Well, after my "going 90 miles to nothing" weekend last weekend and giving out about 250% of myself, I finally took yesterday off (first full day off in a few weeks) and a little bit of time today. I had 2 meetings today but other than that, took off. It felt good. Just needed to regroup my body & mind.
Things are going well at our church...we are having an uncommonly good summer. God is so good! Normally we experience the summer slump like most churches -- (I used to hate, and I mean hate summer) but I have grown to appreciate it and right now, I have to admit summer's so good this year -- we are growing and experiencing some wonderful things.
But I have to admit to you all, I'm wondering how to solve some nagging issues I'm dealing with. I shared with you all a while back about dealing with telling some individuals over and over again about doing things/not doing things, and dealing with what I am sensing as disobedience ...or at least asserting of one's will over and over again and...it gets frustrating.
I realized something the other day in reading a book on stress. It talked about fight or flight response which I'm sure the majority of you are familiar with. When faced with stress all of us do one of two things, fight or flight. I have to admit, I'm a fighter. At the heart of it, I'm a "get it out on the table" type person. If someone stresses me out and it's within my bounds to do so, I call them right in and lay it out about what happened and what's expected next time. Mind you, I don't "enjoy" doing that. In fact, I hate it! But I hate 'fleeing" worse! When I have something that is unaddressed it just nags and nags at me until it's addressed. I like to just deal with it and get it over with. Sort of like eating the thing you don't like on your plate first so you can move on to more enjoyable things.
And I'm generally willing to just suffer the consequences of what getting it out on the table might mean...I just want it out and want it resolved. Even if it leaves a bad taste in my mouth at first! Ha! Problem is.....I'm married to someone who thinks you have to be a flight person to survive the ministry. Many times I want to get it out on the table and he says, "No, you can't do that." Or at least...state it that plainly. Therefore, I find myself being a flight person in a fight person's body!!! (ha ha!!!) In other words, many times I find myself stressed out and wanting to just verbalize my honest feelings about something and my husband asks me to choose flight instead of fight, for the "sake of the ministry." That's a very tough spot to be in.
I realize now...I used to do things like eat to compensate for having to use flight when I don't want to. Now I don't do that, I just exercise the heck of a lot! Seriously, I have to find other ways to compensate for the inability to resolve (in the way that feels most comfortable for me) what I'm not happy with.
So, tell me...how do you do it? Are you a fight person? Are you a flight person? if you are a fight person like me...how do you respond by verbalizing your feelings - yet safely stay in ministry? My husband says if you tell everybody what you think all the time...you really won't be in ministry very long. Perhaps true. Maybe this is why so many pastors have ulcers and heart attacks, from holding everything in all the time. If you are a flight person, how in the world do you do that long term without a serious emotional breakdown from piling things up all the time without letting them out?
I let them out on ministry friends, but the thing is, they can't solve the problem or even address it -- once I'm done sharing it with them, they pray but nothing is verbalized or solved with the person I'm upset with.
Do tell............how do you do it? I hope this makes sense to you and is not totally confusing!!! If it sounds like a bunch of psycho babble.........well, just forget you ever read this post.........
I am more of a fight person than flight. I have found what works for me most effectively, however, is to flight for a little while and collect my thought, pray, assess the situation to see if this is a battle even worth fighting. After I have a clear head and some direction from God, I am released to either stay in flight, or go in to do battle. I also HATE a conflict like I HATE the enemy! So I don't look forward to the fight, but I am confident that I can hold my own in the fight. Because I have prayed and sought direction from God, I also am able to use wisdom as I confront whatever issues are present. God helps me to keep my mind clear so that I don't digress from the heart of the issue. THat is a blessing. I can remember times when I didn't collect my thought, pray and do the assessment. Things weren't pretty!!!
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In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path.
I agree with you, it's always wise to the do the assessment first. I have learned that, but it's after the assessment that I want to act and dh is not always keen on that. So, I find myself compensating for it. Thank God I've learned some wisdom on that too. At least I don't eat my way out of it anymore. I work out or get it out some other way.
The hard part is when I am "trapped." (Case in point: one day we were getting ready to start service. Something happened that really flipped my switch. I was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo upset. Well, since fighting is not an option, I went to my office and just pretended I needed to find something. I stayed there with my door shut just calming myself down. The last thing I wanted to do was walk back down to the sanctuary, but I finally did at the stroke of time the service was to start. I felt trapped though, into staying in a situation where I could not act, but needed to just "shove it down" for lack of a better phrase. Once I got home and called a pastor friend and just let off the steam I was alright. At least I stated it like it was to somebody besides Larry. But for those 2-3 hours of church I was pretty wasted inside. I hate to minister in that state of mind, know what I mean?
I guess my thing I'm saying is......I see your wisdom in making the assessment before acting but what I am telling you is, sometimes even after the assessment if made, dh still does not prefer for me to act. So out of submission to him I do not. Herein is my dilemma.......
I'm married to someone that's "flight"........and he's the boss! :
And by the way - 99.9% of the time HE AGREES WITH ME about whatever it is that I'm upset about!!!!!!!!!! It's just that although he agrees with me the majority of the time he chooses to handle it different. Meanwhile I cannot understand him because I say, "So......let me get this straight. You are upset about the same thing I am. You think it's terrible. You hate it. You can't stand it. Yet...you are not going to act on it?" He says he sees it that he acts, and I react. Perhaps at times. But sometimes I just see that he is steamed and instead of just saying, "I'm not going to put up with this or that anymore" he instead puts up with people's goofiness. And that's hard sometimes. Like I said, I feel like a flight in a fight's body! My dh is like........way too compassionate at times. Oh well, if that's his biggest problem I guess I'm married to the most amazing man in the universe! Dear Lord, help me!
