As a new Co-pastor I am experiencing some crazy things. My pastor is a male and married. I was good friends with his wife when the church first started. We are no longer friends for a couple of reasons. The problem is she treats me with know respect, she now sits in the pulpit between me and her husband. She is telling people I want her husband. The hurtful thing is we have been friends for well over 10 years. She knows me better than that. I have discussed the issue with the pastor. I feel because he has to have a happy home he is allowing her to run and disrupt the church. In speaking with her, she wants me to submit to her beacuse she is the First Lady. Maybe I am doing something wrong or maybe this is just a test. I do not beleive God will allow his servants to be mistreated like this. But yet I sit and take it. I have really humbled myself in this situation. Please anyone help me to understand. I would love to hear from First Ladies also. Just so I could understand where she is maybe coming from. Not only does she disrespect me, she does others. Almost as if she is bitter her husband is now Pastoring.
Beloved, I pray that all things will soon become well... I noticed a few things that sent up red flags for me...
1 - We are no longer friends for a couple of reasons. Whatever the reasons are that you ended your friendship may also be the source of this problem. She may not feel comfortable articulating to anyone else what these problems are or were, but apparently these problems did not include her husband because you still have a positive relationship with him... And people may wonder why you are still friends with him if you can't be friends with her so the logical (at least to her) explanation that people would believe is that you must want him (or that he must want you which is the image of another issue). It may sound crazy to you and I am willing to go out on a limb and say its not true, but it often looks "strange" when a woman is friends with a man and can't deal with his wife...
2 - How did you become the Co-Pastor? - Sometimes the process itself causes the frustration. Was this by church decision or a pastoral choice? How were you presented to the congregation? If you read my recent posts you will find that I am the new authority on confusion concerning the Co-Pastor...
3 - The Pastor's Happy Home - You said that you talked to the Pastor about these problems and I did not get the impression that he responded in a way that you thought was sufficient... Mainly because you said that you think that he is allowing his wife to run and disrupt the church just to keep a happy home... What exactly does she run? How is she running it? Is this a perceived level of authority or an affirmed one?
4 - Comparisons - Does the Pastor affirm you often and not say much about his wife? Does he talk about how wonderful a job you are doing and publically praise you for your work? I know you say she runs everything, but does she get recognized BY HIM for what she does? It may be that she feels as if her labor is not recognized by him while he treats you like you are the best thing since sliced bread... Or perhaps it is the other way around... Perhaps he feels like he needs to constantly praise her to deal with her insecurities about what she does offer... Take notice of who gets the praise (give the glory to God!).
5 - What is your family situation? - Is your husband involved in this ministry? How is handling it? What does he feel?
6 - Did your Pastor just start pastoring? - You said that the wife seems bitter now that her husband is pastoring... Some of the problems that you are describing sound like problems of insecurity and inexperience. Is this a new church plant? How old is the congregation? How old are the Pastor and First Lady?
Well now that I have put out the questions I have let me just share with you that I am praying for you... God be praised in my nearly 17 years of being married to the man of God I have not had the issue of jealousy and concern about my husband's fidelity (that is not the demon that attacks my house - believe me we have had other issues), but I can tell you without a doubt that satan attacks at the place that will make you say ouch (why bother someone who does not have an eating problem with a temptation of food)... If your pastor's wife is telling people that her issue is that you are after her husband, she is letting you know that this is an issue for her in her thought process. You need to pray that God will strengthen her security concerning the sanctity of her marriage and that God will remove all doubts about the strength of her marriage covenant. Pray that God will not only the heart of her husband to safely trust in her, but that she will trust in her heart in him also. Find yourself warring in the spirit on her behalf and declaring the word of God to true and prominent in her life, for we calls those things to be not as though they were. Start with Proverbs 31... Declare that the value of your pastor's wife is far above rubies because she has being made to be the virtuous woman... And don't stop until her children arise to call her blessed and her husband also and HE praises her.... Declare that many daughters have done excellently but she as the First Lady will excel them all...
Job 22:27-28 Thou shalt make thy prayer unto him, and he shall hear thee, and thou shalt pay thy vows. Thou shalt also decree a thing, and it shall be established unto thee: and the light shall shine upon thy ways.
The Bible is clear - For where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work. James 3:16 You must be a catalyst for healing - after all that is what God call you to do. You must be sure that you do what is required of you - she may very well be your mission field.
1. After the friendship ended I tried to continue to work in the ministry with the First Lady. Just as I do with the Pastor. We use to be eat sunday dinners togther, travel together, our children have grown up together. I was the one who ended the friendship(with the both of them) because I felt as those friendship was getting in the way of ministry. I did it respectively. I was given the assumption by her that she beleived it was for the best. My husband at the time tried to continue being the pastors friend, but she thought that should end also. The Pastor is still praying that we could all be friends again. The only relationship that I have with the Pastor, is ministry relationship. I was trying to do the same with her.
2. I was interning as Pastor in another state. The pastor of the church that I am at now asked me and my husband to come help him start a new church. He then ask if I would co-pastor.
3. When I say she is running things, he does whatever she tells him to. Even if some things have already been in place, if she doesnt like it she gripes and complaines. We have meetings and when she says lets go, it is time to go.
4. The Pastor never conffirms me. I do not need him to. As long as God is well pleased, thats enough for me. I dont look for man to reward me.
5. My husband is the deacon. But she takes the money from him and count it herself and then tell him to deposit it. He is fustrated, but believes God will send some deliverance.
6. The pastor has been pastoring for about 6months now. They both are between the ages of 30-34.
With all the said, she has always been insecure as far as her husband is concerned. That is one of the reasons she was excited about me co-pastoring. She thought that would keep the women from approaching him. I just never thought she would then began to accuse me. Its just really hard to sit here and take all this. But I am trying to do it with Grace.
It's good to have you here...I'm glad you found us...
Flow brings up some good points as usual. Not only does she have insight on the issue, but she is living much of this herself, as she pointed out -- she's walking through these waters right now and it's not easy.
I would agree with her that where there is envying and strife, there is every evil work. You can walk together unless you are agreed, and that means not only with the man, but his wife. (For they are one flesh.) It is going to be nothing but strife in that place if these issues are not resolved. You cannot just work with him but not have a relationship with her. You can do it, however I mean - not successfully. I say this with experience on both ends...
There have been people who I have tried to work with whose spouses I have not clicked with. Although I tried my best, it simply wasn't feasible long term. On the same hand, there have been people in times past who have worked well (on staff or lay leadership) with my husband but not with me. They had the attitude, "I'll work with him, but just avoid his wife." This didn't work because I'm so involved and dh and I generally flow as one so it's impossible to avoid me. Of course, I am in the co-pastor role which is different from your situation, preachinggirl, in that your first lady is not...this makes it a rather sticky situation -- though she is not co-pastor, she is one flesh with the man of the house. Aye-yay-yah...I dunno...this is really a sticky one...
But I would say, I don't see how this will go successfully unless there is a meeting of the minds...
