THANKS Deanna for the last post...I've been freaking out a little over our children's program which is this weekend. Last week at practice the preschoolers all got quiet on their song and some started crying and saying they didn't want to sing...the 2nd graders (who are to recite some scripture) did a class strike on me and said they were TOO nervous and just giggled the whole time..and my 6th grade drummer said he didn't know he was to play in the program!! HELLO??...I only sent him the CD and a note to his parents weeks ago, plus a few phone calls. AAAGGGHHH! Anyway, everything got settled, practice went well and I decided this week not to worry about things for the weekend. God will be glorified, the preschoolers will be cute even if they just whisper :o) and it will all be over by Sunday afternoon! so, thanks for the encouragement.
but I have another question completely off this topic: how much should you share personally when teaching? do you have tips on certain guidelines for giving personal life examples? Though I know that some things don't ever need to be said in front of a group...how can you keep a balance between being a 'real' leader who struggles with some of the same stuff the women I'm teaching do & yet not say too much becuase you are a leader. know what I mean??
I don't think I have ever shared too much from my perspective, but I have at times received various responses....some women may come to me and say 'WOW, thanks for sharing that story...if you can make it, so can I.' But 2-3x in the past year I have had women who were 'shocked' (their own word) that I could have struggled. I just ignored it and thought...well, I AM Human.
An example of the things I have shared personally would be a struggle with fear and it's different effects in my life. No biggie to me. It's not like I'm sharing intimate details of my married life or something! But seriously, I would like pointers before I teach again this spring. Or is it more learning how to deal with these women?
This is a great question and one I have asked myself often...and been asked by others often. While I don't have a definitive, "this is what you should do" answer, I can only tell you what I have found works for me.
What I share depends on what the subject concerns, of course...but a few of my rule of thumbs are:
1) I don't share any struggles from my current church situation or concerning people in my present church. For example, I don't ever say, "you know, I really faced a difficult situation this past week in the church..." I do share plenty of illustrations about that sort of thing, I let them know about the uniqueness of pastoral struggles, but it's always an example from the past.
2) If it's about a struggle, a difficulty, or a sin in my life personally, I don't usually share current struggles. I will share a past difficulty after a victory has been reached. I have shared a lot of things about my marriage in the context of growth...things I've learned...hurts we've been healed from in the past, etc. etc. I believe this accomplishes a few things...first, it lets them know I am human. But second, due to the fact that I share it in a victorious light, it keeps the healthy respect needed from them as their leader. I have often heard it said, on one hand people want to know you are human but on the other hand, they really don't. People really are looking for someone "beyond themselves" to lead them. People don't respond to a "broken down" leader -- they are looking for courage and strength. I believe that this doesn't mean we never share any of our weaknesses, but I find that it helps me to maintain respect for me to refrain from sharing current struggles. Surely sometimes they see beyond that. (All my faults aren't hidden!) But even with the ones that are currently evident, I endeavor to continue to lead strongly despite them....and I think this communicates, God even uses flawed vessels. (cracked pots!) Surely they can see some of my faults, but I certainly don't have to point them out!
3) If the struggle is not concerning anyone in the church but something I recently got beyond, sometimes I will share it. (if I feel the "familiarity will not breed contempt" if you know what I mean...) For example, I have recently taught a series in which I learned a lot from that really surprised me, as I was preparing it, and I found myself getting free in some areas I didn't even know I had a problem in. As I have taught it I have often told the people, "Wow...God has done a lot in me during this series...things I didn't even expect...and I've had some breakthroughs and changes in my own life concerning the things we'v e been learning."
It's hard for me to keep boundaries, because I'm pretty much an open book, so putting the fence up is hard! But, there are some things (not of the nature I spoke of above) that I just keep personal. Those I reserve for my on line journal, which is absolutely...no holds barred!
Thanks, this definitely helps and I would agree with the points you made.
One thing was really interesting...how do you share and help the women/those you are teaching understand the uniqueness of pastoral struggles without making it sound like you want them to feel sorry for you? I am not a 'woe is me' type of person at all, but sometimes I wonder how to do this because I think it might help others to understand some. I can't expect them to understand it all and that's why there's this board and I have great mentors who are pastor's wives also....but you say it can be done! Can you share more on that?
And yes, I too share struggles that are in the past and that I've received victory over. I think it gives people encouragement.
Well, quite honestly sometimes it's probably not so bad for them to occasionally feel sorry for us! Just half kidding... okay...
Seriously...I don't get too deep, but I do let them know that basically it's a lot different than any of them could ever imagine, and not the fantasy world some of them think it is. It helps that my assistant, Lindsay is pretty brutally honest with people. (She's highly confidential and doesn't say anything she shouldn't) but...at the same time she says some needed things. She often says she wants to do a reality show called, "THE CHURCH." She wants one of the networks to come and tape everything in our office and our church for a week and do an "expose." She says people would never see church the same again! I told her, "I know, many of them may never get saved!" (ha!) Seriously, she thinks it's mind boggling how many problems people have that nobody really knows about, and how crazy some things get that your average person has NO CLUE. And how busy the staff is, and how much we really have on us. These are things she often tells people (I don't have to, really...she usually does it for me and then people say, "Wow PD, is that true?") Like, Linds will make a comment to people like, "I tell you, our staff deals with some really crazy situations and if we put it on TV, nobody would believe it!" Or she says, "I'm surprised Pastor Deanna ever sleeps with all the work she has to get done every week..." Or she says, "We hardly have time to breathe around here, we have so much to do..." or just stuff like that. She also talks about how much she loves her job, how she wouldn't want to work anywhere else, how much fun we have, how much we laugh (we HAVE to, or we'd go crazy!), and all that. But she just gives people a little peek into it, and usually I second whatever she says.
Sometimes when I'm teaching a message, say on perseverance or bitterness I'll say, "You know - there were times I even felt that I would not be able to take another step in ministry when I went through such and such a situation years ago, but this is what I learned about perseverance, character...etc..." Or I might say, "Ladies, several years ago I faced a situation in my ministry that gave me great opportunity to be bitter, resentful, etc., but I chose not to be...I chose to rise above it and let God vindicate me...I chose to reach for higher things...I chose God's way, and look how much He blessed me!" I find that making statements such as this doesn't cause people to feel sorry for me...rather it gives them an appropriate window into the reality of life/ministry and causes them to realize - I have been through some stuff, but I've reached the other side, I'm a victorious overcomer, and now I want to help lead them to a new place where they perhaps are not at yet.
It seems to work for me...but as you mention, you have to do it carefully so it doesn't come across wrong...
