What a topic title, huh? OK, here is the thing. My husband is struggleing with wanting to leave our church because of a difference in "visions". We have been serving at our church for 7 years. We came here bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, our first full time position after volunteering at our home church for 2 years. We have been here through 2 pastors, the last of which having been here for 3 years. Our first pastor stayed 3 years, we were without a pastor for about 18 months, and then Bro. W came.
Bro. W is , first of all, the sweetest guy you could ever meet. He came in and said that he would not change anything for the first year. He said that he came with the reputation of being a church "healer" and helped to promote a "sweet spirit" in every church he'd ever been a part of. He also said that he was here for the long haul, only to be moved when God truly led him, not just when the going got tough.
First year or two, we were just waiting for these great programs and things he was telling us God was leading him towards. We all held our breaths ....waiting...waiting... nothing happened. In the mean time, Bro. W led our church to a young music minister that we hoped would lead us into a more contemporary worship style. What actually happened there was that he closed down the choirs, cancelled any and all special music and alienated the two pianists we formerly had. He brought in his own and ran the show HIS way. That, it seems, is another post of it's own!
OK, so here we are...3 years into this pastor's tenure here. He has taken all ministry away from the deacon body here (and they let him, I suppose). We ordained 3 new deacons a year ago, 2 of them have since left our church because of differences with the pastor. Our attendance has gone from 325 in Sunday School to 200, Wednesday nights from 100+ to 15 people, and Sunday nights from 125 +/- to 40 or so folks. We have no visitation, no outreach, no programs of most any kind. He doesn't even have a calendar with any events scheduled past our July 4th picnic in the park. He kept saying when he first came that he was going to "_____ize" (I just can't use his name...what if someone figured out who I'm talking about!) our church. Well, he has done that all right. We have had more than 20 families leave in the past 8 months, esp in the past 2 months. It is SOOOO depressing.
My husband, on the other hand, has a pretty vibrant, growing ministry. Our youth group is consistently 50+, we opened a new youth building and have made, I think, a real impact on our community. People in our church come to him and voice their complaints about the pastor. He has tried to defend the pastor, but eventually, he has nothing to say to defend him. My DH is now at the point that, after telling the pastor how he feels, he thinks it may be time to move on to another church. We have resumes out in 6 or 7 churches. This whole tale is way too long to share in detail, but this is the briefest summary of it. I know God doesn't leave anyone in one place forever, but we really love this community and our church family. We are at a crossroads. We are praying for guidance and judgement in this. We are trying to publicly support our pastor, but personally we cannot agree with his lack of vision.
Here is what I need from you ladies: 1) PRAY for us as we work through this, 2) Have any of you ever been in such a situation?, and 3) Any words of advice and/or encouragement.
I know you all know how hard it is to be a staff wife...I know I'll get the support I need here. Thanks in advance!
I do sympathize that you are in a difficult spot, however I must speak truth to you. You are called by God to be a complete support and armor bearer to "Bro. W.", both publicly and privately. If you reach a point where you cannot do that, it's time to quietly and completely peaceably move on. It might be a very difficult thing to do but for both your sakes and his sake, it may be the thing that is needed here.
The bottom line is...the staff serves at the invitation and pleasure of the senior pastor. You must be able to work with the pastor as a team regardless of the location or how you feel about the church. The Lord has called "Bro. W." as the primary leader of your church. You have to flow with him, or it's not the right place for you, regardless of what he has done or how you feel about the changes he has made in the church. If you cannot work under his leadership for some reason, the Godly thing to do is to quietly move on. Leave in the right spirit. GOD WILL BLESS YOU ABUNDANTLY FOR IT.
As hard as it is, your husband cannot entertain conversations with church people about this stuff, if he wants God's blessing to remain upon his life. I know how hard it is...my husband had the same things happen to him in a rather difficult situation but he refused to entertain it. As a result we were very blessed in the future. Not only did we steer clear of conversations but even insinuations or even body language that would indicate a problem whatsoever. You have to watch even casual remarks. My husband has noted that when he has encountered staff people at churches who are unhappy with the direction (or lack thereof) in a church or with a pastor the staff will take on a certain attitude and when people approach them they will say things to the effect of, "Hey, I am not in charge here, I just do what I'm told". Basically that may be viewed as a "safe" way to let people know you are not completely in accord with what's going on. I am not saying by any stretch that you are doing that...BUT...here is what I'm saying...
I'm cautioning you against anything that would remotely seem like that. Because Satan would love to get a foothold and use that to completely destroy your church there, or your future ministry. Keep in mind, God will bless you to the extent in your future that you do the right thing NOW, and support this man and his wife (if he has one) even if you do not agree with them and even if you would do things differently. We reap what we sow.
It is difficult to be a staff wife many times, I agree! I was one for seven years before Larry and I began co-pastoring as senior pastors. I understand the struggles that you are under, but I also know that you have to do God's work God's way. If you cannot completely publicly and privately support "Brother W.", it's time to get the resumes out and prayerfully seek God's will for another place. Do the right thing and God will bless you beyond your wildest dreams.
