about 40 miles away when he is home but me and the kids dont make the drive by ourselves. (Little Rock AR is busy) And we havent like the spiritual atmosphere of any of the churches here enough to go to one and so while we attend a church, we dont have a church family. And I miss having that. We know our kids are at a prime, influencial period in their young lives and we want to maximize that but it seems like time is just ticking off and we still dont have direction) My FP made our church back home hard for us (working my dh like crazy and telling him I wasnt ministry material and I was going to destroy his ministry. He had no clue iwas suffering from depression to the degree I was.) but I loved the people and I miss it so I know if GOd gave us a church it would grow on me. But where? When? HOw?
I am so bogged down with just trying to keep the house clean and getting ready for the baby and regular life (school work and dh ministry work) that I hardly ever think about having a call myself. Dh longs for that for me. He wants to see me grow into that. (First we need a place to minsiter) I am losing myself. I am in survival mode not thriving mode. And I feel like I dont have the energy to fight! Physically this baby has been the hardest to carry. Been on bed rest twice. Pelvic pressure and cramping is worrisome to me and them. I have to lay down frequently for 15 minutes at a time. I have not gained weight. So that's ok. (Dr. said so since I gained alot a few months back) Baby is getting big and healthy and I love her so much already. On one hand, I am ready for her to get here and life get to normal. But with everyday that passes I feel my self worrying "can I do this?" Am I gonna be a good mom to another kid?! What have we done! (Having Braxton Hicks right at this moment. Excuse me a moment. Ok I'm back) and I am fighting anxiety about it. I am scattered and unorganized as it is. Now I have another one coming! I want to be the best mom in the world. Does it work out ok? Please, those with more than two let me know it will be ok?! This is just a phase and season aint it? With all this insecurity and anxiety about my own capacity to just be a decent wife/mother/housekeeper, I think who am I kidding to think I can lead anyone anyway. God must be crazy to have picked me for some kind of leadership role! And to be honest, my Bible reading/studying habits are struggling to keep up. My mental energy is being spent as much as my physical. This must be a smart baby cause she is sucking up my brain cells! haha I love God but my passion for revival and all that sort of thing has been dampened to just surviving and trying to figure out what to do with our lives! On top of that, the emotional days are hitting me here and there and all I know to do is pour my heart out before God and vent to him. Up one minute down the next. And I know its hormones. But dh has the guts to ask the other day if I was praying and still trying to grow in God (not those words, he didnt mean harm) but it did hurt at the moment and I just said nothing. Then thru tears I told him I pour my heart out before GOd, the good, bad and the ugly. That's all I know to do during this season. Sometimes I hear him back. Most times I dont. But I felt attacked for not "acting" or "talking" spiritual. I have alot on my mind that I just dont think dh understands or deems as important as what's on his mind. But it matters to God right? He cares about what I care about? that's all this trivial temporary stuff like holidays, money and prenatal visits right?
One good thing about hormones is the 'ol drive (uh hum...know what I mean) is UP! But then I get all anxious about it dropping after the baby and hurting dh feelings and I start worrying about not getting to have a normal sex life with three kids. Not true is it...I mean with time we will get to resume a normal life wont we?
I am getting my tubes tied after delivery. Dh was too chicken to have his "tool" fixed. So I am. (cant really trust the pill now can I?) Plus I am done. Three is my limit. Carrying this one has been hard and I want to be done by thirty. We will have a trinity of Stafford girls. (Gabriella Faith incase I forgot to tell you we picked out a name) calling her Gabby. She is very active already!!
Oh ladies. I just needed to talk. I am feeling a little better. I have no one (besides God) to talk to. My bf is a wonderful person. But she only undesrtands me so far because she isnt married to a preacher and I cant share alot of things with her like that. She is clueless about ministry stuff and church poilitics and all that jazz. DH isnt a woman (thank God!) so he is clueless on some things. I just needed an ear today. Sorry if it got bogged down. Need to go get in line to pick up dd from school. Get supper done and house picked up before dh comes home tonight. (Been gone since Monday morning!) I miss my coffee!!!!
