Your opinion on mastrubation

Texas POW · Status: Offline

Your opinion on mastrubation

cassandra · Status: Offline

Wow you are right about it being a controversial issue. When I dealt with out teen age girls (9-12 grade) and even some college age kids, and we worked thru Lisa Bevere's Purity's Power Series, Lisa dealt with the issue and didnt turn it into a legalistic issue but let the kids know it opened a door of desire they needed to keep closed and I have heard John Bevere teach on it and how God delivered him of doing it. That said and out of the way, I did give dh the freedom to resort to that if he needed to while gone for 9 days in China. I know his drive and I would rather him be able to do that without feling guilty because I released him to do it IF he felt he needed to. I am saving mine up! lol I am dreaming about it everynight now. (I must have a stronger drive than I think then huh Deanna? haha) Maybe busyness does cover it up some. Hum. anyway back to the big "m"

I personally think if it starts getting in the way of sex or replacing sex or if the other partner genuinely is bothered by it, it is wrong. It is then being driven by selfishness and lust. With in the confines of marriage is a different thing form young people. It was hard to stand in front of thirty girls and confess to masturbating since the age of 13 until I married. But the girls that opened up to me after that showed me so much. So I have been there and done that. And now that I am married I have no need to do it and dh doesnt do it anymore. Says he feels convicted. But told me before he left on this trip he might not feel bad since I gave him the ok so I think fo rextended periods like that its ok. Oh yeah and when I had my kids I always let him or I'd help him out with it..if you get my point. (I am trying not to be too blunt sorry) DOes that help or did it just sound stupid and x rated?lol

Cassandra

puppetmaster · Status: Offline

Makes total sense, Cassandra!

I'm coming at it from a completely different angle...when I was in high school (starting at age 14 and I didn't outgrow it until I was about 21 - when I went on the pill just before I got married!), I had horrible, excruciating cramps each month. To the point where I was literally CRAWLING from room to another because it hurt too much to walk. I tried Tylenol, I tried ibuprofen, I tried heating pads and chamomile tea...but the pain was still pretty bad.

I read in a teen magazine when I was about 15-16 that masturbation can help in the relief of cramps, because it releases endorphins. Perhaps teen magazines give girls way too much info, but the next time I had cramps, I tried it. And it did lessen the pain somewhat...at least enough for me to drift off to sleep for awhile at night!! During those moments, there was absolutely no lust involved - no thoughts of sex whatsoever - just desperation to get rid of cramps and get to sleep. So in that case, no, I don't think it was wrong.

The trouble became when I realized how good it felt and started doing it in between times, and it became a habit of sorts. A nightly ritual, even when I wasn't in pain. And oftentimes, I was thinking about a guy...whether it was my latest crush, or Christian Slater coming in to sweep me off my feet...Before marriage, it can be a dangerous thing. It starts a fire, and pretty soon you start thinking along the lines of, "Hey, if this feels good alone, imagine how great it would be with someone else!"

After marriage...well, again, not to be crude or x-rated, but, um, mutual masturbation can be a beautiful thing in a sex life! I would highly recommend it, in fact, to newly married couples who have saved themselves for marriage and have no clue what their spouse's body is like, or how it responds, etc. It's a great way to "explore," and help each other along, if you know what I mean.

I guess usually if I've been away from DH, it's usually been at a ladies' retreat or kids' overnighter - not really the place where I can fulfill my own needs! And it's only been for a day or two. There have been times, when one of us has gotten ill after we've been working ourselves up for a nice, romantic evening, and the other has "gone solo," so to speak...with the other's blessing. Not as a manipulative tactic...i.e., "Well, if you can't, then I'm just going to do it by myself," but as more of a, "That's okay, dear - you just concentrate on feeling better and don't feel pressured to satisfy me..."

I think it's all about the individual couple. Sy Rogers, a speaker I've heard a couple of times who speaks on the issue of sexuality, used to be gay. In fact, he even lived as a woman for 18 months at one point! He is now a Christian, is happily married with a daughter, and has counseled thousands of people with sexuality issues...anyway, he has said that because of his past, he and his wife do not engage in masturbation OR oral sex...just to err on the side of caution. He has also said, as a father, that while he's not crazy about the idea, he'd rather find out that his daughter had masturbated than find out that she had given her virginity away to someone...

There's my novel on the topic .

Deanna · Status: Offline

A loaded topic, and one that needs to be discussed in Christian circles more often without all the condemnation. I'm glad to hear some of the opinions that are shared here, because I was beginning to wonder if I was really one of the few out there teaching this. BTW, there's a lot of GREAT info on this on www.themarriagebed.com website. If you have never read this great site, check it out.

I believe if you are masturbating without thinking thoughts of another person (who is not your spouse) then I do not believe it is wrong. Many (misguided) people tell you that's not possible, it's even in some of the most popular Christian books out there. But that's false. If that were true, then how come little children who don't even KNOW about sex masturbate and are fulfilled? A baby even touches their genitals and enjoys it. (You'll find all this info and more on the marriage bed site, but I also got some great info from our A/G counseling place, "Emerge.") Anyway, I have encountered A LOT of ladies who feel condemnation over this issue (from certain teachings) and my dh hears about it from guys, and we have counseled couples...

No doubt, it's wrong to think of someone who is not your spouse, lust over them and do it. However, there are many other uses for it with people who DO NOT do that. First, in marriage, it should never be used to replace sex or get away from your partner for some reason. But if you are separated, certainly it's appropriate (while thinking of your spouse)...or if your spouse is unable for some reason and gives their blessing...etc. I have heard that a lot of men do it with their wives blessing right after them having children (particularly in the 6 week period following) when they are not as "available". As long as the thoughts are not of others, or done with pornography, what is the problem?

