This has really been bothering me lately...one minute I'll be confident about everything - that God is listening to me, and praying in faith about my situation, yada, yada, yada...and I'm ready to take on the world - me and God together.
Then we get a call from a bill collector. Or I go another day without getting anymore leads on churches. Or I find out, as I have in the past week, that my SP is planning to leave, and he hopes to be gone shortly after the first of the year. Then I find out that YP has gotten no leads either - there's no way any of us can stay in that church with our SP gone, and so we've all been contacting our area directors, etc. - and am faced with the possibility of our best friends having to take a job out of the area. Or us, for that matter.
And I turn into a pathetic, crying mess all over again.
This has been the cycle for me lately. So now, on top of everything, I am worrying that I am doubting when I ask, and that I am like a "wave of the sea, being tossed and turned;" "a double-minded person, unstable in all my ways." "Let not that man think he should receive anything of the Lord." [Can you tell I studied James my last year of Senior Bible Quiz - even after 16 years, I still remember it! ].
I want everything to be okay. I want to find a new church where I can minister. I want my friends to be able to stay in the area, too. I want our finances to turn around. I am sick and tired of dealing with this stuff. And I have to go to church and pretend that everything's okay...because SP has not announced anything yet - he's only told his staff during what is possibly THE most inconvenient time of year to look for a new position at a church.
I don't even know if I have what it takes to be in the ministry. I can preach a sermon, work a puppet, build relationships with kids - but I am not dealing well with the emotional stuff. I am tired of saying goodbye to friends. I am tired of antagonistic church people. I am terrified of what is going to happen, and God doesn't seem to be saying much to any of us...just keeping us all in limbo!
Yeah...I promise that my next post will be a happier post...
Please...no need to put on the happy face here, if you are going through something...we understand. We're here to listen and help you to have that happy face once again.
You are not double minded. You are simply going through the ups and down of life and ministry - which are often unpredictable. I don't take the "double minded" scripture to mean as you suggest. We all face ups and downs with life and ministry - but I see doublemindedness as a person who does not know what they believe, perhaps they easily backslide, or they do not know how to "take a stand" for what is right. They agree with one person, then turn around and agree with someone else on the exact opposite. This is not the case with you, you are simply going through a valley and experiencing all the emotions of such.
First - do not stress over the financial part of it as difficult as that may seem. This church has never taken care of you financially and your secular income is what you mostly live on. If you needed to, you could get another PT job that would probably pay you a lot more than what the church does. I know it's inconvenient and you don't want to do that. I don't blame you, however I'm just saying, with the pittance this church is paying you, you are not losing much. Your other income would be harder to replace but your church income is not that significant if I remember right. I think your dh is also working for the church as administrator, correct? If I were you, my priority would be getting him another job til' you go somewhere else in ministry. I can't imagine they are paying him a great amount either, so...although you may have to work secular jobs you have no interest in for a few months, I think it would be possible -- til you get the next ministry position. My husband and I were in such a situation once and although we absolutely hated it, for three months, he waited tables -- and believe it or not it was better money than we were making in the church! It paid the bills during that time til' we got another position. Those are the kind of jobs too, where you can easily move in and move out and nobody is expecting you to be there for life or anything like that.
I know you've heard it all before, but it's true - God is in control and He has a new position for you. Perhaps the person hasn't left yet in order to open it up for you or whatever. Perhaps they just haven't made a decision yet. But God's best is waiting for you, just a matter of time. EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY...LET ME REASSURE YOU. I've been down this road before, several times. And let me tell you, though it is not easy, it strengthens you and makes you fearless. Because once you have been through it, you realize you can make it through anything. And so when changes come in ministry, you don't fear them as much anymore because you have already been through it before and made it. Another pastor once told dh and I something during that time that clicked for us...he said, "if you don't have to survive, you can thrive." What he meant by that was that if you are always concerned for your survival at a church you will always be floundering. But if you don't have to survive - if you don't need it - and don't "have" to stay there - you can do the job God wants you to do - WITHOUT FEAR - and in doing so you will make the right moves. (When we do something out of fear it's never the right move.) So, you make the moves God tells you to and then if you don't last there, you WILL survive in life and you WILL go on to something 100 times greater.
As far as having what it takes to be in ministry, you do have what it takes. You are just on a learning curve as far as the emotional stuff. This is something God wants to teach you right now and it's not pleasant. I hate all the same things you mention. I don't know anybody who doesn't. I still hate goodbyes worse than anything (in fact a friend and I talked about it at lunch this past week), and I hate the antagonistic stuff (though I have learned to manage it so much better over the years). God gives you a special grace to handle it.
Be encouraged Puppetmaster - this is but a season and it has come...to pass.
You're right - this is something I need to learn...painful as it may seem! I decided yesterday to go to chapel (the advantage to working in a Christian college - staff are allowed to incorporate chapel into their work day once a week!), and as we were singing "You are good, you are good, and your love endures..." I felt God saying to me, "Am I really good in your eyes?"
Then the speaker was a young lady who told about her experience being a student at Columbine High School the day of the shooting. Talk about putting my life in perspective - this girl lost friends LITERALLY, as in, they died! So by now I'm thinking, "Okay, God, I get it!" He knows I'm dense and need to be hit over the head several times with a point. I told God that He and I would still be okay no matter what happens...this was a huge step for me. I'm not going to lie; I want us all to at least be able to stay in the same area (and God knows that!) - but I feel more at peace about it; not as desperate. More trusting of God to work out the details...
CA's fangs are out again, full force, and I am trying so hard not to say anything to her that would get me into trouble and jeopardize my reputation. She is vindictive enough to write a letter or call whoever I'm interviewing with and tell them how horrible my DH and I are...this is why I have already obtained permission to give my SP's cell phone number to prospective employers if they want to talk to my most recent senior pastor!
As for finances, DH is definitely going to start looking for something else part time. He's thinking Home Depot - there's one right by our house and he's thinking the employee discount would be nice for set building. Plus, they have great benefits...we've also discussed the possibility of his applying for my job at NCU if I get a full time CP position. He'd be great at it, and my supervisor is open to the idea as well - it would be flexible enough so that he could still run the theatre company, but there would be more $$ coming in... He doesn't want to apply anywhere until next week or the week after, because he wants permanent, not seasonal work (and everyone around here is hiring seasonally right now!). He also wants us to be able to take our planned vacation after Christmas .
We were also both eligible for a few more months of forbearance on our student loans (We already used some of them a few years ago!), so we jumped at the chance to not have to pay those until April. That will be a HUGE "I can breathe a little easier" kind of break until we figure out what the heck is going on.
Anyway...I'm still in limbo...more at peace...but feeling a little better. I'm off to go get dressed and head to the church for "Decorating and Donuts" this morning (My SP has somewhere that he needs to be at 1:00 this afternoon, so he set the church decorating party at a most ungodly hour!). Later...
I've been offline at home for a few days now. So, I can only get online @ church.
I hope you are doing better now Puppetmaster. I agree w/ Deanna. I do not think you are being double-minded either. We all have our good & bad days in the ministry. And let's face it. Jesus wasn't jumping up & down, excited about getting on the cross. He was stressing, sweating blood. But His Father gave Him the grace & strength to face it.
15 minutes until church. Gotta run. God does have a plan for you Puppetmaster. God's timing is definitely different than ours, but it is always PERFECT!
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