Oh, I just want to say a big HUGE thank you for the Nitty Gritty article this month. I just read it and will be printing it to share with my DH. We have just been talking about this very topic and wondering how to move forward with different people in our church. I consider this article to be an answer to prayer!!
question: how do you handle it when others can see that you do stuff with certain people but then not with them? what about when they gossip about it all?? has someone ever directly approached you & accused you of not spending time with them (one of those that you know can't handle too much)??
enough questions!!
by the way, I haven't posted in probably a year, but I do read them often. And I always read the Nitty Gritty article and pray for your ministry. Thank you for all that you do....what a blessing!!
So good to hear from you and I'm glad to hear you are reading. Thanks for your kind words -- I appreciate them so much.
Re: your question, yes I have this happen all the time and it is irritating. First, I do try not to flaunt the fact of how much time I'm spending with any given one person. I don't hide it but don't advertise it either. Second, I realize some people are going to be upset. They are the types that want to be the pastor/pastor's wife's "best friend." They sometimes even tell you they feel called to fill that role. With some, I hate to say it, but you are going to lose them. When some people don't fill that "special place" and get that much attention they move on to a small church (or smaller) where the pastor may be willing to give it to them, or be desperate enough for people to give it to them.
One thing is, 90% of the time, I'm with leaders. And really that's where your time should be spent - investing in your leadership. Usually if people notice and comment that I'm with some more than others I just say, "it's important that pastor and I put a lot of investment, time and energy into our leaders. In turn they pour into others."
A large part of my time is spent with our staff. Usually no one complains about that - they expect it. A lot of my "girl time" is spent with Pastor Lindsay, another female pastor on our staff who began as our assistant and has gone through bible college and worked up to coming onto the pastoral staff. We have a four year relationship and pretty much everyone knows we are the Bobsey Twins! (In fact, my nickname in our church is "wonder woman" and many times people call us the "Wonder Twins." When something exciting happens, we shout, WONDER TWIN POWERS, ACTIVATE!!!") When my friend Maria was here we spent time together...again, she was a major leader in the church...everyone knew we spent a lot of time working together on women's things, she was also the head of our hospitality dept., and she sang in the choir right next to me. I spend time with our pastor's wives. Everyone expects that.
There are people...in fact someone just said it to me today...who say, "I want to get together with you and get to know you better and develop our relationship." Typically I will go to lunch with someone once, maybe twice and get to know them better but if they start pressuring to be my "close friend" beyond what I am comfortable with, I back off. I can't be close to everyone in the church. Although I would consider myself as a friend to everyone in our congregation and loving them all, there are so many hours in the day and I can't be everyone's "close friend" and "develop a deep relationship" as some of them ask for.
Someone remarked to me a few months ago about not spending time with them as I do "some others" as she put it, and I didn't even dignify it with a response. I am not going to be pushed into a relationship with someone. I won't receive the pressure. If someone is pressuring me, it makes me want to be with them even less. If they pressure me to have lunch I probably never will even just to say I did. Know what I mean? In my experience, you have to be careful not to even start something with people who have that pressuring personality.
Everyone is different in their approach - this is just mine. Jesus didn't treat everyone the same. He had the multitudes, the 70, the 12, the 3 and then the 1. He had levels of relationship. If it's good enough for Him it's definitely right for me.
your comments ring true with me and this is how I am learning to handle things. It's a challenge at times. Our church went from being a small group to a large group in a short time. With that growth came some feelings of 'oh, we're just not as close to you as we once were!' I've tried to handle that in stride, but it's getting old!!
On the same note, I try to teach my children that they need to be friendly but do not have to be best friends to ALL of the girls in their class, youth group, etc. We sometimes have issues there! ugh...it's just frustrating. There are hundreds of other people to be friends with, but if they are not buddy-buddy with OUR family....it doesn't mean anything. Silly.
And some have left saying that our leadership is just not 'friendly'. We let them go...that is the farthest thing from the truth!!
So, I appreciate your words of wisdom & just knowing that someone has walked this road before!!
We are in a time of transition right now in our church. We are to the point where people are saying, "I don't know anyone anymore..." so we are planning more fellowships to give people opportunity to meet people. (Although we realize as the church grows, they are just going to have to get used to not knowing everyone.)
But along with that comes the issue of, people saying the same thing to us -- "we don't talk with you as much anymore..." etc. We have just a few leaders we deal with that on, but it's not that they see us spending large amounts of time with others, they just know that the church has grown and our time is more limited as well as...Larry and I are doing more ministry outside the church and speaking more in other settings...which our leaders are very happy about...the more opportunities we have, they are so proud of us. So there are no complaints there. There are a few leaders we have had to reassure...on the issue that we love them just as much as ever but life has gotten really nutty as far as our schedule.
With newer people, this is my dilemma. When they become leaders we have more opportunity to spend time with them. When they are not those who come into leadership there is little time we have to spend with them aside from initially going out with them or having them to our home for newcomer's night. We may have the occasion once in a while to go to dinner with a group after church and some of those people will be in there, but to spend major amounts of time or develop deep relationships with them it is just not going to happen unless they are those by virtue of their leadership position we spend more time with. I realize some people can't handle that and they will more than likely move on.
We try to communicate love, friendliness and warmth as much as possible by being in the hospitality room week after week and meeting our newcomers and then once a month we have anyone who has just come in that month to our home for a dessert night. And Larry and I are big on meeting and greeting during/after services/events...we really work the crowd and do a lot of talking with everyone and make it a point to be the last one to leave. I think as long as you stay a "meeting and greeting" and hugging type pastor, you'll be alright. But it's those who isolate themselves totally and aren't personable that get in trouble with people leaving on a greater scale that might have been able to have been prevented.
The kids thing is an issue. I am finding as my boys date it can really cause a problem!
