Hey ladies! I really am about to blow my top and I need some advice . We have been here for one year (yeah) and we have had this ongoing problem with the ministerial assiatant. She and her family have been at this church for 6 years. (She grew up here also) Her huband is a deacon , she is a SS teacher and they have 2 children. The issue is " nobody likes them" her words. She says that people leave them out.. that her kids are treated bad. that noone invites them to anything and if they do attend anything they sit alone. She has told my dh that we have been treated like gold but they haven't (whine whine) Ok I have been observing them since all this came up last Christmas just to see what the deal is. First of all They isolate themselves. They want everyone to come to them and they don't offer to go to others. They are always woest me...never happy ,never feel good. etc. Their children are aggravating but the son has been to my home several times to hang out, spend the night etc. The Daughter is a know it all but she can be very loving . The mom has never invited anyone to her home for a cookout. They have been invited to cookouts, Special dinners , etc ...don't show. So she comes to my dh today and tells him they are probably going to leave the church but she wants to keep her job . I'm going no ! She is upset with our youth pastor for some reason ( he doesn't cater to her kids) So therefore she is allowing staff dissention . I am trying to be patient but I am ready to let her have it. I can't stand whining. She thinks that we have it made and she is treated as less than yet she tells my dh that she isn't called into the ministry but yet she wants staff privileges ( what ever that is) What would you all do? PASTOR DEANNA!!!!! that is internet yell . help I am so sick of it. I really want to go to her and so .Honey, listen I live in a glass house and people know when I blow my nose. You need to realize that when you work with people you are in a messy business cause we all sinners saved by grace. You need to look at your ownself. Do you invite people over? Do you sit with new people and make them welcome? do you reach out to others. Do you share your space? HUH HUH HUH????? As they say in my family " I could just spit! " What do you do when it's a staff person like she is. Do you just let it go on and on. She leaves the church but keeps the job? My sweet dh is sooooo laid back . I'm like you shoulda said this and this. haha. I am trully wondering what you all think. BTW, Things are really going well and satan is stirring some waters. I know this but the situation above has been going on for 1 year!!!!
Wow, you're in a tight situation. I've been there, and sometimes still find myself in these types of situations from time to time. Here's my best advice, as I've lived it out - in my experience...
First, you must do as your dh wants you to do. You have to respect his authority. So, you can act within those guidelines. I find it's helpful to find out - does your dh have any specific boundaries on this? Sometimes my dh does not mind if I just lay it out there on the line (to staff or otherwise) and sometimes dependent upon the situation, he does mind. There may be certain times and more "political" reasons that he wants me to keep quiet. Other times, he greatly desires me to confront. It is not always him that is in best position to speak to something. Sometimes a staff person will say something in my presence but not always in his. If I am in earshot, I'll correct it. Or if I'm the one they are saying the things to, I'll correct it. UNLESS there is some reason I know he wants me to hold off. As a for instance, sometimes he has said to me, "Don't lay it out there to them. I believe they are going to peaceably resign in the next day or week, etc. etc...just let it go and don't kick up anything about it. If he knew the person had no intentions to leave and would be with us for a while then yes...he would generally want me to confront it whether it be staff or lay person. My dh generally feels, if someone is going to leave why stir up a hornets nest...just let them leave and peaceably go on with the church.
My question about your situation would be...why does your dh want her to stay if she's obviously so unhappy? How can a person be a "ministerial" assistant in a church if they are not attending there? Aren't they "ministering"? I have heard of church secretaries or book-keepers not attending churches, but a "minister"? How would that even take place?
If she's staying, I think you need to lay it out and confront her. If your dh does not "out and out forbid you" to lay it out to her - then do it. The only reason in my opinion that you should hold back is out of respect to your dh. That is the ONLY reason I ever hold back on anything. If he says go ahead, I do. If he says don't..........
