Hi ladies, I just read about staff relationships and I say it is a blessing to have leaders in your church who really click. This is a subject that is about to drive me up the wall(or away from the ministry). We are senior pastors and there is sooo much jealousy in our church among leaders. The assistant pastors are jealous of us, and anyone who comes close to us. Our armorbearers are also very close to us, they come and hang out with us at our house, and we talk to them almost everyday, but people can not stand them. They are so nice, but so disliked in our church, by other leaders. There is obvious division in our church. I am not trying to sound like we are special, but anytime someone gets closer to us, and builds a relationship with us, they really go through a hard time with other jealous folks.
It is not happening throughout the church, b/c overall we have a genuine loving group of people. Our leadership team is just sooo jacked up.
I also need help b/c I am so angry right now, especially with our assistants. I can not even really deal with them, b/c they are acting soooo weird toward us. I am in the place where I really do not want to celebrate them, only tolerate them. How do I get a grip over this, b/c it is so obvious to other ladies at our church. They see the rift between me and the assistant's wife.
One reason for this rift is because it has gotten back to me/us that she participates in some unfruitful conversations about us with others who do not like us, but she doesn't know that they tell us...and we never tell her or her husband that we know. We just pretend that everything's okay, and just turn the other cheek.
I am so tired of turning the other cheek, I am so tired of pretending that everything is good, I am so ready to tell her where to get off, but I know I can't. I realllllly want to so bad. That is why I am ready to leave this ministry or for them to leave. I feel it may be better me to leave before I tarnish my husband's reputation, by going off on her.
I could use some advice...I am so ready to snap. Thanks, girls for listening!!!
Oh wow. I understand...been there, done that. I love what you said..."so jacked up". That describes it perfectly in these staff situations, doesn't it?
Well, they say, a pastor's wife (and I'm convinced, especially a co-pastor!) has to go through hell to get to heaven... In theory, things like relationships on staff seem like they should be so easy. WHAT'S so hard about it? (Everyone on the outside thinks this...) but until they have lived it they have NO IDEA.
Okay, my thoughts...
1) Anybody who gets closed to you is going to be under scrutiny to some degree. Not by everyone, but by some. I'm in a great situation here at my church and we have the most loving people in the world, truly we do. But still, those who are especially close to me sometimes encounter an issue about it, if nothing but a side remark of, "I know you spend a lot of time with Pastor Deanna..." sort of like lamenting it...like, "I'm left out, but you get to..." I think those who have a close relationship with you have to be of a truly mature caliber to be able to handle this. It's not for everyone, that's for sure. I have VERY FEW (I'm talking 2, maybe 3) people who I have entrusted with that kind of relationship with me. Most could not handle it, and I realize that and just don't let them get to that level with me, knowing that they could not take the pressure.
My thought is that you are never going to completely eliminate people having an issue with those who are a little closer to you. People are prone to jealousy. This is why you need to have MATURE people who have dealt with the issue of jealousy in their hearts and are in relationship with you for the RIGHT REASON, and have proven that they can handle difficulties with others.
Point is: jealousy is a factor that is there - you can't control it. All you can do is PRAY THAT THEY EXAMINE THEIR HEARTS AND GET RID OF IT!
2) About the staff -- they need to go, the sooner the better. Now, let me guess. You and your dh may not totally see eye to eye on this? Does he not see their disloyalty? Does he not understand that they are talking to others negatively behind your back. There is never, never, never any good reason for that, no justification, nada. If you and your dh are in unity about it, and he sees it, and wants to fire them - BLESS HIM to do that. If he wants to wait, then if I were you I would PUT IT FIRST ON YOUR PRAYER LIST. Put it above everything else. Pull down the strongholds, cancel the enemy's assignment, loose the power of God into the situation. There are times I have seen something early on, (women's discernment is stronger, in general - if you doubt that, I really recommend you get, "The Amazing Discernment of Women" by Jentezen Franklin. GREAT BOOK. Anyway, there are times I have discerned something very early on but it took Larry longer to see it. Then even after he does see it on his own, he is very wise and guarded about how he handles things. He's not a person of rash decisions AT ALL. He is the most stable person I know. Where I personally have very little tolerance for anything of this sort that we are talking about, he has much more patience. He will take 2 weeks just to fast and pray about it before he moves on it. Maybe longer. That's hard for me because remember, I might have seen the problem 6 months ago. I've already been fasting/praying. Then I find myself waiting on him AFTER he's already seen the problem, so I'm thinking...."why wait?" Usually it's very beneficial that you do wait for DH. There have been times we've waited just a few more days and wha-la, the person resigns on their own. The situation takes care of itself.
Point is: your most powerful weapon is prayer. So don't neglect to pray. If these staffers are speaking negatively of you, not only are they NOT your armor bearers, but they have set themselves up as your enemy. Note, YOU have not made them your enemy, THEY have done that by virtue of abdicating their role as armor bearer. It doesn't matter what their philosophy or way of doing things, you are the man and woman of the house and they are there to flow with you, not the other way around. If you are not getting support from them, they have NO REASON TO BE THERE. Before they fulfill any other role/function in the church they are there as YOUR SUPPORT. All of their other responsibilities pale in comparison to this. They are not there as "youth pastor" first or "children's pastor" or "associate pastor". They are there as ARMOR BEARER TO THE PASTORS. It does not sound like they are fulfilling that 1st line item on their job description. Apparently they are there for other motives than to be your #1 supporter.
Point is: let's start praying that there is a 100% about face with these people and they REPENT and become your greatest supporters, OR - they quickly and quietly resign and leave.
