So...you are the new pastors wife.....you are just trying to get involved, find your niche, lend a hand, work wherever you can, you know. Well, as a piano player, people are so excited to have you becuase they havent had one is so long.....until it comes time to try and really get involved and wham....brick wall! Not wanted! cold shoulder! Wont even tell you what chord songs are in nor get you a copy of the music.....oh they "offer" to but its in such a way you know it would really be putting them out and disrupting their usual practice set so......you try to find it by ear and wind up bowing out of practice for the next week so you can decide whether to keep banging your head on this wall or not. You are offered to sing to the Wednesday night crowd (every now and then, right now averages about once maybe twice a month) since "they" need to rest their voice that week (currently we have two worship leaders (one man, one woman who rotate every other week) Not consistant at all but what can I do? What do I say to the people who, when I do get to sing, come up to me and tell me how much it blessed them and they would love for me to sing on Sundays.....or just ask me "When you gonna start playing in the band? When you gonna sing? I want to say "WHen they let me!" Elder lady invites you over to lunch to get to know you....to see if you were called to lead lady's ministry....why? Cause she currently leads it and wants to make sure you arent gonna take over it (not in so many words but you figure out the subtle plan cause you see the obvious relief when you inform her you have no intention of leading it) But what if you did ever want to? So the childrens ministry is the only other dept you have any experience in and the only one half way inviting your participation and input. So, you go for it. But it still hurts. What do you do with the brick wall? Does it ever get better? Is it just because we are the "new" pastors?
(The former Pastors wife didnt do ANYTHING in the church from what i am told. So my eagerness for involvement is seen as good and exciting to most that I hear from....just they dont know what I am going thru running into these walls)
Cassandra, where are you most effective? gifted? We cannot be all things to all people or let peer pressure lead us in area's to serve in. Let the Lord lead you! Nevertheless, there should definately be lines drawn on what title you'll have or what they should call you. If you feel called to co-pastor at all, I would get with dh and make sure you both project that from the beginning (i.e. letter head, door plates, bulletin, etc) In my opinion,I'd instruct them on what to call you ASAP (i.e. Sister so and so, or pastor) because it's a lot harder down the road (when you know where you are going to step out and serve with all your might) to "train them" on these things. Talk with dh, see what he thinks is the most vital area that needs you and matches your gifts/talents. Then...."You Go, girl!" PS in regards to WM's... if you have a teachable leader already let her do it but begin to give input and leadership to her because (hind sight) she should be deferent and respectful to you as the Senior Pastors or it could be trouble down the road.
We have been given the advice numerous times, that the first year in a new pastorate its best not to make big changes and new programs. We are trying to stick with that but what I am talking about is not even letting me be involved in current things already in place. I am not trying to be any more involved than I would be as an APW or average church goer. I like to be involved in something at church. Always have. Either a member of the choir, or teaching a sunday school class....something. And since I have small kids and a heart for childrens church to be great (at the time we didnt have a childrens church here. They were just getting it started so i have really been able to get involved and have a say in the flow of it and its going great.) But that MAY be only because the man and wife that were goign to head it up, the wife had to go to work on the weekends or I probably wouldnt be able to do much here. Who knows.
I dont know that i want to be called Pastor. I think maybe one lady calls me that. Barak leans on me for advice and the elders know we work like that. How much involvement makes you a COpastor? Most are so respectful. Even the wall people are nice and I dont think one or two of them mean any out right harm. Some are still cautious 9and rightfully so....we are the new guys) but, its hard. If they wont let me, the new pastors wife say or do anything, then what about the new couples we are attracting and trying to plug in.....will they make room for them?
I want to be most effective, so I am considering telling the music director, thanks but no thanks. That I feel most welcome in childrens and can really make an impact with the kids and parents there so I am gonna focus there. Should I make such a statement? (I have only made hint of my feelings) but EVENTUALLY dh hopes I can be involved in music some. I am just hoping eventually the new wears off, they begin to trust you and respect builds and you have some leverage. Its hard being a newbie. And a young (31yrold) newbie is worse.
