Today I found out that a couple that we know stepped down from pastoring. When my husband told me, I responded, "I do not blame them." Whenever I hear of pastors quitting, I usually respond this way. How do I get over this negative attitude?
Have you ladies come to thoroughly enjoy pastoring and co-pastoring?
The Questions: Have you ladies come to thoroughly enjoy pastoring and co-pastoring?
Well, I enjoy pastoring -- and I enjoyed co-pastoring. But I hated and hate having to deal with the "stuff" -- a worship leader that sometimes just didn't show up (or call!), people who thought they owned the church, smiles and hugs from someone that you'd just heard had madmouthed you.
Not long ago, though, I heard an evangelist say, "You're gonna get hurt. You'll know it when you've been in the ministry a few months."
Got it! The enemy is at work. But we ignore him and get on with the task set before us. The great commission says, "Go ye..." and we quickly develop a tough skin and learn to let go of the negative stuff.
I don't know that it's a negative attitude but rather a "reality" attitude...what we do is tough!!!! Nevertheless, we can not entertain these thoughts or they could become a stronghold. One thing is that we have to know that we know that we're called and get plugged in where we are most gifted or most of us would jump ship! When you see ministers dropping like flies, it can even get a little scary especially the ones that I really respected and looked up too. Keeping my eyes on Jesus and the lives he changes is the one thing that helps. It's all about Jesus.
Finding support like this site helped me too. But before computers it was : 'Just Between Us' magazine. I have wonderful friends even in the church but at some point it wasn't enough...I needed ministry friends who know what I live! Unless it's a really spiritually mature and compassionate lay person, most could not even begin to understand our life!
Here's something I did wrong: I NEVER took time for me at all. I allowed dh to be a workaholic, burn the candle at both ends, (burning me at both ends) especially during our building of a new sanctuary and facilities and the on- going stress attacked my immune system. We had no family or friends near us for our entire 20 years of marriage - NO BREAKS - for ourselves but we did get plenty of marriage time breaks (i.e. that's why we survived and even thrived in that one area). Nevertheless, I am learning that I should have taking care of myself too! DH was having a mock heart attack years ago and it got him taking care of himself with exercise, healthy eating, etc. But I stayed in a state of continuous stress from catty women opposing the copastorate , in-laws who treated me like "the other woman", kids struggling in school plus, the usual stresses of life/ministry and it took it's toll on my health.
Please take care of yourself! Go off to some retreats with your interests in mind. Eat healthy, exercise and get a quiet time for prayer and relaxationevery day. Make new friends. Keep the old. One is silver and the other's gold! Plus, God will throw in a few gems. Do all of this guilt - free! Because you'll be better able to minister to others and maintain a joyful spirit. Like Revdell, I hate the 'stuff' and two-faced people. But that applies to every realm ("stuff" from staff, kids, road ragers, etc). When the stuff gets to be too much, I evaluate what is really important and get my focus again for my health. Because I am worth it!
First Lady, I will admit after many yrs copastoring as the SP's. I get quite frustrated by the staff pastors we've brought in who then leave the ministry to work a secular job. I have even wondered: where are the old-fashioned calls!!? Many of them don't seem to be sacrificial and always have their hands out like - what's in it for me? Dh and I have given gifts to staff pastors for no reason and they don't even say thank you. I don't get it. They want everything upgraded and modern with no concern about the cost. It's like they didn't get the same call we got in our 20's...
How would you feel if God asked you to leave everything you're familiar with and know, go who knows where, with who knows who in ministry ? That's what we did and we worked for "peanuts" financially. But I get ticked off at some of these young guys fresh out of Bible college wanting so much. When they don't get their own way or the ministry is not what they thought it would be, they're out of here! This frustrates me more that the other feelings you expressed at the beginning of the post.
How would I feel? I'll tell you exactly how I DO feel, having left everything I'm familiar with and have gone "who knows where," with "who knows who" in the ministry.
I feel lost. I feel like a fish out of water. I miss my family and my close friends daily - it kills my that my niece who will be born this June is barely going to know me because she will live 10 hours away from me. It scares me that when I have kids, I really don't have much of a support system here. I feel wounded - having come out of two horrible church situations in a row, and trying to adjust to a normal, functional church - and figure out exactly what these people think of me and pray that this time it will actually last without me slinking away with my tail between my legs.
