I was just wandering if anyone else out there has people who attend their churches that expect the pastor and his wife to do whatever they ask. Here is just one example of what I'm talking about:
I had a lady call me last week wanting and expecting me to buy her some coffee and laxatives. (Yes, I did as she requested) She calls numerous times a day wanting us to pick her or her boyfriend up and take them somewhere. They never offer to pay gas and on most occassions end up asking us to pay for what ever they are needing. I don't mean to sound hateful, but I am getting tired of freeloaders. If and when they come to church we pick them up and take them home at their convienence. Her boyfriend has not come back to church since my husband told he no on one occassion week before last. He was needing a ride somewhere and my dh told him we were not able to do it until late that night, due to a visitation for lady in the chuch who had just went on to be with our Saviour.
I'm sorry, I know we are not alone, but sometimes I just wander how some have pastored for 30 and 40 years and still have their compassion for some people.
Oh my! Yes. People will do this to you if you let them. And quite honestly dear, you cannot do this and maintain your sanity nor grow the church. You are not there as the people's personal gopher. If God lays it on your heart to do something for someone by all means do it. But if not, then don't. You cannot meet all of these type of expectations. First, I don't believe the church exists to bring people coffee and laxatives. You have to ask...what is the purpose of the church? What is your purpose personally? You and your dh are there to serve the people, yes, but in what way? Your first responsibility is in the Word and in prayer. You have many people to minister to, and you can't get caught up in these type things all the time.
So what do you say when they ask? Simply, "I'm not able to do that today." Do you have caller id? Use it with these individuals. If they approach you personally just let them know your schedule is full and you have many goals as the pastor's wife/pastor that you must accomplish.
I would not just call these particular people freeloaders, they also sound more like "leeches" who suck the life out of the pastor and wife. How can you possibly reach the unchurched when you have these type of people hanging on you? Do they just want FAVORS, or do they want THE GOSPEL? Are they hungry to grow in God? Are they hungry for the Word? Prayer? Are they faithful in serving the church?
This is just my $.02 based on what you've told us.
My dear, you must take a stand. IF YOU DON'T SET YOUR SCHEDULE, SOMEBODY ELSE WILL SET IT FOR YOU.
When I first became a Christian, I remember my Pastor being called in the middle of the night to help an old woman get a mouse out of her toaster. She had other people she could have called, (her own children) but she called the Pastor. He told her very gently that she needed to call her children or wait until morning, he was not going out in the middle of the night. It really made me wonder what the job description of a Pastor was.
There will always be people in the church expecting you to do everything for them. The more you do, the less they have to do. Our job is to teach them to do for themselves. Remind them that we as pastors are not their source, but God is their source. The old saying holds true, "Give them a fish and they eat for a day, teach them to fish and they eat for a lifetime". They won't like it but sometimes adults need to be taught some very basic things like getting their own coffee. Also, Most people need to be taught what the job description of a Pastor is. I personally think that getting a mouse out of a toaster in the middle of the night is the job description of a Deacon or Board Member. (ha ha) don't you? It doesn't hurt to get a deacon's wife involved in helping out, either.
I think there are several hats a Pastor can wear....i.e., lay carpenter which my former Pastor loved to be during the week if time allowed, errand runner, and all around hand holder. However, his first hat must me Pastor to the flock, leader in his home, etc. . If he runs around all day after mice, and coffee and laxatives, how can he be looking after his primary duties at the church, praying over and prepping his sermon for sunday, his wed. night message, his funeral on Friday, etc.. I think there will always be a part of the church body that maybe is made up of folks that really does not want to ask anyone else but their Pastor for something because they may be alone or do not trust anyone else. However, there is also a crowd that thinks that anytime they need anything, just call any Pastor of any church and they will just give you what you want. They usually want a fish, not a pole and fishing lessons. You see, this is how you can tell the difference. If these people do not want to make any changes in their lives, if they ask for "fish" instead of a "pole", use your caller id with these people if God has not told you do something more.
I used to ask my former Pastor, since he lived nearby, to stop in at times and help me with something quick and easy, or at times, make plans well ahead for a home project many men would help us with. I think that is fine, but not if we sat around while the others did our work for us. I would also occasionaly offer to run errands for Preacher in 2 of the larger cities nearby if I knew he needed it done and I was planning to go there anyway. That's how it should be.
Anyway, it's not always easy to tell the leeches from the truely needy, but in time, clues should start to appear....use your judgement, your prayers, and your caller id! Lori
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...... Then they came for the Catholics, and I was a Protestant, so I never said anything. And then, they came for ME, and there was no one left to speak up. Martin Neimoller, German Pastor, WW2
Unless the person was ill and this was a shut-in request, I don't think me or any other person on the ministry team would buy someone's coffee and laxatives and even then...I'd have to wonder...where is your family?
And what a request to make in the first place. Again...awe.
I'm reminded of the scripture in Acts where the apostles say why should we leave the Word to serve tables? That's why deacons were appointed. But even then, I don't know if this request would be given serious consideration if this person is not shut-in.
I believe there is a line or distinction that needs to be made as to what type of serving a pastor does. Personal errands for the sheep...no...I really would delegate if it's a true need or just do it if God said GO!
Staying before God in prayer, praying and counseling the sheep, and seeking God for a Word...definitely yes.
Wow. And the mouse out of the toaster is wild! Are these small communities where the expectation could be different. I've lived in big cities all my life and been in church all my life and I've never heard of such.
I have lived in several small towns. The one I currently live in, well, it appears that everyone either knows everyone else, or is somehow related. Expectations can be different. We have a church of about 4 to 500. We have a board of deacons. Each week, a deacon is designated "Deacon of the week" and his phone # is in the bulletin and up on the main view screen on Sunday morning. So if you have a need, you call him, and he gets the proper committee on the case.
