I am sorry for being selfish, but I am in so much heart pain. Can someone minister to me about people leaving the church. Especially, especially, especially people you love and care about, that serve on your staff, that serve close to you. (The ones who say they will never leave you and will always be by your side)
There are many families leaving our church(abruptly, in the wrong way), as we are getting ready to build our building. It is like once we got ready to go forward, we have been set back. It is so hard. I have thought about leaving to go to another state far away from working in a church or ministry.
It is even harder because I know this hurts my dh, and I try so hard to be strong for him. I talk strongly around him, but wait to cry when he leaves.
How do we get through the pain of people leaving us. Our children get attached to these people, and they start loving them.
I am now getting to the place where I can not even trust new people who are coming in. I am keeping a safe distance from them. After so many years of disappointment, I can not open my heart and risk my kids' heart to them.
I am struggling just to go to church this morning b/c I do not want to be in their presence.
What can I do, I desire to walk in God's plan for my life, but how do I not take people's actions toward me and my family so personal?
This is a difficult thing about ministry that always hurts. Yet, God can take away the sting. FYI during a building program it is common for people to leave for various reasons even if you had a 100% vote (i.e. ones not there the night of that decision, ones not willing to pay tithes or offerings above for the building, etc.) We went through a building program and now I understand why so many pastors are so negative about it, though, I don't agree with taking that approach. It almost seems like word cursing to me!
My dh and I let people go and give them our blessings. We have never tried to talk someone out of their choice. Our church has grown since we first came here to SP (over a decade ago) but it's had a revolving door too....strange thing! Many times these people left for ministry purposes. We've never had a church split nor are we in a church with a history of such. It had dwindled down slowly, got run down, and coming as the new pastors - God rebuilt it! Nevertheless, people are fickle and there's so many wonderful churches in this big city that from time to time some do decide to leave.
Occasionally, it was personally against dh or I but those have been few and over such things that will not change (i.e. women in leadership, I am too dressy , dh doesn't believe in non-believers being musicians on the platform and leading the congregation in praise/worship, BLAH BLAH... differences in ways of doing things). Here's what helps me:
Keeping my eyes on Jesus and why I am doing what I do. I go to conferences to build me up as a pastor. I take a good look at Jesus and what Paul went through and what scriptures say to do. Paul said to Timothy to gently correct those who oppose you. Therefore, it's a given: we will have opposition! I guard myself from becoming defensive or attacking others. I am learning to not be afraid of confrontation and just realize it's not all "personal". I try to stay teachable and ask God if there's validity to the criticism.
I don't worry about numbers, I look for the nearest person and ask God how to minister to them! If I am having a bad day, I have confided in trusted individuals to pray for me and I take a vacation or break if possible.
The book Conversation Peace has some good insights to adequately communicate in difficult situations. I will pray for you!
This is one of my most difficult things in ministry. I have never met a pastor or pastor's wife who says it doesn't bother them. It's hard, very hard. I too understand the temptation to not get close because you are afraid. Oh how I have been there, done that.
One thing that you must realize is that when everything is going wrong in the church - it's not your fault. But when everything's going right, it's not your fault either! Realize, some things go on that we will never understand because God moves people for reasons sometimes that we will not know for a long time nor may we ever know.
I know it's painful though, especially for the children.
My dh tried to talk someone out of leaving once. Well, he did. It was the worst thing ever. A couple in our previous church was going to leave for another job and move away from the church (a few hours). At the time dh thought it was a bad move and didn't want to see them go from the church. So he begged them to stay. They did stay and about a year later became our worst nightmare and stayed that way all the way up til we left and then caused the next pastor hell. Now he realizes, God was removing them. And we should have let them go. That church would have been spared a lot of grief not to mention us!
Sometimes you can't imagine why God would remove certain people, but it is for your protection.
Other times it's not His will but their own disobedience. But if you have to talk someone into staying it's never good.
Someone once told me, 'those who are with you will never leave you - those who are not cannot stay." That doesn't mean they "cannot stay" because you would ask them to leave or something, what that means is, if their heart is not there they will become more and more uncomfortable until they finally leave. So let them go.
I know it's painful to go a step forward and then two steps back. Oh how I have been there. But keep plowing ground...keep going forward and sooner or later if you just don't give up, things will grow beyond where you were. But hopefully with the right kind of people - meaning those whose hearts are really with you and your husband.
I love you ladies so much for your support and wisdom. Deanna, this site is the best thing. It helps to have women in the pastorate who understands. I love you guys and I can't wait to finally meet you all in September. I am definitely coming to Unstoppable this year, b/c 2007 was the roughest year ever, in every aspect for us... finances, the church, etc.....
I can not wait for a refilling that weekend. I am preparing now.
A lot of times I just wish people would leave the proper way. We are not against people leaving, for my dh uses the analogy that we are driving a bus, and some will get on and some will get off. It is just those people who "storm out." They get angry with us, or as they say with "the ministry." I never understood that.