I'm glad you feel better now. You're right, sometimes we just need to get it off our chest.
I know it's difficult to think about a move, but where you are you are just in limbo anyway. I think you should open yourself up to wherever God may want to take you, and stay in steadfast prayer for him to lead and direct you. If you want to go into FT ministry I believe He will open up a place for you if you are willing to abandon to His call and go.
I know you don't enjoy a move - I don't either. But is a move worse than the back and forth up and down you are dealing with right now? You are not comfortable right now.
I think a fresh start would be very, very good for you.
Definately need a fresh start. We long for what you talk about...having that church that you can give yourself to and work with and that is your life. I know there are ups and downs and hard times. But there are fun times, good times, times when people "get it" and you are colaboring with God in a wonderful way. We are waiting for that for us. We are settled on that is what we want to do. And you know God may have us in preparation to move back to our area and raise up a church (there is a new plant there already that the opportunity to pastor may very likely come up) and we are willing. Even in the face of being called a traitor and unloyal we are willing. We have so many friends and acquaintances all but begging for us to come do a church. Just want to know that we know. Cause where we go is where we hope to stay. Definately an uncomfortable place we are in. Change is never easy but staying the same is sometimes worse! Thanks for listening.
I am praying for you even now for a number of reasons... But they all have to do with possibilities -
You are pregnant - inside you is a possibility - but in the natural you already have an image in your mind about what you will receive at the end of your pregnancy, you expect GABBY... Based on the love you have for your husband, you expect that when you look at Gabby, you will see your husband's nose, your eyes, etc. And you have no problem believing that Gabby will come because you see the swelling in your body, you noticed the changes in yourself, doctors have confirmed that an anticipation of Gabby is a sensible and reasonable expectation.... But have you considered the odds of Gabby?? Out of all of the eggs that your body has produced, this one egg was fertilized with one out of all of the million sperm that your husband's body has produced to give you Gabby. Your body which has rejected germs and virus and other foreign objects that have come to invade it, has allowed this fertilized egg to reside in you... As a matter of fact it has nurtured this egg...Your internal organs have made room for this child to be in you, your skin has stretched, your nose has spread, your feet have swollen, your back has ached all because you expect Gabby. And you have been willing to have blood drawn, take medicines, watch what you eat, suffer constant doctor visits, all because you expect Gabby...
What are you expecting in your ministry? Don't you realize that before you had the first sign of being pregnant, that Gabby was there? You didn't even pay her presence any attention until after you missed your cycle and more than likely you rationalized even then that well I have been so busy... And by the time you realized that you were late, her presence had already been ordained... As it is in the natural, it is in the spiritual... You don't even realize that God has already called for the birthing of his ministerial purpose in your life. Or perhaps you just don't realize that the pulling on you that you are experiencing is actually the beginning of your expansion, you are earning your stretch marks. And when they make you sick - it is just like morning sickness... You just have to learn what will settle your stomach and keep it on hand... And yes sometimes you will have spiritual cravings where you are going to want a concoction of the Crystal Cathedral and Megafest... But know that God is birthing something in you.
Now - you mentioned some specific concerns - the former pastor who apparently still has expectations of your husband. Which if you are honest with yourself is not all that unreasonable since you still have expectations of him too. But here is my question of the day - if your husband was under his leadership and authority when you left, is he not still your pastor? And if so, then most certainly he is probably angry that you have not come home... And the under the radar statement which I hope was spoken to the two of you as opposed to an open rebuke, suggests, that if he feels that if you are going to come home, that you should come all the way home... I speak from experience because years ago my husband and I used to live in Baltimore and served as associate ministers there and when I got a contract to manage a convention in Baltimore and did not go back to that church it was a hurtful thing to that pastor and he made it quite clear. Now I didn't go back not because of anything negative - but because I was working for a different pastor. But I had to repent because I did not think of how it would make my former pastor feel.
As it relates to moving - it sounds like you are expecting something to happen where you have already stated nothing is happening. I didn't want to leave my familiar settings of South Carolina, but the work the Lord has called me to is in New York. And I will admit that I tried to stay in South Carolina, but after a while it just got way too uncomfortable to be in a comfortable place, because I felt unfulfilled. I am reminded of Elijah when he was at the brook that had dried up... He was instructed to MOVE.