I struggle at times to really believe that I'm anointed and called - with the very idea of a "calling" on one's life. And yet I plug along, knowing that I really couldn't do anything else. Whether it's obedience to God or sheer stubbornness, I really don't know at times - but I can tell you that even in an ideal church situation like the one I am in, I do want to quit at least once a week!
But as Peter said to Jesus, "Where else would we go? You alone have the words of eternal life!" There's nowhere else for me to go - nothing else I can do at this time.
Sometimes I love that idea; other times I hate it. But it's there.
Yes, it is a love and hate relationship. Hate the comments, the laziness, lack of commitment, etc! But at the same time, loving God the Father who is greater than all these things!
Yes, easier said than done! Who you are is not how you feel! I feel fat, am I? No. I feel depressed and like a loser. Am I? No! Remember to remind yourself that your circumstances and surroundings do NOT define who you are and how you feel does not determine what God has placed inside of you since you were born. An elbow does not have to be told how to function, how to bend, or have to have 10 years of trainging. It does what it does, since the day it was born. Same goes for you! You will be scared, hurt, and pushed on, at the same time, you do what you were created to do;despite who, what, where, when, or how.
Ladies, I have learned that with ministers in general today (whether staff pastor, senior pastor, evangelist, etc.) they are "not making 'em like they used to.) I think it's a thing with the society we live in. My husband and I are finding that there are a lack of those who are truly sold out to the call no matter what position they hold. The generations before us would roll over in their graves were they to see this deterioration. It is something that grieves my heart. It really does.
One of the leaders in our church who I truly respect said to me one day, "with how some of the previous staff have acted here, what does this example set for my children?" They gave examples of those who left their pastoral calling to do other things, to work in sales or whatever. Or, those who even left behind working in a church that believes what we believe doctrinally, and went to other churches that didn't even line up with their doctrinal beliefs 100% because they were offered jobs at churches that were considered a more trendy style of church or what not, and this leader said to me, "WHAT THE HECK DOES THIS TEACH OUR KIDS ABOUT THE CALL OF GOD?" I don't know. It makes you numb to think about but all I could tell this leader was, "this is the generation we are dealing with. "
Please don't misunderstand, I am not saying it is only with staff, sometimes you see SP's so this too and it's disheartening either way. Yes, there are sacrifices in ministry for all of us who stay in it for the long haul and Puppetmaster how well I understand the whole thing you speak of about a lack of support system with having kids and all that. Thankfully there was usually in most circumstances somebody in the churches we have served who was sort of my "angel sent from God" in that regard. Don't know what I would have done without them! Puppetmaster, I am going to be praying with you that as you prepare to have a family someone will be raised up even now to be prepared to come alongside you and be the "extended family" there in your local church. And I know I've said it a zillion times before but I'll say it again...Puppetmaster, you are special. I know your heart and I know you personally and I realize what you have sacrificed in your life for the sake of the gospel. If every pastor had staff members like you, our churches would all be booming. I say that because in a multi staff church, dealing with staff is usually one of the pastor's top concerns/worries, if not THE major worry. If everyone had somebody like you it would set the pastor free to lead without concern for all the junk that so often consumes them.
One more thing Puppetmaster - you are definitely truly called. If you don't have very many people confirming that please allow me to. I've observed you for a few years now. Your call is readily evident. Don't ever let the enemy talk you out of it. You ARE one talented, called and anointed young woman whose greatest days are ahead. Part of the issue is, you've been healing while leading. It's something we all go through at some point if we stay in ministry long enough. That has been my greatest challenge - healing while leading.
Firstlady you asked the original question about how we have come to thoroughly enjoy pastoring or co-pastoring. The simple answer is, sometimes I don't enjoy it. (gasp!) Yes, there are days I do not enjoy. Please do not mistake the passion with which I communicate about this topic to mean that my days are just sheer bliss. There are days I want to cry, scream, eat a huge hot fudge sundae or strangle someone, and I do. (Well, all except strangle someone... ) Just because you know you are called, and you are walking in confidence in that call doesn't mean you don't have some really down days that you do not particularly enjoy.
The advice that's been given here is all good and I particularly like some of the things that Autumn Rose said...and I'd echo that with things that have been most helpful for me to help me to thrive and not just survive...
Personal relationship with God - spiritual disciplines - so important Date nights with husband Getaways once in a while without our kids Developing close relationship and maintaining them with other women in ministry (Having a few I can really share everything with, putting it all on the table, nothing held back...) Doing things for myself - fitness has been very important for me
and finally...realizing that as someone called by God and accepting His call fully, I am walking a different road than most and hence will be called to make different sacrifices to be at a different level that many of them will never get to. There is a price to be paid for moving forward. Firstlady, you are making sacrifices others are not making but you will receive a reward they won't receive either.