Then the funny thing is, they come back a while later writing a letter of apology, stating how sorry they were. I realize that we are supposed to be longsuffering and patient with people. Especially us as pastors. They expect things of us that they don't of themselves.
Some people also leave the church, and return months or years later expecting us to be there. Sometimes I want to leave and not be there when they return. That really bothers me, how there are different standards for us versus them.
Oh, how sometimes I want to just run so far away from ministry and church work. But, then the Spirit kicks in and says," That's absurd." "You must complete the work I have started in you and through you."
Hi, First Lady: This too is one of the hardest things for me. I look around our church, and we literally have ONE person there who was there when we came 3 1/2 years ago. And to be honest, he probably needs to leave. But the people who are there are supportive, excited. It's a new church with people that match our personalities & are on common ground, for the most part. This process has not been easy at all. I have cried & cried, right here on this board. But God has proven Himself faithful. There are a handful of couples that I've wanted to beg to stay, or at least clear the air with them. But that did not happen. So, I've learned to put it in God's hands.
And now, God is truly starting to move in our church. Many churches had a Superbowl Shindig last night (can you tell I'm from the south?) but God had laid on dh's heart to have a special deliverance service. Trust me, this is far from typical for dh... a huge step of faith. And our service was AMAZING!!! God truly delivered people last night. God is moving & trust me, it was not this way when we came. He had to move people out of the way first.
So know, I'm with you. I know others will come & go & I'll hurt. I'll be back here crying, but I know God is working in marvelous ways. I know He's going to do the same with you.
I wish we were all in person sitting over a warm cup of coffee talking about all this because sometimes I just need it... (and it will be possible at Unstoppable!!!) but...
oh how I understand your feelings.
For me it's a mixed bag. I feel manic sometimes in my thoughts. I hate when people leave "wrongly" by storming out or whatever. But a part of me hurts as well when they make an appointment and meet with you and go through the whole, "we really love you, BUT..." and you are thinking, "but means, forget everything we just said..." The part of me that hates rejection thinks, "if you really loved me you would not be leaving me." This is like a husband telling a wife, "I love you, but my season with you is just over..." it would still hurt like crazy and yes it would be a betrayal. Church membership is really like a marriage and we are a family. No wonder it hurts so much. Sometimes I think we just need a place in ministry where we can come together and nurse our wounds over this because it's not easy whether they leave storming out, or making an appointment and telling you they love you.
Last night I was sitting down at the piano just singing a few songs. Sometimes I do that for worship, sometimes just for fun, doing songs of variety of kinds that I like. I know some of you might think it's really unspiritual, but last night I was singing Bonnie Raitt's "I can't make you love me if you don't". And although it's a song written from a woman to a man or vice versa I was suddenly struck by the fact that it's true in church relationships. I can't make everyone love or like me. I can't make them stay in the church. The song says, "I can't make your heart feel, something that it won't..."
There are times I just want them to love me. I want them to stay. I'm tired of the rejection. I'm tired of the crappy excuses like, "we're in a new season" and "our time here is done" and "I'm looking for something deeper..." I get sick of the Christians who haven't even managed to properly love their brothers and sisters in Christ and yet they are looking for something "deeper". Okay, so love is about as deep as it gets. And you haven't been able to do that. So let's be honest. You are going over to bro and sis so and so's church so you can...what? Lay on the carpet for 2 hours and cry? Give me a break.
I understand you all. Maybe I'm not being of much help here because I'm just telling you I understand and not giving some big solution but my point here is this...people leave, and it doesn't get any easier. It only gets manageable, not easier. I haven't met a pastor yet who says, "people leave and I love it. It's a piece of cake." No, it hurts. It really hurts.
I often wonder...if God opened up people's hearts and minds supernaturally to really see how much they hurt their pastors...would they still do it?
I love you firstlady, and all of you...
Deanna
p.s. I haven't been feeling well the past 24 hours. If I didn't know better I'd think I was pregnant but I'm not...unless a miracle occurred. (we're "fixed") However I am feeling so queasy, and sleepy, and yuk. Today we went to staff lunch (I came in late - 1/2 day - b/c I felt so sick) and afterwards we went to Dunkin Donuts and dh got me a coffee and one of those travel DD cups. It made my day. My initials with my maiden name are DD, and so the cup attracted me, not to mention I love Dunkin Donuts coffee. This is the high point in my day so far today. Sometimes in ministry we have to count every little thing that puts a smile on our face and be thankful for it, don't we? I guess everyone should do that, but especially us ministers. We had a good Sunday at church yesterday too, PTL.
I've been on the other side, and have left a church... twice. Feelings were hurt on both sides, but time (and the Holy Spirit) heals. Sometimes God does move people, even when they thought they'd never leave a certain place. Sometimes Satan divides us, and sometimes people just act impulsively, and in time, find their way back.
