I examined myself and realized there's part of me that really needs to be dead but is up walking around and wreaking havoc. I need to kill this but my desire for vindication, justification and the absolute need to be right is making this difficult.
There are people in this world who irritate me and grate my last nerve.
They could disappear from my life tomorrow and I just might me alright but I know that's not the Father's love operating in me. God is working some stuff out in me. Letting me know that I've got so far to go. His love is not yet perfected in me and that's why the irritant is here. *sigh*
I'd been reading in Luke when Jesus said what's the point in loving and doing for folk who can repay you? Sinners do this. When you've done this for people who will never be able to repay you then this pleases the Father.
My flesh is telling me I'm owed! I've poured out and given...you need to compensate me. I don't know if this person even has the mind to reciprocate. And then knowing me, even if they did, would it ever be enough? I'm looking for reward in the wrong place.
God is showing me me and it ain't pretty. It outright stinks. My motives are so wrong.
I feel I'm totally justified and God is saying you are not walking in love.
So what do you do when the needy, the unloveable, the ungrateful show up at your doorstep and God says minister to them. They won't be able to repay you...they're going to try you and you HAVE to operate in love and wisdom.
The trying of my faith works patience. Never were truer words written.
I'm going to have to kill flesh, my strong desire to be recognized and appreciated and trust that God sees what I'm doing and He rewards. Correct my motive and trust Him to be the just God that He is.
Who said this was easy?
I pray this post was somewhat coherrent. God showed me so many things during worship and prayer.
Bottom line...Send_Judah has got to die so that He can be glorified in me.
Lord help me die so that I can live. Help me let go of my need to be right all the time. Forgive me.