When my DH and I were going through pre-marital counseling, we took a personality assessment - he scored off the charts as "empathetic," and I scored off the charts as "indifferent." The pastor who married us said we would have to learn to balance each other out .
But I totally know where you're coming from. If I have a problem, I like to just deal with it - get it out on the table and "have it out," so to speak. But there are many times when my DH, like yours, Deanna, will say "Not now...let's just let it go."
Me: "Well, aren't you ticked off, too?"
Him: "Yes, but what good will it do to get all mad and confront them?"
Me: "If you think I'll be too harsh, then why don't you deal with them?"
Him: "Because I think we need to let it go."
Yeah...I am definitely "fight" and he is definitely "flight." Although he also has the wonderful gift of discernment, so I need to learn to trust him. One night, for instance, I had the phone in my hand and was about to call a friend of ours and tell him how I felt about him. How the rest of us in our group of friends were feeling, to tell you the truth. That night, both me and my best friend had our hands on the phone and were about to just call him and say, "Please go away for awhile. I need time to think and be uplifted, and I'm tired and dragging from the ministry, and you just dragging me down." Both of our husbands talked us out of making the call that night.
That night, this particular friend's dad died from a massive heart attack.
Can you imagine if all of his best friends called him and told him to step out of our lives, the same day his dad died? Somehow, both my husband and hers knew that it would not be a good idea that particular night. A few months later, we were all able to get together and talk about everything, and things have gotten much better with our friendships with him. Not perfect, but better. He at least doesn't drag us down as ministers anymore (as much...).
That incident really taught me to pay attention to my husband's discernment...it would have been easier for me to just dismiss this guy as a friend, but had we done it at that moment, the kingdom of God may have lost someone! He's still on the edge...but at least it wasn't me who was responsible for pushing him over!
I know exactly what you Mean!!! My dh and I are exactly the same way. Sometimes I think that it is going to drive me crazy because I am like you, if we both admit that we hate the situation, then why should we let it go? My dh is very flight, and I am definitely very fight. There are times when he wishes that he would have listened to me and dealy with it earlier, and there are times when I see that it was good not to address things when I wanted to. The probelm is, my dh usually waits to long to address things. I may be a little anxious to deal with things at times, but he is often way too late.
I know that I don't really have any answers for you on this subject, but I know how you feel. I have prayed for God to help us to at least get in the same book, if not on the same page regarding this issue. Right now, he is reading "How to let it go", and I am reading "How to deal with it and get it behind me". Maybe we need to switch books?
Great Thread. This has really made me think. I've come to the conclusion that I am a little mixed up. Personally, I hate confrontation & have the "flight" mode. Last month when all the big mess first happened at the church on Wednesday, I didn't even want to go to church that night. I convinced myself to go & planned to get to church 5 minutes early instead of the usual, 30 - 60 minutes. Wouldn't you know it, the family that I was planning to avoid, had the same idea to come 5 minutes early. So, I still had to walk in w/ them.
In the same situation, I ENCOURAGED my husband to "fight," which would be his normal self. Except in this case, he sought counsel from our Presbyter who said not to "fight." As I said before, God has fought our battle & had the family release keys, etc., that dh was going to request back. Though the family (except the husband) has since "warmed up to us" again, I still feel that nothing has resolved itself. I keep thinking dh should confront them because of the dissention they have caused, but he keeps saying "no."
So, am I flight or fight? I guess I just want to "fly" & let my dh fight... And the man that I've been married to for 12 years, the one that I thought I knew so well, the one that fights, decides not to ... I guess I'll continue to think this one through.
Think about it this way. I know that we all are accountable to God, but in the hierachy of things....It is God, the husband, and the wife. If after prayer and communications with our husbands, we still are unable to agree, then God will deal with him (husband). In my experience I have found that even if I feel strongly that my dh is not making a wise decision, it is my responsibility to submit to his authority in my life. The Lord will deal with him, and a lot of times, God has blessed because my attitude was right, not necessarily that dh's decision was the right one.
This walk isn't always easy or comfortable, but we know that God cares.
Thanks for the encouragement, everyone. I am fully submitted - no doubt. But sometimes I just feel the stress, that's all. I know the Lord will bless me -- I just want to walk in obedience, yet still find some way to deal with the stress I often encounter. Boy, it can be a lonely road sometimes. There just aren't enough hours in my day to have enough girl time (outside the church) to really get this stuff off my chest. The other day my dear friend, Pastor Tana wrote to me and said she wished we could sit together and have coffee every day. Ditto. You know, I think all my problems could be solved if we could just do that. Nothing that a cup of coffee and an hour with a girlfriend won't solve.
I know what you mean PD. I am totally submitted to my dh's authority and leadership, but sometimes it's frustrating considering that the way we handle things ans our personalities are very different.
I try so hard to trust my husband, because emotionally, he tends to be a lot more level than me. But there are some times that I need my best FEMALE friend to talk to so she can just get angry or weepy or whatever with me...maybe it legitimizes me and makes me feel not quite as "crazy," lol!
Problem is.....I'm married to someone who thinks you have to be a flight person to survive the ministry. Many times I want to get it out on the table and he says, "No, you can't do that." Or at least...state it that plainly. Therefore, I find myself being a flight person in a fight person's body!!! (ha ha!!!) In other words, many times I find myself stressed out and wanting to just verbalize my honest feelings about something and my husband asks me to choose flight instead of fight, for the "sake of the ministry." That's a very tough spot to be in.
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