Just pray for those who leave, thank God for those who stay, and rejoice for the ones He is getting ready to bring in. I'm praying for you all.
In Christ, Sister Robin
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Rejoicing in HOPE, patient in tribulation, continuing steadfastly in prayer (Romans 12:12)
Here's the scenario: We go down to the local grocery store and there they are! Suddenly we feel "led" to the produce dept! We don't want to run into them at the dairy!
I heard Marilyn Hickey once, sharing transparently on this subject and how it would hurt her when people left their church. She admitted, "I WAS OFFENDED" . She shared it's the # trick of the enemy that will blow up what God wants to do in our ministries.
To be totally honest, I've been offended by people described as the back-bone of the church and some Sundays facing them has been hard (knowing they reject co-pastoring)! I'd rather they leave (but in the right way) and sometimes I pray that way (confessions). A few have left peaceably (i.e. moved away, got a job, etc). Staying free of offences takes exercise and is a process. Now ladies, I don't like to exercise but I like the results! Every time the enemy brings them to your mind, say: " I choose to forgive them they know not what they have done". Talk to God about it a few minutes. Tell him you don't understand but your TRUST HIM and move on. Keep doing it and one day your "feelings" will catch up to your spirit man and God's word!
Honestly, I have wondered why I don't invite people back to church when I run into them. We're congenial. There's no hard feelings. One...she just sits out of church...I don't know why. She LOVES me and dh. In fact, she'll leave presents at my door for my birthday and Christmas. Nice gifts ... but she won't come to church. She'll take me out to lunch and to get my nails done but she won't come consistently to church. Go figure!
Ladies, I am convinced that in the ministry sometimes we never can figure people out!
We can't figure them out, you are right. Larry says sometimes we just have to chalk it up to the fact that "people are weird." He says saying this to himself over and over sometimes saves his sanity. He used to worry about it incessantly and realized, it's not his fault. Now when they leave, he just think, "they're weird...what can I say or do? You can't figure them out, they're just...weird..." strange as that sounds it makes him feel better to just chalk them up as weird.
I on the other hand am not as easily appeased and worry more and get upset more and feel more rejected...
I find that talking to other sisters like yourselves who understand sheep bites all too well...helps me. When you are wounded it helps to talk to others who have been through wounds and healed. I always say, never trust a person without a limp.
When we went through a church split of sorts, I was in such pain I didn't go to the store for a few months because I didn't want to get into the situation of seeing someone. I was so hurt. I asked Larry to do all the shopping since he handles seeing people better than I do. (He doesn't like it. But he deals with it better than me.) I asked my mentor at the time, "do you think it's wrong that I don't want to go to the store or leave my house?" She said no...not for a season. I had been hurt and I wasn't ready to face anyone. It was bad enough to have to go to church for those months and put on a face that I was fine and none of this was bothering me. Gearing up for Sunday morning and keeping my "happy face" on and not letting the congregation see how torn up I was, was plenty enough for me to deal with at the time, let alone going into Wal-Mart and having to face Sis So and So up close who had just basically stabbed me in the back and left me for dead. My mentor said, "stay home, take time to heal..." so I did. In the months to come after a respite from being out and about I was ready to venture back out into the world and see the ones who had left if I happened to run into them. Realize, I knew it was unrealistic (and wrong) to just be a hermit and never go out again. This was "only a season" - not forever. I still went to church and did all my ministries. However I did not go to the grocery store or the mall or such for about 3-4 months. We lived in a small town at the time and I was guaranteed to run into someone since we lost about 1/3 of the church at the time.
No one can understand this except a PW who has been there and been deeply wounded by the sheep. Fortunately we have a place here to gather where people understand...
As someone once said, the ministry defies explanation to those outside of it...
I love you my dear sisters...thank you for being here to bear one another's burdens...
Wow! Ladies, it has only been 3 days since it happened and dh and I are feeling better, and stronger, like we are ready to take over the world for Kingdom purposes. It was so hard at 1st, but thanks to you gals for all of your advice, prayers and your stories.
Sometimes, when you hear what others have gone through, you feel like, well, maybe life ain't so bad for me after all. I could not even imagine a church split. I would hurt so deeply.
At a local minister's meeting they did this humorous video presentation that all pastoral families could relate too. One of the things said something liKe: There are some days that you almost wish another pastor would come steal your sheep! A sense of humor has helped me survive ministry! So have people like all of you.
but I'm not...unless a miracle occurred. (we're "fixed") However I am feeling so queasy, and sleepy, and yuk. Today we went to staff lunch (I came in late - 1/2 day - b/c I felt so sick) and afterwards we went to Dunkin Donuts and dh got me a coffee and one of those travel DD cups. It made my day. My initials with my maiden name are DD, and so the cup attracted me, not to mention I love Dunkin Donuts coffee. 
A sense of humor has helped me survive ministry! So have people like all of you. 