This way, the pastor does not need to say that he can't help you right now, it's almost an unspoken way of seeing the Pastor does not have to get the request in the first place, the Deacon of the week usually gets the first call.
Now, Preacher is always available in a true crisis or emergency, don't get me wrong....but I doubt he would leave his wife's bedside in the dead of night to catch a mouse! Love, Lori
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...... Then they came for the Catholics, and I was a Protestant, so I never said anything. And then, they came for ME, and there was no one left to speak up. Martin Neimoller, German Pastor, WW2
It just has worked so well, it's been in place for years, longer than I have been here. Matters of all types responded to quickly and in an orderly way and the SP, and AP are still able to handle thier own responsibilities,leadership, visitations, counseling, etc. It's really great! Lori
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...... Then they came for the Catholics, and I was a Protestant, so I never said anything. And then, they came for ME, and there was no one left to speak up. Martin Neimoller, German Pastor, WW2
I am curious though, as to what the deacon of the week does. Do you mean he would be the one getting this woman the coffee and laxatives? I still think that is kind of strange. I think if the deacon of the week prays with people, ministers to their family if they are sick, etc. that's GREAT!
I just can't imagine expecting my deacons to go get people laxatives...
LW, when the number is on the screen, what does it say besides that? Something like, "if you should have any need, please call this deacon"...? Does it specify what kind of needs? Perhaps you can expound on this.
I think every once and a while it seems I have seen in the bulletin a blurb like...."If you need assistance, please contact our deacon of the week." Reminding us I guess, to go there first. The kinds of needs I have seen them fill are:
Gas to help someone get to work for a few days or the doctor in a nearby town.
A ride to the food pantry if they have no transportation.
Prayer intervention over the sick.
Contacting the benevolence committee to pay an electric bill.
A ride to the doctor.
Things like this. Sometimes even doing a little light food shopping for a shut in. But I really doubt that they would drop and run for coffee and laxatives. They may go out for a few groceries for someone who really could not do for themselves, but I doubt they would ever, "chase a mouse".
How they've handled problem people, I really can not speak to as I have not been here long enough to see a problem like that. It was a problem for my former pastor ,though. Eventually, he had to start saying "no" to repeat abusers, something we have discussed before here. People who continue to live in sin without repentance and expect the church to keep them up.
Anyway, for overwhelmed SP's, in a growing body, the deacon of the week is a great idea. Love, Lori
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...... Then they came for the Catholics, and I was a Protestant, so I never said anything. And then, they came for ME, and there was no one left to speak up. Martin Neimoller, German Pastor, WW2
the church secretary who answers the call at the church knows what to say...."You know who you should call that would be just perfect to help you with this....." Then she tells them who the deacon of the week is and gives his # and tells them to call. See, she informs them that they know just the right person on the right committee to respond to this need...this works well. Lori
__________________
...... Then they came for the Catholics, and I was a Protestant, so I never said anything. And then, they came for ME, and there was no one left to speak up. Martin Neimoller, German Pastor, WW2
We also have a "deacon of the week" at my new church. It works really well, and takes a lot of pressure off our SP!
However...if you're in a smaller church, where the deacon board is accustomed to (I'll put it this way to be nice ) a different sort of role other than serving the church, it is the job of the senior pastor and his wife to retrain them as to what their proper role is.
As a staff person who just came from serving with a small church/deacon board with a "small church mentality," I can't stress it enough: KNOW YOUR AUTHORITY!!! Don't be afraid of people who threaten to "pull their support" from the church if things aren't done their way. Make your decisions...stand your ground!!
My best friend just started working at a church where, over 20 years ago, the people in the church expected their senior pastor to be their slave, for lack of a better term! When he came in and started to make changes, some of them revolted. But he stood his ground. And now the church is thriving! They've got a full paid staff (complete with parsonages for each of them!), a Christian radio station - the biggest in the area, in fact! - and people in the church who understand the proper roles of the senior pastor, the staff, the board, and the congregation.
It takes time to "retrain" people who are accustomed to their church being run in a certain way. But if you run it the way that God intended for a church to be run, He will bless you and your church for it!!!!
I guess I should have told everyone we are a small church in a town of 13,000. Currently, I am the church secretary, our state office thought that it was a good idea since that is what I do all day at work anway. We do not currently have any deacons. Unfortunately, not enough quailifed people in the church, but we are working on it. When we took the church there was 1 lady still attending, occassionally. We have had our ups and downs and are currently running almost 40. I didn't mean to sound calus in my earlier post, but it has been a bad month. Just keep me in your prayers, please.
You're not callous...your exhausted! Please don't feel the need to apologize here, we understand.
Well, I understand your dilemma. We used to pastor in a very small town - in fact only half the people that you have in your town. I understand the small town mentality. Even so you cannot run yourself ragged on behalf of coffee and laxatives.
The fact that you have no deacons and you and your dh are doing this all alone should be double the reason you tell this woman you cannot keep up with doing these things. Can you imagine if you did this for all 40 people?
Make the change of attending to emergencies and priority things asap because then you can grow to the point where you can train and equip some leaders to help you.
Bless your heart, we do feel for you and we will be praying that God would send LABORERS to help you, and that your people would understand - you need to be set free to attend to the work of prayer and preparing in getting a Word from God for the people.
Bless your heart! Deanna gave some really good words and I agree. We're a young ministry too and don't even have the 40 members you spoke of. I completely understand the need to train and raise up leadership because you really can not and should not do it all yourself.
You will run yourself ragged and fall victim to church burn out. Been there and done that.
Love, Lori
