That's exactly how I'm feeling. I'm drowning, going deeper & deeper, with no one there to save me.
I know I'm depressed. I've worked myself to death. I'm doing HORRIBLE at the whole "balancing work & home" thing. And church? I don't want to even mention church. I don't want to go to church, at least my church. I've given & given & given, and frankly I have no more to give. I don't want to teach anything to anyone anymore. I'm tired of going to church, pretending everything's alright when it isn't. I'm tired of smiling & shaking hands & hugging necks & dealing w/ everyone else's kids, when no one bothers to help me with mine. Someone needs staples? I must tell Sis. Trace. Someone didn't show up to teach? Go tell Sis. Trace, she'll fill in. It's time for our fall fellowship. Sis. Trace will plan it. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!
Ladies, I know I'm rambling. I feel guilty b/c I haven't been as active as I used to be here on the boards (though I am trying to keep up w/ everyone better.) But I know that you're there for me, and I so appreciate that, because that's all that's keeping me going right now.
I feel like I have no marriage. Dh & I still live in the same house. We even share a bed. But there's no connection. I feel like we are 2 ships going in 2 different directions. I've begged him for over a week to talk to me. I've told him that I need to talk. But he decides we can talk at 9:00 at night. I'm not awake at 9:00 at night anymore. I'm crashing at 7:00. I can't even find the time to talk to him to tell him that I'm drowning. What good is he to me? How can I make him see that I'm drowning, going deeper & deeper under?
Before I started to work, I had finally started taking time for me... Now, I work 9 hours a day, straight. And come home to a 2 year old & 5 year old. My 9 yo is out at football practice 3 nights a week. My house is a wreck. It hasn't been clean since.... well I started work July 31. I guess it's been 2 months now since my house was clean. But I have no energy to do it when I come home. I leave the house at 6:30 in the morning. By 4:30 to 5:30 pm when I get home, I just want to sit.
I just don't know how to do it. I've lost me. There is no ME. I've given & given & given & I have nothing left. I'm empty. But I have to get up in the morning, somehow, with the Lord's strength, & do it all over again this week.
Thanks Ladies for listening to my ranting! I just need a lot of prayer!
I can understand why you feel the way you do. Okay, is 9 hours a day necessary to you financially? Could you get a 20 hour a week job and still make ends meet? Do you need the 45 hour work week, is what I am getting at? I know you have to work......I'm just saying...how much?
You and your dh do need to talk. He needs to understand you are melting down. You have a genuine love for people but it is being eaten away at by your exhaustion from the stress of the kids and the job and the workload that is upon you.
You've got to put your foot down, in my opinion. Just STOP. Make time for you admist this mess and tell you dh you MUST do this. After work one night, just let him know you will not come home - you need time for you. Come home 2 hours later and after he's juggled those kids for a few hours by himself he'll say, "where were you???????" and you can explain...well, this is what's going on with me. Maybe it will take some kind of wake up call like that for him to stop and see the need to have a serious conversation with you about it.
I've had a few meltdowns in my lifetime. There are times I've just stopped, laid down in my bed and said, "that's it, I'm not moving from here until I get what i need. (Usually dh to talk to me seriously about an issue, or I need sleep/rest.)
Sometimes you need to create a crisis to get what you need - which many times for us pw's is.........being seriously listened to and HEARD.
I am new to this blog but would like to try to hand you a lifesaver (smile).
In the Tampa area, there is Marriage Encounter. That would be a great way to get the communication ball rolling. It's not a "cure all" but is definately a great way to get both the spouses feelings out in a constructive manner. Also, Focus on the Family has great 'Parsonage' helps through Pastor to Pastor CD's. When you have an outside source to listen to , it gives you both something to 'piggy back' off and have engaging discussions.
Secondly, I do not know the context of your situation but you need help with the kids so you and dh can have regular time together. Even if it's just "couch time" where the kids are off outside or in their rooms while Mom&Dad talk or pray or on his day off an inexpensive sitter for a couple of hours is a good place to start. I found another stay at home Mom who took my toddler and baby once a week for 3-4 hours for only $2 an hour and we had a "day date". Often we couldn't afford both so we stayed home but used good marriage resources or structured use of time to focus on "us".
Thirdly, start with once a year and you/dh go out of town alone 2 nights! Sometimes, these trips may be a structured marriage enrichment ministry,other times just to "rest" or relax, and sometimes it may be just for sex! Minister to your man that way and make it a priority. Nevertheless, you start to take baby steps right away by starting somewhere! I did all the above and over the years my dh began to say, "Once a year is not enough! We need to do this more often than that." He started enjoying our times away and he started initiating more trips per year. Go figure!
This all may seem 'untouchable'. However, I viewed a VHS of TD Jakes Pastor's Conference and there was one on there by the First Lady. She emphasized the importance of praying in Armor Bearers and helpers. Her dh helped pick them and protect his wife. But this spoke loudly to me on how to pray and what to look for. There is help out there! I went through a season that I just had to "encourage myself" to get out of the pit I was in.