THe first year is very tough, I know we just finished our first. The second has been so far easier when it comes to walls but I still find them and when I do it hurts. I am not sure what they expect of me. I took over the children's dept. because we had no children's church at all. Its really hard when they get excited about the kids coming in our highest number was up to 25 last year and then I under the Lords leading change some things up and now we are back down to 12 and 4 are our own kids. I would, if asked, make the statement that you seem to be more needed in children's church right now. WHen they need or want you to use your talents in music that you may be available at that time. Leave the door open don't shut it. Let God do that. All I can really say is hang in there. This is our first pastorate and it is definately a learning place. We have determined should the Lord ever move us from here that we would like to petition for larger churches with more ministries that are active not ministries that once were. But should the Lord lead us to move forward then He will have to reveal where when and how. It's not easy walking into a new ministry. WE were always on staff except with Chi Alpha. There is no set limit to what is or isnt expected from the pastor's wife. The last pastor here the wife did nothing too. Barely came to church from what we have been told. It has made the level pretty high for me to show that I am part of the ministry not just the wife who sits on the pew. (which I have NEVER done)
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"How can I keep from Praising Your Name, How can I ever say enough, How amazing is Your Love!"
As far as what makes one a copastor... I'd say that's between you and the Lord. It's a call that not every SP wife feels. Therefore, I don't push that onto every pw. Nevertheless, this is our only church as the senior pastors. We came here approx. 14 years ago and dh was 31 when he became the SP. It is a healthy church so, we have stayed here. We made changes slowly too (but from the beginning because it was so important to my dh and I we made it clear that we copastor). My definition in a nutshell: We lead the church together and move forward in important things after much discussion/prayer. I feel called to teach adults... so for years I taught Sun School and occasionally pulpit ministry (came here with a newborn and toddler). Now, I do more pulpit ministry and have backed away from so much Administration behind the scenes. I've let go of SS and soon WM's so that I can focus on preaching. People will try to put you in the mold they perceive is politically correct or the previous PW gifts or talents. That's why you need to know yourself and be able to say no guilt free! Always nicely of course!
We have often heard about the first year "honeymoon" but unfortunately we have never been able to have one. I'm hoping at some point in ministry I get a honeymoon!
The first year is hard, and walls are indeed difficult. My prayers are with you.
Co-pastoring is a personal decision. If you don't feel comfortable with it, it's not for you. But I know you are an involved partner nonetheless. Some are involved pastor's wives and this is awesome. Sometimes I find that in a church where the PW did little or nothing previous, it can go both ways -- some will be estatic that you want to be involved, others will wonder why in the world you are, and think, "is that really her place?" Usually the reactions are mixed.
I believe you should pray about where you should get involved and then go for it. Barak's backing will be a huge key for you...because when and if people get upset at you going for it, he's going to have to be prepared to defend your involvement in whatever. So make sure you are in agreement walking forward.
No matter what remember that our most important ministry whether co-pastor or pastor's wife is to be available and love the people. I love preaching but the thing most people say has made a major difference in their life (through my ministry) has been being there for them and personally loving them. Sometimes simply taking time after service to give hugs, to make that phone call, to send a note, to take time to care.....it means so much.
Walls, walls everywhere. And not just at me. My husband vented today how many he is hitting and how elders are not letting him lead or have ANY say....its getting frustrating to the max. I had no idea how bad it was getting. No wonder he feels powerless. We just discussed how we will NOT burn ourselves out again. We could be too effective in a setting where people were wanting to let us lead. To sit and bash our heads up against a wall....just not gonna do it. If this church keeps on, we will kiss Arkansas good bye and head to Florida. We are serious. We want it to work but not gonna burn out or let ourselves be used up. So, just pray the meeting (that should not even have to happen) will go ok tonight. He is gonna be honest and let the elders know its not right to not give him any authority and treat him like a hirling preacher boy for Sundays. To make matters worse, the pay increase they said we would get in six month....they havent breathed a word about it since. And we are having it tight.
Will definately be praying for you and your situation. May God lead and direct you and your husband andmay the walls fall so that you can be used effectively for His purpose!
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"How can I keep from Praising Your Name, How can I ever say enough, How amazing is Your Love!"