IF IT WERE EASY, EVERYBODY WOULD BE DOING IT.
It's not easy but you've made the commitment to follow His will.
YOU WILL BE BLESSED.
I love you ladies -- be encouraged. It is not easy, we are pressed but not crushed, persecuted not abandoned, struck down but NOT DESTROYED. We are blessed beyond the curse for His promise will endure, that His joy's gonna be our strength...and though the sorrow may last for the night HIS JOY COMES IN THE MORNING!
Remember, we are special and we are His blessed and favored women...
I must say that I totally love you. I have never personally met you, but you have spoken so much life into my Spirit and into my ministry. I truly believe that if I had not found you, I would have left my husband years ago, because there are some days when I no longer want to help him pastor a church. I really get fed up. And, the most disturbing thing about pastoring is, like you said, healing while leading. I was just talking to my dh about this issue 15 minutes ago. Then, I check my email, and you have sent me a message pertaining to everything he and I discussed.
It seems that every quarter I go through this feeling of unworthiness. I feel unworthy to be married to a great man, unworthy to have anything good. Then, I say God, "Look at who you have chosen to lead these people. It is someone weak, and insecure." I tell Him that He had to make a mistake(although I know He does not make them). I am so ready to overcome this sick soul, this sick mentality that I have struggled with all my life.
Then the other thing was that we just left a service (my dh preached), and we met 2 preachers who have been pastoring for 29 and 30 years. We were so encouraged by them. We were astonished at how they have hung in there for so many years. I know it has not been easy to do.
Dh and I have deccided to hang in there through the tough times. I mean we really do go through tough times. But, there are some "great" times, too.
Thanks for the tips. I will print them out and hang them up.
Ladies, I am just getting back to reading on P/P and you all have very much blessed me! PM it's so encouraging to know that there are staff pastors out there like you and a woman! (smile) I am proud of you! First Lady, Deanna is right about taking care of yourself. In 18 years in ministry, I sacraficed ... always putting others above myself. After all, isn't that what ministry is all about? What being a mother and wife is all about? However, I became very ill from holding in so many feelings and so much anger. Sites like this was the only source of encouragement beside Just Between Us magazine and some wonderful friends all of which are not in ministry. But I found I needed more when it comes to friends living ministry and especially ones who co-pastor. I don't fit the traditional "pastor's wife" mold and not everyone has embraced my call. Therefore, Deanna has been a personal blessing to me also because she embraces my unique calling! Re: negative attitude I am a person who was just 'born happy'. Nothing got me down. I received an unexpected call from an old friend and they said: You just have the best personality and the biggest heart of all I have ever known. I was voted most admired, prettiest girl, " smile, " hair in Junior High. In High School I was on Homecoming every year. In college I was Miss July on a college calendar...this person recalled all of that and reminded me how well liked I always was...how special I was.
But in ministry, many times I've been treated second-class to my dh. I've been snubbed at and my role in ministry wasn't always embraced by some. At 35 there were some hormonal changes from my last baby and my thyroid went bad. " A negative attitude " as well as depression tried to set in which is SO NOT ME. Even my dh will tell you I have always been one of the most content women he has known. He wasn't popular in school nor did he have the limelight like I and now in ministry we are dealing with the opposite of what I was accustomed too. Because of the enmity Satan has for women, ministry is even harder for us. The accuser of the brethern will often times attack us ...sometimes more than our husbands. Ministry is not easy. Nevertheless, take the insights given on this panel and you will see an attitude adjustment. No one ever said it would be easy but you are not alone!
Even as recent as the last time I preached, I felt discouraged because I noticed that two women singers who don't particularly care for me left after they sang as opposed to staying for the preaching. DH is out of town and they do not support me. This hurts but it doesn't affect me like it did when I was physically ill. There was a song by Israel called "You are not forgotten." God used to use that song to encourage me during that dark time-frame when I honestly felt forgotten! So remember, you are not forgotten and don't forget yourself.... do some things to build yourself up and if you can, come to UNSTOPPABLE this year. You will KNOW that you are not forgotten!
) Just because you know you are called, and you are walking in confidence in that call doesn't mean you don't have some really down days that you do not particularly enjoy. 
