Question for you all...I seem to have this happen A LOT and you know I finally thought to myself, "Does this happen with anybody else?" I thought I'd ask since here I am faced with it again.
Okay, do you ever have it happen that you invite someone to do something with you and you have it all set up. You are excited...thrilled...can't wait to do your thing. Then...they say, "Well, I really feel we should invite so and so..." Or...worse yet they just go ahead and invite so and so.
NOW...it's not really that you "dislike" so and so, you were just looking forward to a different sort of time. But now you are not going to have that time. Because someone different is in the mix.
This happens to me ALL THE TIME and quite truthfully when it does I just want to back out of the situation and make some excuse as to why I can't make my own invitation!!! I have thought of saying I'm sick and just staying home under a blanket in front of the TV...but that's really not true...so I don't do it. Also...in most cases I can't change the circumstances b/c I' dealing with individuals who don't ask, they just "invite" out of the kindness of their heart. Only I feel like I have just wasted my time when I go. I'm not getting out of it what I originally intended. And I'm miserable.
Before you think, "oh gee, what a selfish thing to feel..." let me say that in 99.9 percent of these times it's on my day off, or such, and it's time that is precious to me, not just any day/night.
I do not feel comfortable to tell the details of my current situation however I will say in times past I have had this happen when I invited a girlfriend or two for coffee, or to the movies, or whatever and then I find out, "oh, I've invited these extra people...they really could use the fellowship..." and now I'm thinking..."uh, that was the last thing I wanted." Again, it's not that I don't like the people involved, not at all. It's just that I had something different in mind and I was looking forward to it. Sometimes I am not as close to the person they invite or what have you.
Usually what I do is...unfortunately it causes me to stop inviting those particular friends to do things because I'm scared this will happen again and I just don't want to deal with it. But in my current situation I can't get away from that for various unspoken reasons...there is no way I can get out of my current situation, much to my chargrin. But, with other things I'll face in the future...
Tell me...what do you do when plans change like this and you are just not comfortable? Do you just stop hanging out with people who do this or just not pursue closeness with them? I can't say, "No, I really don't want you to invite her/them" or "uninvite them, please". I mean, that is just not appropriate and you know that would completely destroy a relationship. And if I back out and they sense my excuse is really not serious or something then it will cause a strain.
What's a woman to do? Please advise me. I'm so tired of spending my time off doing what I don't want to do on way too many occasions.
The same exact thing happened to me this past Sunday!!! I had called a lady from church to meet this week for lunch. We did visit about our food choices alittle at the picnic Friday night - but I know I was so very careful not to discuss in front of other ladies. In fact, it was just she and I - plus our hubbies sitting there- alone. But, Dh said voices travel more outdoors. anyway- even if someone did over hear - they should have been polite and not invite theirselves along. Now instead of meeting this lady - getting to know her because she and her husband joined alittle while back - and I wanted one on one time, I have 3 other ladies coming along too. I know this will completely change the focus of my lunch with this other lady. I really don't know what to do either!! Dh also said that for some dumb reason - people get the mind set that when you invite people from church to do something - it gives others the right to impose too because it's "church". He's got a point too. When I'm at school and I am asked by another teacher to eat lunch- the whole 6th grade wing doesn't crash out party! Makes you wonder huh. What puzzles me the most is how the other gals found out about my lunch??? Next time I guess I need to be more specific and say "I thought just you and I could meet for lunch?" Or invite them to my home or something. But Deanna - I feel your pain! I almost posted the same question.
To be honest, this doesn't happen to me that often -- mainly because I don't invite people out much. (Dh will tell you that is part of my problem.) I agree w/ POW: set up the boundaries ahead of time. You can say something like: " I look forward to us going out to lunch together. There are times I like going out w/ a group of gals, but this time, I'm glad its just going to be the two of us. Its going to be nice having a quiet lunch for a change." Sorry this isn't going to help your current situation. Tracy
I shared my feelings with dh last night and we had a long talk about it. He hates when this happens to us too...it really bothers him. Last night we came to the conclusion that this happens to us so much we feel like it's common and people seem to see nothing wrong with it. So he said, "Is it just us? Is the problem us?" I said, "Larry, I guarantee if you were to look in the Emily Post Book of Manners" (a sort of "bible" on etiquette) this WOULD NOT be appropriate. I guarantee it is NOT considered polite to do this. He said, "Well, maybe that's part of the problem...manners are so out the window today and so many people don't seem to care about them. He said, "nobody's reading that book any more, it seems." So, what do we do?
