I am having such a hard time letting go of hurt and pain from one of our staff members. I need help forgiving her. I won't get all into the things she has done, but the things she has done really hurt (mostly talked badly about my dh and me behind our backs when we have only done her and her husband good).
I really don't want to get into the things she said, b/c I know it is my responsibility to forgive her and love her with the love of Christ. I am so much more concerned with building my character, than holding a grudge against her.
How can I really get to the place where I love her, but not have to be bosom buddies. I just want to learn to be cordial to her and not squirm everytime someone calls her name, or whenever I see her at church, go the other direction. I know this is not Christ-like and it matters to me.
It's not easy because you want to have a good relationship with staff where you can even share some things. And with behavior like this, it's impossible.
How do you do it? Just as you described, by building your character...as an act of the will...you do have to forgive her, but at the same time - she does not deserve your favor. Your forgiveness - yes. Your favor - no.
Do we treat everyone the same? No, we should not. Those who DO RIGHT have favor. She cannot be trusted to be in your inner circle, nor have your friendship or confidence.
Forgive her as an act of the will just as you would anyone who has done something against you. Don't go the other way. Greet her right up front as soon as she enters the room or whatever. I've found when I went through this that doing it ASAP and getting it over with is best. Then I could move on with the evening/day, the event, or whatever at hand, when I was in in this situation. But beyond that - forgiveness and being cordial, I don't believe you owe her anything.
After working through forgiveness with her - pursue other relationships strongly. Concentrate on those who are positive within the church family. Pour into them. Pour into staff who have your favor. Pour into church members who are the committed, loyal ones.
Just by not having your favor over a period of time will probably move her and her husband on. The thing is, she doesn't deserve your favor but at the same time she will FEEL you owe it to her just by her and dh being "on staff". People who have these issues always seem to have a sense of entitlement. It will not sit well with her that you are pouring into others and that your ministry is growing. She will not want to receive from you, yet at the same time will resent that you are giving of yourself to others. That's okay - let her. In my experience, this is part of the process used to move such a person on.
When they are not going to repent and get right over their actions...and you hold your head up and walk in there as the leader that you are and lead without intimidation...they have a hard time handling that. (Especially when they aren't in your good graces anymore.)
I would advise you after extending basic forgiveness to this lady, don't keep investing and re-investing. One of my mentors cautioned me against that. I kept trying to revive a dead horse in the past, investing in staff wives who did not want to be invested in...actually trying to revive something that probably was never alive in the first place. But I kept thinking, if I tried hard enough, gave enough, things would change. My mentor told me, "stop casting your pearls before swine. They don't want to receive it. Just do the BASICS and NO MORE." So, I did.
I'm not really sure where you are at as far as how much you are giving of yourself to this person despite their actions, but I would just suggest...forgive but maintain a safe professional distance.
Others will probably have much better advice for you on this, though. I tell you, this is definitely not one of my favorite things to deal with and I usually beat my mentor's door down when going through it, just trying to cope. Which thank God, I do not have to do right now.
I agree with PD. I'd really pray and be led by the Holy Spirit re: giving and doing for this person. It's hard to lovingly hold ones accountable who are sneaky or manipulative or when there's little concrete evidence to confront. But remember: whatever is hidden will be brought to light! It takes lots of patience and prayer.
Pastors going into an established church sometimes inherent problem staff and you have to really get wisdom from God. If we get in the flesh or make rash decisions, it can affect the entire church and hurt our progress in ministry there. My dh said he noticed how I heap hot coals of kindness on people who have done things behind my back. There's a place for that and there's a time to lovingly hold others accountable (Matt. 18) also. We need the wisdom to know the difference. We need to be led by the Holy Spirit in timing too.
Once, I was at a meeting outside of our church and an intercessor approach me re: really being hurt and that God wants me to know that not all women are "like that", etc. I confided in her and she committed to pray regarding the troubled situation/person. Months later, a guest speaker was at our church and folks were all over . Well... "the enemy" (smile) ended up standing nearby me. All of the sudden I heard the Holy Spirit tell me to lean over to her and ask her if I've offended her in some way. I was questioning the Holy Spirit. When a message in tongues with interpretation came forth, what jumped out at me was HUMBLE YOURSELF and ASK! And I did. "The person" thought for a moment and said 'No' < I can't think of anything. The next thing I know she starts repenting to me for her ways, etc. I was astonished! From that day forward, she was changed in the way she treated her pastors. But this took a whole decade of patience and gentleness! I thank God that I never said or did anything I regret or that would be a reproach to Jesus.
Meanwhile, study the scriptures! God will show you what to do about unforgiveness. We cannot allow it to go unchecked in our hearts!
I'm dealing w/ some of these same things as well. Deanna, thank you for explaining forgiveness & favor. That makes so much sense. I also needed to hear that I should hold my head high & be the first to greet the person. I'm going to do my best to do this!
I really appreciate the advice, b/c I have been beating this dead horse for years. I have tried to help her, love her, befriend her, etc...but, the behaviors have continued for years. I am tired of it. I told my armorbearer I would work on loving her, but I would not be "swopping spit" with her (not meaning to be gross, but you get the idea). I WILL NOT go to lunch with her!!! Then have her go back and talk about us to her friend.
I will extend my forgiveness for the sake of Christ, but she gets no favor from me anymore.
I felt this in my heart, but did not know how to draw that line, since I have been trying to developing a relationship with her for years.
