To be totally blunt and honest...that's how I feel right now.
Our best friends have officially accepted a position 6 hours away from here. They will be there as of February 6. This means we have three weeks left before they go.
In the meantime, doors are slamming shut in my face left and right.
I still have my FT day job, but the whole point is, I want to do ministry full time! I'm just weeks away from not doing it at all, and every lead I get becomes a "we have already filled that position, but God bless you in your search." I have one "we're praying about the resumes we have," and I did have one phone interview with a senior pastor who I just really didn't get a good vibe from.
I spent some time tonight "yelling" at God. I am so frustrated right now, I could scream. I'm supposed to be all happy for her because she has her "dream" job. And yeah, it was too good to pass up, and it felt right, and it felt like God's plan for her and all that.
But all I see right now is that I asked God to bring real, true friends into my life, and He did, and now He's taking them away. I suppose it's possible that we'll end up somewhere close to where they'll be (quite honestly, unless the job comes with a parsonage, we can't afford to move anywhere BUT Wisconsin, where they're going - very low priced housing market and extremely low property taxes!). That isn't much comfort right now.
I am honestly sick of this. I know I sound whiny and not "walking in victory" or whatever, but it's like I told God, I feel like I'm jumping through hoops trying to figure out how to get Him back.
...and yet, when one of my 5th grade boys came up and asked me to pray for him tonight, it felt right. Just for a moment, I felt Him again. I felt His power, his calling, his anointing. Then he walked away, and the sadness and hopelessness engulfed me again.
I guess I'm asking you all to keep praying, because I'm not "there" yet. Whatever "there" is...
I know how you feel, but try to get discouraged. God will take care of you and your family. Two weeks before our breakthrough, things seemed very dark. It seemed like I was being engulfed as you said. Then suddenly God moved. Just know that we serve a God who can turn things around in a matter of moments.
It was not by accident that you felt the power of God as you ministered to that young boy. That is what God called you to do. No matter the location, or the situation, your calling is unchanged. Keep operating in it. Keep living it. As you do that, God will see that you are committed to Him and committed to His call. He will then put you in the right place. Rejoice with them that rejoice, for soon your day will come.
One thing about life that is certain, you will get a chance to experience joy as well as pain, for neither lasts always. This is the year of release, the year for a breakthrough, a time of harvest. You are not forgotten. You will not be left out.
I sympathize with you...I have been where you're at...and it's not an easy place yet...it will not be forever, I promise you. This is just for a season.
I really encourage you to do all that you can do without a ministry position right now that you can't do when you have one. Think of every single advantage there might be,and do it. You need a break during this time, as much as you can afford one.
Wish I could be there in person to console you and just have tea with you.
Thanks for all your encouraging words. I had a very hopeful conversation yesterday - you can read about it in my new post.
I'm still a little sad that my friends are leaving, of course, but as we all keep saying, this is the 21st century, for crying out loud! We have modern technologies like cars, and phones, and e-mail. It's not like the prairie days when moving to another state meant you were saying goodbye forever.
Yeah, expect me to be sad and weepy about this a few more times before all is said and done. But you're right, Deanna - this IS only for a season.