As it relates to your calling - your location does not determine your vocation - if God has called you to be a minister, you are a minister regardless of whether or not you have a physical church building to serve... Perhaps that is the hold up in your deliverance... God is waiting for a yes from you in order to release what He has...
Developing a congregation is an arduous task. And perhaps the Lord has slowed that process so that you can get used to your new baby first and so that you can be healed of your frustrations. I am convinced that you must be totally focused on ministry before you will be released to pastor the Lord's people, now be sure that people will follow you even in your frustration. But I am talking about you pastoring people and feeding them not just having people who are willing to travel with you.... Having followers does not make you a pastor, it doesn't even necessarily make you a leader...
You need to read Romans 5:1-5 in the Amplified version, and while you do so you need to write down this scripture and everywhere there is a comma, period, semi-colon or anything of that nature you need start a new line on your paper... And then go word for word and see what the Lord is saying directly to you... And then I double-dog dare you to read it in the Message version. And if you are truly bold, I dare you to look at the passage using the Strong's Concordance, and look at the original language, checking each word until you have reached the full root word...
The expectations that our former pastor has is definately not for us to come back home to that church. He has only one time mentioned it and it was just after we lost our church job here. He said "you know you're always welcome back here" and dh thanked him but said he knew we were tos tay until God showed us our next move, that he wanted to pastor himself. FP quickly agreed that was right and for the best. ANd immediately let him know (in a subtle way) that there was an understanding between he and his friends (though my husband never agreed to this) that they would never pastor within 50 miles of each other. Well, I'm sorry but that is our home town and was before we knew this man. It is where we moved to start a church before we met that pastor and dh decided to help him as associate. It is control and intimidation. He lets it be known to those he knows will relate it to us that he knows what is going on and that people are aking Barak to come do a new church there. We arent saying we will. We are just open to where ever GOd says. But we sure dont like someone trying to dictate to us where we CAN'T go.
He told dh (in one of their very few conversations) that he was not our pastor anymore. He was no longer our covering but was just his friend. (we have a church we go to and a pastor here) I can't even go into all the hurt we have to get over toward this man (especially me since I was going to be the downfall to Baraks ministry and all -- his words to Barak) and I am trying to get past it. It is with great passion that I can say I know that I know that I know we arent to go back. We are not to go back to where I could have never had a place in ministry by my husband. WHere I was to stay a silent partner and just a pretty face. Dh would hear nothing of that. He longs to see me come forward one day by his side working in ministry with him. So back is not an option.
I do know a move is comeing and I am so thankful to the Lord for giving us time to get this baby here and get healed before we make another major move. Dh is even talking about letting school get done (May) but we will just have to see. He just knows that he is ready to do something and ministry is his call and he is ready to find his place to be able to do that and make a living for his family (ever expanding family!) I can only imagine the pressure he is under himself. I only look at my end of things so much. But he is such an awesome man and it is on his mind much these days. Our family's future. Where we are going to plant our feet and say this is where we are going to live and do ministry. And our decisions have hinged on other people so much in the past that we want to hear from God and make a move. Not because Bro. So and SO is offering us this or that position or Sis So and SO said God showed her in a dream that this or that pastor would do this or that for us only to have them not do this or that. We want to hear the next step for ourselves. We are just at that point. I am not talking about not hearing wise counsel. I mean depending on man to make it "happen" for us or putting our trust in man. We have learned the hard way that its a snare.
The pregnancy analogy is awesome and I want to share that with dh. I appreciate your words so much. But I did want to clarify that the FP does not want us back nor do we desire to be back. It is ahead only for us. It is just where and how?
I will read that passage and study through it. You dont have to double dog dare me! I love a good challenge in the Word and so love studying out a passage like that. SO I will get back to you on it after I look at it. THanks so much Flow.
I love a good challenge in the Word and so love studying out a passage like that. SO I will get back to you on it after I look at it. THanks so much Flow.