I also agree with Puppetmaster - mutual masturbation - one of the most helpful things for couples. I believe it's a key to a spectacular sex life for many........

Also, I believe that many times women have trouble achieving orgasm because they simply don't know their own bodies. How can you explain to your husband what you want if you don't even know yourself? Touching ourselves is not wrong. It's never wrong to touch any part of your body. What can become wrong are the thoughts that accompany it.

I spoke to a counseling center concerning giving advice to youths who struggle with this. They advised me, Christian teens have even committed suicide over the guilt of this and not being able to completely stop, and they come to youth conventions and the like and are bombarded with messages that it will send them to hell. The counseling center advised me to let youth know that their thoughts of sex should be towards marriage. If they are overcome with sexual desires, it is okay once in a while (though not compulsively) to masturbate with thoughts of sex in general, and looking forward to a future marriage, though not focusing on an actual person. The act of sex is not wrong, thoughts of wanting to someday enjoy sex is not wrong, having a sex drive is not wrong, touching yourself is not wrong...but -- including thoughts of another person you are not married to is where you must draw the line.

For those who say it's impossible to engage in masturbation or even sex without doing that I would only say, I know for a fact that's not true! I am a person who, even when having sex with dh, can just think the word "sex" and get turned on! (Seriously) Okay, now that we've gotten "that" personal...I'll sign off for now.

Love you all,

me

p.s. I realize the books by Bevere and also the "Every Man's Battle" are very popular and well accepted, but I do not agree with everything in them. I believe many times people (such as the "Every Man's Battle" writers...come out of a lifestyle of porn or homosexuality as Cassandra mentions...and what they do is go so far to the other extreme instead of a balanced view. I read those books and sometimes I almost get the feeling they do not even think you should get hot over your spouse. It's just too far the other way in my opinion. I agree pretty much cover to cover with the marriage bed website, which is also completely biblically based. Bevere takes issue with oral sex too (doesn't agree with it) and I don't see that anywhere in the Word.

cassandra · Status: Offline

Yeah, I heard Lisa myself mention the oral sex thing and I leaned over to my buddy and said "well, we'll just have to agree to disagree on that one" If that was all me and dh could have, we'd takeit! The only issue with it in scripture is so that a woman wouldnt be defiled by ...and I am quoting..."taste" herself. And I really feel that is due to hygeine problems, not Gods frowning on it. My opinion but am sure you all probably agree.

She also said she refuses to wear a thong simply because they are uncomfortable and didnt want to start something with John she couldnt keep doing. (I personally dont wear thongs 24/7 but am stressing that was her opnion. You are right Deanna, we should never put our issues off on ther people. That is not Gods intentionwhen He sets us free. What may be aproblem with one may not be with another. Right?

I cant wait to check out that website.

And I went the whole first year of marriage without the big O (except the few occassions I managed to talk dh into oral sex. That is lol funny because now HE begs to do that to me not the other way around anymore.) So masturbation was all I had becuase I knew my body and he was intimidated about the fact that I was not a virgin when we married. It took us probably five years to get all that out of our systems. My issues and his. Now its fine and all is great and getting better the more we are open and honest and experimental

It didnt help any either that I grew up in a church that 1) had mostly female leadership that made men feel unspiritual and 2) made men feel even MORE unspiritual becuase they NEEDED sex. I automatically felt dirty as a teen and young married girl. Amazing how much bondage the enemy brings thru something meant to be so precious.

Cassandra

Texas POW · Status: Offline

-- Edited by Texas POW at 21:19, 2005-07-09

Texas POW · Status: Offline

ok - try this again --thanks for all the positive remarks regarding this topic. I feel pretty relieved and normal for once. Dh always told me I was normal - but I've never ever spoken to other ladies about this ever for fear of being labeled a sex maniac or something. but thanks again - lots of good information. I even tried mastrubating to go into labor (which didn't work) and to relieve cramps too (and that did/does work). I know someday I'll have to have a heart to heart with my girls about this - because I know they'll deal with it too. Ii was taught that if you did it - you'd go blind and that sex was jsut part of a wives job that she "had" to do. I want my kids to have a better experience and opinion that I did . Thankfully, between their dad and I - maybe they will.

Deanna · Status: Offline

Cassandra,

Good points, I relate to much of what you are saying. When I read Bevere's book, she said something to the effect (and I think I'm quoting it, but look back and see for sure) she said "I do not believe a woman's mouth was meant for a man's seed." I thought to myself, well that is a nice belief that you have...it is your personal "feeling" and that's fine for you to have it...but where do you get it in scripture, and why if you cannot find it in scripture are you trying to influence people that this is the way God wants others to live?

Also - the thong thing - what does this have to do with ANYTHING? That would be like me saying, "girls, don't wear boy short underwear. Don't start something you can't keep up with." What??? Not only do I not see this in the bible but I don't think it makes any common sense. I'm sure we all wear lingerie from time to time before lovemaking. Okay. So we don't keep it on all the time. Should we not wear it? Some do wear thongs all the time and swear by their being what they find comfortable. So what?

I really hate legalism!

puppetmaster · Status: Offline

People like that need to read Song of Solomon and leave us happily married (and sexually satisfied!) people alone...

Seriously. As long as I'm acting within the Biblical confines of marriage, and only having sex with my husband, no one gets to tell me what we do and do not get to do to make each other happy!!