I am finding myself in need of some wisdom on the issue of spending "alone time" with ladies. This may seem a rather odd question, I know. Allow me to explain.
I work FT at the church. I realize for those who do not this doesn't present the same challenge because you probably don't have time to 'do lunch'.
There are many times women in the church request to have lunch with me. I know, I know...what's the problem? Well, it's usually not a problem in the case of:
A) If it's one of the ladies I work very closely with by choice (my assistant, one of our key leaders/team members). This might be a casual fun lunch with a leader not necessarily for church business purposes. B) Having a business/ministry lunch meeting purely for those purposes. C) A one time (or rare) lunch with someone else just to "get to know one another better - get better acquainted as member/pastor, but not for the purpose of becoming bff's. This would just be the occasional outing to get to know someone better and fellowship, with no unhealthy expectations involved.
However there have been occasions where "lunch" has been a problem over the past 21 years of ministry. And it's those situations I want to avoid. Some of these are:
1) Woman in congregation has the "I want to be the pastor's wife's best friend syndrome" and thinks the way to make that happen is to invite me to lunch all the time. 2) Woman in congregation wants her way on something and lunch invitation is a manipulation to get it especially if she thinks I'm not necessarily for it. (Example - say she is not one of our women's leaders nor am I comfortable with her, however she feels 'called by God' to lead a portion of the ministry. Lunch in her eyes would be a setting for her to get me in position to talk to me about it.) 3) Woman in congregation wants more than normal pastoral care and views lunch as an extended counseling session. 4) Woman in congregation is manipulative/dangerous and will meet with me privately to discuss things, try to gossip, twist my words on something, etc. We wish stuff like this wasn't as issue in ministry but let's be real ladies, it is...
So here's the issue. If it's not A, B or C, I really don't want to do it. But it's hard to get out of it.
If a lunch meeting is not for the purpose of A, B or C then my husband really thinks it may be a good idea to always have my assistant with me. Anybody who asks to go with me would just be told Cathy will be coming with us as well. My husband thinks this would prevent 1, 2, 3 or 4 from happening completely as people would just not feel free to talk in front of her if they were wanting me for those purposes. I agree but the problem is, I think people would just say, "oh...well, no I was really wanting to go alone because I had some things I wanted to talk to you about."
And what then? Say, "no, you can't talk to me?" That isn't appropriate either.
I know some pw's who don't have lunch with anybody because of these issues. I did think about that at one point but honestly, I'd be missing out on some wonderful times with women who don't do items 1-4.
I don't want to be "exclusive" or seem uppity. I don't want to be distant or unapproachable. But I also want to guard against 1-4, because I think they are unhealthy and the Lord doesn't want that in our ministries.
It hasn't been widespread as a problem but once or twice is enough. I did have one lady in the church previous who met with me for lunch, had some long conversations (nothing wrong said on my part) however she twisted everything I said and I didn't have a witness to prove what I did say! It was just her and I at the restaurant. I was really left open and vulnerable for attack.
Like I said, some of you don't even have this issue if you work away from the church, you can just use the excuse that you can't get away for lunch. But with me they know I am there everyday and I can arrange my lunch schedule if I want to.
This is on my mind a lot because I have a few invitations on the burner right now.
This sounds a little "off the wall," but as a former admin assistant who acted in this capacity (never in a lunch setting, but it could work!), it really is effective:
Don't invite your assistant to come along WITH you. However, ask her if she would be willing to come along to the restaurant and sit at a table NEAR you. Make sure the person who invited you to lunch knows she's there - walk over to her table and say hello...whatever. One of two things will happen:
1. If it really is just an innocent, "We both need to eat; let's have lunch together" lunch, they will be fine with it - maybe even suggest inviting Cathy to join the two of you.
2. If it's "1, 2, 3, or 4," you have a witness (and chances are, if they know she's there, will not be as comfortable continuing with their manipulative plans, anyway!)
We had a few students at NCU who would try to monopolize the professors' time, twist anything they'd say and use it against them, etc. So when those students made an appointment to see one of the profs, they'd just casually hold their "conference" in the area behind my desk, rather than in their private office. If all was well, I'd just do my work as usual. If I heard anything "out of the ordinary," I had a pen and paper handy, and would just casually jot down notes as documentation - just in case. Worked like a charm every time!
Now that is some great advice. Personally, if you already have a check in your spirit about going to lunch with someone chances are if you do go be prepared for the 1, 2, 3 or 4. I have never had anyone ask me to lunch and it not be a sincere "let's do lunch." Normally I get the "I have to talk to you" at church or through phone calls. Personally the phone call is my favorite because my kids are all young, never quiet and always want my attention when the phone rings...its like a kid magnet. I think Puppetmaster has the best advice.
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"How can I keep from Praising Your Name, How can I ever say enough, How amazing is Your Love!"
Generally, I just go but I am guarded and show discretion with my words. However, once I had a staff pw with me and something real strange happened. She had made an off the collar comment about the way someone was dressed (gawdy) to the other lady present . I spoke up and tried to "cover" by saying something nice about the person they were talking about (how nice they are; looks don't matter unless it's a lure to men). Oddly, an eavesdropper over- heard the situation and spread around that the staffer and myself were being catty over how a lady dressed. I couldn't believe it!!! I didn't say anything but rather, tried to correct their comments by saying something nice! Yet this gossip "fly on the wall" twisted it or thought she heard me speaking ugly and spread it . The passerby didn't spread the kind words around but instead used it as an opportunity to make staff pw and I look bad. The staffer was in the wrong. I was surprised.
I would just read and rehearse things out of "Stop Runaway Conversations" by Dr. Michael Sedler and use it as a teaching opportunity at lunch or not go at all. We are too busy for that kind of none sense! That's why more and more speakers have to have an armorbearer to be 'body guard' because people are like the paparazzi (spelling?).