Some helpful reading for you might be "Under Cover" by John Bevere, and Armor Bearer I and II by Terry Nance.
I will be praying for you that God will help you to sense His direction in the decisions you must make over the coming months.
I have to completely and totally agree with what Deanna has said here. She is absolutely right.
My husband and I went through a very similar situation in the past 2 years, except that we were doing an interim position and it involved the overseerer of our district (who technically had ultimate leadership within the church). When conflict began...though we were in the right and some no-so-good-things were happening in the leadership above us, God made it abundantly clear that we must honor that leadership. At times it was very difficult to not let others know what was going on because our first response was to defend ourselves.
We didn't want others to think that we are somehow contributing to the 'mess' so to speak!! My husband stood strong and protected the leadership team and the congregation from destructive talk/actions seeping into the life of the church. The people within our organization who needed to be involved were called upon. Now, 18 months later, we are pastors in this same congregation! What a harvest of good fruit we have enjoyed because of integrity in leadership.
I agree, you must support in every way as staff members. It is important not to participate in polarization of church members. If you are called to stay...pray for the Spirit to enable you to do the tough stuff. I remember wanting to just do something RADICAL (I'm a little on the radical side anyway!) to get the word out that we were not at fault. However, this would have damaged the church and blocked blessings in the long run.
If you cannot stay, leave with GRACE and be careful not to entertain other's questions, etc. after you are gone. The questions come after the fact too!
God will bless you and honor you!! It's really true.
Let me continue to encourage you to support the pastoral leadership that you are under...
My husband and I served at a church in DC (his first pastoral position) where the Senior Pastor was old and although was well loved his preaching and teaching gifts had suffered with his age. My husband newly out of seminary came full of energy and a tremendous preaching gift and was warmly received and it happened that my husband's Bible study group was the only growing group in the church and the people were calling him more than the pastor for their spiritual needs. My husband sensed this as being a potential problem and at all occasions sought to affirm the pastor. Ultimately the pastor got ill and my husband was asked to fill his shoes during the pastor's illness, the church began to grow again during those weeks, but as soon as the pastor was better my husband stepped out of the way and gave him his pulpit back... BUT THE PEOPLE WERE ANGRY! Which incensed the pastor... He privately accused my husband of trying to steal his church from him which was truly crazy - but instead of arguing and causing further dissension, we opted to leave the church...
Here are my points in sharing this - #1 - That church continues to be in the community, new pastor and new people. Don't confuse your current participation with God's future plans for that church, also know that God may intentionally be allowing the church to be purged until he gets the core group he desires. #2 - Remember it is a universal law without fail that you reap what you sow... Sow faithfulness, patience, prayer, love and support for your pastor and when God elevates you, you will receive the same. And know that sometimes you need fertilizer in order to make stuff grow - (aka it sometimes takes crap to make your crop boom).
Becky, Hold on tight to your faith! The reason I say that is because when my husband when through the same thing as a youth Pastor it was so hard. He and the Pastor had a bad falling out over vision and other issues. We had people who we thought were friends eat us alive. We just prayed and prayed and prayed . The situation remedied itself and there was reconciliation between he and the Pastor. Because we didn't badmouth the Pastor or go against his leadership, The Lord moved us to our first Pastorate after 6 mos. we see them occasionallyand it is a nice time to visit. The thing is we are now in our 2nd Pastorate and all the vision that God was teaching us for the past 5 yrs that He wanted for us is now coming to pass. I think sometimes God allows us to struggle so that we can move on to better things that He has in store for us. Things that we can only imagine until it takes place and then you go "Oh that is why we had to go through that yuck." I will be praying for you both. xoxo
I agree with supporting your pastor and praying for him. Something else to think and pray about is your youth group. Is it thriving? Is it growing? Is there fruit? If God is blessing this ministry, maybe that would be another reason to stay, The real question to ask yourself is "Is this where God want's us?" "Is God calling us out or are we wanting out?". Believe me my DH and I have had to ask that question before and God has always been faithful to answer
The one thing God has spoken to us about regarding a similar situation is to remember that our main motivation is and should always be for the Lord Jesus Christ. Sometimes we would get caught up in what's going on with the leaders or people and such but God would always speak to our hearts and remind us that we are there for His sake, HIs purpose and plan. To get our focus back on Him.
So my encouragement is to make it a point to start praying with your hubby, for the church, your pastor and for your hearts to be focused on Him, and where He wants you to be. And short circuit what the enemy is trying to do by bringing discouragement, distraction and confusion. For God is not the author of confusion. I hope this encourages you sis. I'll be praying for you!
You are right about this. Excellent point. God has really spoken to me about this before...and I think we can apply it no matter what our role in the church (SPW, APW, YPW, whatever...) We often waste a lot of time looking at the problems of whatever else is going on in the church, but what about the ministry we specifically oversee...is it thriving?
We face difficult things no matter what role we are in (that we wish would change). Something I have found is that when I am upset about those things, I am wasting valuable time and energy that I could put into my ministry...even the emotional energy that it takes...is just such a waste.
We do so much better when we take all that energy and place it on the passion God has given us - whatever that may be. Even when things don't change otherwise, a little success never hurts!