That's a whole other ballgame. I detest confrontation but I do it. I can't stand letting something fester. I have to just deal with it and go on. If my dh forbids me to deal with it, I submit out of respect. But it's very difficult for me (not because of the submission issue, but because of the turmoil I feel in my spirit.) I tend to really get very angry/anxious about whatever it is that is taking place and to just keep it in and not lay it out, will drive me to the brink of insanity if I don't have an outlet. (Remember, many posts ago I described to you all that I'm a flight person in a fight person's body!!! ) That's only because dh periodically forces that upon me. So when he does, I usually either walk a few miles (I have to exercise at least an hour, HARD, and I do mean hard, to get it out) or I call a woman pastor friend and just let it out. I have called my friend Pastor Tana before on my cell phone riding down the road, just screaming my guts out. She can handle it. Thank God, she and a few others have saved my life several times. When it just gets to the absolute popping point when I am going to go over the edge, sometimes I just have to make that call and say, "let me yell it out". She, or another friend in ministry, listens and then tells me, "WOW...THAT IS REALLY BAD." And you know, it makes me feel 100% better just being validated and hearing that somebody hears me and believes with me that the behavior, whatever it is, is wrong. Even though the problem is not solved, per se, at least the outlet of steam to my ministerial colleague has saved me. I can't talk to my dh about this at length, as far as screaming it out, because he feels bad because he knows I'm screaming it out because he won't let me confront the situation as I want to, whatever it is. And usually he's waiting on the proper time to confront the person but it doesn't make him feel good to hear me blow up about it because he knows.........if he just dealt with it at that moment I wouldn't be blowing up about it. (Make sense?) So, although we don't keep secrets (I tell him I'm making the call to a friend, and our conversation is not secret) - I don't make him the person I go on and on to about it because it just puts a wedge between us. And that's what the enemy would want.
Sometimes things are best shared with your women friends, know what I mean? I can see that this woman is really under your skin and rightfully so. She needs to go. She's a hindrance to your ministry, she's a whiner and she' not loyal to you. She's loyal unto herself. That's what it amounts to. She's not an asset to your ministry. At some point your dh will see that. Right now he's entertaining what to do. You obviously have your strong thoughts on it. My opinion about that is - speak your thoughts to him...let him know whatever your wisdom is on the situation (let your voice be heard to him in private) then leave him alone and let him decide what to do. Ask him how far he wants you to go in confronting or correcting her. Take your cues from him. If he asks you to subdue your expressing yourself to her, then you need to get it out somehow or it will affect you. Feel free to post here anytime or call me. I know other people on the board stand with you and would help you any time as well.
Don't allow this woman to drive you crazy. She's not worth it.
) That's only because dh periodically forces that upon me. So when he does, I usually either walk a few miles (I have to exercise at least an hour, HARD, and I do mean hard, to get it out) or I call a woman pastor friend and just let it out. I have called my friend Pastor Tana before on my cell phone riding down the road, just screaming my guts out. She can handle it. Thank God, she and a few others have saved my life several times. When it just gets to the absolute popping point when I am going to go over the edge, sometimes I just have to make that call and say, "let me yell it out". She, or another friend in ministry, listens and then tells me, "WOW...THAT IS REALLY BAD." And you know, it makes me feel 100% better just being validated and hearing that somebody hears me and believes with me that the behavior, whatever it is, is wrong. Even though the problem is not solved, per se, at least the outlet of steam to my ministerial colleague has saved me. I can't talk to my dh about this at length, as far as screaming it out, because he feels bad because he knows I'm screaming it out because he won't let me confront the situation as I want to, whatever it is. And usually he's waiting on the proper time to confront the person but it doesn't make him feel good to hear me blow up about it because he knows.........if he just dealt with it at that moment I wouldn't be blowing up about it. (Make sense?) So, although we don't keep secrets (I tell him I'm making the call to a friend, and our conversation is not secret) - I don't make him the person I go on and on to about it because it just puts a wedge between us. And that's what the enemy would want.