I also was too passive with my dh and allowed things to crowd out "us" for too long. It is important sometimes to "put your foot down" as PD implied. Sometimes it is the sqeaky wheel that gets the oil! And sometimes it's the car broken down on the roadside that gets the tune up. Try to give dh a word picture that he could relate to (personally) and communicate to him by giving him a visual of what's going on. It's not my personality or "style" to insist on my way or pressure my dh in a direction (normally) but when you've had enough, you have to take action! Action speaks louder than words for most men. It's God's way that your marriage and family not fall by the wayside. No one else will or can do it for you. I will pray for you, Trace. I do understand and have empathy.
Lastly, a man's ministry and his personal relationship with Christ are not synonyms. Couples have to fight this enemy of pastoral homes together! Ministry and children will drain the oil out of you, deflate our tires, and use up all our gasoline. It's up to us to see to it we get regular infueling, oil checks, a tune up, and air in our tires! Before the tire blows or gas runs out, tune it up! So you can enjoy it more!
The AG Marriage Encounter in Georgia has a pastoral, presenting couple who deal head on with: "He and His ministry....Me and the kids" issue and how that mindset affected their marriage negatively.
Oh dear one, I want to pull you out of the water, so you can take a breath and not drown. I can't! Only you can.
My statement to you is, "Stop!"
You can't continue 9 work hours a day plus caring for home, family and church. Some women can. I never could. When my children were small and writer was my main goal in life, I wrote 4 hours a day (including writing, marketing, research) then I stopped.
Church should be the highlight of the week, not a burden. Again, "Stop!" Someone else can pick up staples, and if they can't then they can do without. Someone else can teach the children--or they can sit with their parents that day.
The problem between DH and you is more serious. Sounds like he is as bogged down and drowning as you. Remember in "Alice in Wonderland" the rabbit rushes by saying, "No time to say hello; good by, I'm late! I'm Late! I'm late!" Sounds like DH is in that mode of rushing, with no time to spend with his family.
A time of refreshing--pulling away to pray and enjoy the presence of the Lord could make a tremendous change. You need that desperately. You and he need that desperately.
I'm spending some time on this day to pray for you that the "God of all comfort" will comfort you and ease your suffering.
I will definetly be praying for you, I felt like I was reading my own post. Don't feel guilty for the way that you feel; sometimes it helps to just get it out into the open. I wish I could give you a solution to some of your situations, but unfortunatley I'm in similar shape, so you probably should listen to someone who is on dry ground. I just wanted you to know that I will be keeping you in my prayers!
I've made it through another day of work. I'm in a really weird "blah" mood today, feeling extremely tired. We had a girl resign, so I had not really been taking my lunch hour (thus my 9 hour work days). I always feel guilty b/c my supervisor never takes a lunch & we've been swamped at work. BUT today I decided that I was going to take my lunch hour. I went & looked around the bed linen outlet store a mile from work (i.e. a king size Ralph Lauren Comforter for $60.)
Dh took my 9 year old son to football practice. He tells me that he's not going to stay. So HOPEFULLY we're going to be able to really talk. I told him again this morning that I needed to talk & he said "I thought we did talk." I'm hoping that I can really get through to him.
Deanna, you asked if I really needed to work full time financially. The answer unfortunately is yes. (But I'm going to do my best to make sure I get my lunch; just sometimes it's impossible to do especially if there is just 2 of us in the office that day.)
I've told dh "upteen" number of times that I need to put down some of my responsibilities at church. He keeps telling me "I know, but who's going to do it?" Right now, I'm teaching the teen Sunday School, then Kids Church during morning service. And Wednesday nights I teach a kids class. No one will step up to the plate to relieve me. I did find someone who will take over WM's (Women's Ministries) for me. If there's anything special going on at church, I'm the one to plan it. Theoretically, I should get Sunday nights in the service. But we don't have a nursery & rarely do I get someone to volunteer to help me wrestle w/ my 2 & 4 year old. I really feel it's useless for me to go to church on Sunday evenings. All I do is leave in a bad mood.
Well, I better go face my kitchen. Thanks for your words of encouragement & your prayers.
I must be truthful here and say I have so been there. Every bit of it. And I finally had to get some medical help. It took a big step to do it. I felt like a failure. But after a year on the right meds I am a different person. It is so noticeable to myself and others. Even with being pregnant my moods are stable almost 95% of the time. I dont have any energy but I am just glad to not being wanting to run away from my life anymore. I just didnt see a way out and I was very depressed. Church made it worse not better. Some wouldnt understand that but I do. NO matter how much believing I tried to do or pull myself by the boot straps so to speak nothing helped. DH had no desire to talk becuase I'd fall apart on him and make his level of stress higher and so we were headed down a bad road. If God hadnt gotten us out of that situation (demanding church/pastor and area) we would probably be divorced. No joke. But this year here in another state has brought us back together where we werent together before. He was going his way and I was just trying to survive. My case may be extreme. But I am just saying you may want to try and see if a visit to a good christian dr. would yeild some help that your body may be crying out for. You may need to check into it. It changed my life. I reached depressed rock bottom where I wanted to die, I hated my husband and was just living for my kids. But what a difference a year makes. I thank God for the direction he led me to take medicine. Just pray about it.