Next - do not leave that place. At least not now. It's not YOUR PLACE to leave, it is THEIRS. Again, you are the man and woman of the house. You are not the ones that need to resign.
Okay now, one last thing - walk in there tomorrow morning and act like you own the place. Only it's not really an act - again, you are the man and woman of the house - the spiritual parents of that church. So don't you dare walk in there with your head down. You get in there, walk with your head up high - full of the anointing and power of the Holy Ghost, and just let all heaven break loose in that place. You know there were times I was so down over things like this over the past almost 13-years of senior pastoring, that I would show up to church rather "quiet" and almost in a melancholy state because of stuff going on. Then one day I realized not only my position in Christ, but also my position as spiritual mother of the church. You have been anointed for this role, your assistant has not. They are anointed in their own way, but God has NOT given them the mantle of spiritual mother of that house. But he has given that to you. So, FLOW WITH IT. In hard times, I don't go into the church melancholy anymore. If things are tough in any regard I walk in there - no, more like charge in there like a calf leaping from stall! I go in prayed up, praised up, ready to have a Holy Ghost knock down-drag out, as I call it. What happens when this happens? Well, in my experience, first of all, the people respond to you even more because instead of shrinking back you are flowing in the GOD GIVEN SPIRITUAL AUTHORITY that has been bestowed on you as the woman of the house. Second, usually that foul spirit that is operating through your enemies is very intimidated by this. It will usually cause them to be silent, or at least more quiet. At some point they will repent or leave. Please do not back down. If you are having a hard time with intimidation please read "Breaking Intimidation" by John Bevere. It is essential that you know your POSITION in Christ and as the pastor of that house.
One more thing - don't discuss anything about the assistants with anyone in the church if you can possibly help it. I know the people may ask you or your husband (especially board members, etc.) if the division is very noticeable. In my experience it's best to give as generic answers as possible and get on to a new subject. Then keep the Holy Ghost flowing in the place, take your position, and generally everything your enemies are saying will cause them to hang themselves. My husband always says, "give them enough rope, they'll hang themselves." I had a situation with a lay person like this recently...
She was very negative...had a serious issue with one of our other staff members, who, by the way was 100% right in the way they dealt with her. She got negative about our entire staff. Talked about us a lot. Next to the other pastor involved I was the main target since I'm very active in pastoring our women. While she chose to talk about me a lot, I did not talk about her to anyone except for the pastoral staff members in our official meetings. None of us said anything to the people of the church. We stayed silent about her, but we let the anointing flow, and took our position of authority in Christ. After a while we watched as everyone in the church saw her for exactly what she was. Soon she had absolutely no audience and in fact felt completely "left out." People did not want to be around her because the pastoral staff that she talked about so negatively was so loved by everyone else, and the anointing upon us was obvious. Everyone basically began to see this previously normal seeming person as a loon. To this day we haven't had to say anything to anyone in the church, we just let their eyes be opened to see the obvious. But this would not have worked had we not sought the Lord, resisted intimidation, took up our spiritual authority, strongly led, flowed in the anointing.
Don't shrink back. Pray, pray, pray. And take up your position. We're here anytime you need to talk.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, Deanna. You always know what to say at the right times. You are a blessing to me and my family. I was on my way out of the church. I could not take it any more. I just asked my husband to give the blessing to leave, but he would not. He just told me to leave, however, it would really hurt him(this was just 20 minutes ago). I am so delighted to say I will stay and pray. I will stay in my place. This is where God has called me to be. I love the people and I won'[t be intimidated. He(the enemy) wants to run us off. He's been up to this for all 9 years that we have been here.
I will read this post for a few days to help keep me on track. And, once again, I appreciate your words of wisdom.
Praise God! I'm glad you made this decision. ABSOLUTELY you need to stay. You are the first lady of the house. What would happen if you left? The associate's wife and all her co-horts would have your husband's ear -- his attention - without you around and judging by what you have told me of these women's character...that's exactly what they want. They would love to have him without your influence, so DON'T LET THEM.
If nothing else you should stay around just to drive them crazy!
Hello! First Lady, I will be praying for you and you situation.
Pastor Deanna, thank you for what you said, you have no idea how much I needed to hear what you said about being the "spiritual mother". Don't want to hijack this post, so I will post a new topic later.
You responded to this post on staff relationships so well. We're going through a bunch of nonsense about music leadership. This one or that one wants control period. I understand that if the enemy can get the worship team to fuss, people can't really worship, right?
But your words about putting these kinds of things top on our prayer list and to "pull down the strongholds, cancel the enemy's assignment, and loose the power of God into the situation." Glory! That ministered to me. Thank you for your wisdom.
I agree...as a staff pastor, my #1 job is to be a "yes man (or woman!)" for my SP and his wife! If we disagree or our personalities don't click, then I'm the one in the wrong place, not them...
Fortunately, I have never had that problem...I had a great relationship with my former SP (Well, aside from the fact that he was always "firing" me, lol . All in jest...the t.v. show "The Apprentice" became popular during my tenure there, and our whole staff took the joke to an extreme!!!).
I absolutely adore my new SP and PW, too - although I haven't really been here long enough to get as close to them as I was to the old staff that I worked with (and I don't think that's ever going to happen with new YP!).
But if I really has a problem with them, I would be the one who needed to go. My vision needs to comply with theirs, not the other way around - and even if I disagree with something that they say (which, let's face it - will probably happen, seeing as how we are people with opinions and emotions - not robots!), I have no business telling ANYONE in the church how I feel about it!
. All in jest...the t.v. show "The Apprentice" became popular during my tenure there, and our whole staff took the joke to an extreme!!!). 