I told him I was asking you guys and he looked forward to hearing your replies. We too agreed that perhaps setting terms up front, every single time, is the key.
"Others inviting themselves along" is something that sometimes bothers me too...but...to be honest I haven't had as much of that as the person I actually invited, turning around and inviting someone else to join us. Again, it's not that I dislike people - it's simply that I had something else in mind.
And, to further give you insight as to my situation...I am used to ministering to larger crowds just as you all are, and I realize the importance of working the room and dealing with all different types of people. But on our day off and such, it's definitely my preference to be with a smaller group of people. My idea of a fabulous evening is being with one couple, possibly two. My idea of a great girls night out is being with one or two close friends. I enjoy doing ladies events with lots of people but when it's my day off and I have my druthers...I just want to grab a friend and be alone and talk ourselves hoarse and drink coffee. Know what I mean? I just don't relish the crowd. I am a person who craves solitude, and get-togethers with just a few friends to rejuvenate.
I appreciate your insight into this and just letting me know I'm not so alone in my being bugged by this! Dh is beginning to wonder if we are just "out of style" because we don't piggy back other people onto things we are invited to!
As younger pastors, my best friend and I have often felt pressured to include other people whenever we go out, for fear of "offending" others or seeming "cliquey." We have both (she more than me...she's a total extrovert! ) felt like every shopping trip, or coffee, or whatever should be a ministry opportunity, and quite often, others end up being included even though it really wasn't what we had in mind.
But in the past year or so, we have really started drawing up boundaries. As pastors, there are times when we just need to let down our guard and recharge, and people just need to deal with it.
One way we solved that was to do "half and half" get-togethers. Like one Sunday afternoon a bunch of us went to her place for lunch. Then when lunch was over, the rest of the group left and DH and I stuck around, helped clean up, and just hung out.
In the church, there is definitely that mentality that if everyone isn't included every time, you'll be accused of forming cliques. And I think that's probably the fear that people have. And then there's the whole "Oh, no - if people see me getting all buddy-buddy with the pastor's wife, they'll think I'm scrambling for a position of power, or trying to get in good with the pastor. But if I invite others, then it will be a ministry outing, so it will be okay."
But pastors and their spouses need close friends, too. We need to feel like we are human beings, not just these "ministry machines" that dole out comfort, sympathy and advice.
I guess the only thing to do is to be painfully, but kindly, honest and blunt with people that you make plans with. People can be thick-skulled and just don't get hints. Jesus didn't call us sheep to pay us a compliment .
Ugh! I know exactly what you mean. There are those in the church that just can't handle it. And sometimes there is the reverse of what you mention. They think you have to invite certain people all the time.
There was really that issue in our church with a few when we first came. There actually was a certain clique...and when we would have a get together and invite anyone from that "clique", someone would say, "Did you invite the so and so's?" or, "Hey, where are the so and so's?" Dh and I have to be bluntly honest and say, "we don't always invite the same people all the time." When dealing with social events in the church where we invite 4 or 5 couples over we usually mix it up and invite different people. Some people are so routinely oriented, they can't do that...or they are afraid some will be slighted if they are not invited.
Makes you wonder huh. What puzzles me the most is how the other gals found out about my lunch??? Next time I guess I need to be more specific and say "I thought just you and I could meet for lunch?" Or invite them to my home or something. But Deanna - I feel your pain! I almost posted the same question. 
) felt like every shopping trip, or coffee, or whatever should be a ministry opportunity, and quite often, others end up being included even though it really wasn't what we had in mind.
